Tuesday is No News Day

(apologies if you have already seen this on my Facebook page)


Dear Readers:

Today I am planning to go the entire day without posting anything satirical, controversial or potentially offensive. It’s not that I want to engage in such self-restraint, it’s just that I have a very full day today consisting of the following activity:

1. Getting an abortion;
2. Writing a letter of complaint to my HOA because a black Jewish family moved in next door;
3. Suffocating my asshole dog, a.k.a. Archie, because he doesn’t heel on a leash;
4. Making braised Chihuahua tacos for dinner;
5. Drinking wine and driving my car into a daycare center;
6. Joining a cult, also known as any of the world’s major religions;
7. Obtaining a handicap permit for my car so I can get awesome parking;
8. Securing said permit by stealing it from a real live handicapped person after I push their wheelchair into traffic;
9. Taking casket selfies at Robin William’s funeral; and
10. Something called the ice bucket challenge, which for me means filling a bucket with ice and using it for cocktails. ALS = Any Liquor Soon, amirite?