URGENT: Ted Cruz Announcement

Ted Cruz asked me to make the following announcement.  Please click through:

Ted Cruz Announces Diagnosis of Hyperbosyphillis; Nation Concerned.

After decrying the Supreme Court decision on gay marriage as “one of the darkest 24-hour periods” in US history, Republican Ted Cruz was urged to seek medical help. He underwent a complete brain scan and anal exam (conveniently located in the same spot on Mr. Cruz) at the Mayo Clinic. The results were disturbing.

Mr. Cruz regrets to announce today he has been diagnosed with a severe case of “Hyperbosyphillis.”

Hyperbosyphillis begins with the chancre of diety worship and is later characterized by incoherent ranting, unreasonable feelings of persecution, swelling of the hubris, a hot and burning fever in the genital region when handsome men are within groping distance, and a pus-like odiferous ooze of paranoic discharge foaming from the severely-pursed and preternaturally tiny lips of the word hole.

There is no cure for Hyperbosyphillis, but happily, it is fatal.

Unhappily, the condition can linger for years before victims are finally felled by the disease, meaning the true victims are those of us sharing the planet with the infected. In addition, the diagnosis will not impact Mr. Cruz’s ability to run for the Republican nomination.

Mr. Cruz’s analysis of Friday’s landmark SCOTUS decision is, per usual, spot on.

This reporter did a quick inventory of U.S. tragedies, none of which rose to the level of allowing people who love each other to get married and divorced like the heteros.

Not-So-Dark Times in America (as if!)

1. Lincoln killed
2. Pearl Harbor bombed
3. JFK killed
4. MLK killed
5. RFK killed
6. University of Texas shooting
7. Manson killings
8. Space Shuttle Challenger disaster
9. Columbine
10. September 11, 2001
11. Sandy Hook
12. Charleston shootings

Lest we forget:

The darkest 24-hour period in America happened when Mrs. Cruz laid in bed too long instead of her usual hurried application of a poisoned douche, thereby allowing Mr. Cruz’s homophobic, paranoid sperm ample time to fertilize her hateful, angry eggs.

Except that happened in Canada. Donald Trump is investigating.

Updates as they become available.




This Post Has One Comment

  1. mike

    We can only watch with fascination as all the other Republican candidates on the stage are infected by their close proximity to Mr. Cruz. Glad to hear it’s both resistant to treatment and fatal.

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