Sister-in-law Keeping my Mom from the Kids

Dear Robin:

Alrighty here we go- I am finally sending you a question. I am super mad about this situation- and I jump all over the place- so I hope it makes at least some sense, and doesn’t frighten you- haha.  What the fuck do you do when your sister in law is a crazy person? I have known this for a long time- but her latest stunt is to tell my mother that “they’re just not sure they can trust her anymore” (“they’re” meaning my sister in law and my apparently now ball-less brother).

Wanna know what my mother did to bring this on?? She took them to the Art Museum for an exhibit about bicycles. On the way out, my nieces (7 and 9) happened to see sculptures of naked men.  My sister in law thought this was the most atrocious thing ever- she actually stood up from her seat at dinner recently and started barking at my mother. It was all I could do to not fly across the table like a spider monkey and attack her religious fundamentalist lost-your-damn-mind ass. And she was fucking serious.

They have now cut my mother off from seeing her grandchildren, who have little chance at a normal life without being able to see her. This current status bullshit is “until further notice”…. I seriously want to knock my sister in law into next week. “Until further notice”??? Her life is so sheltered that she couldn’t find anything else to fixate upon other than this??

Background info: When my nieces say “grace” at holiday gatherings or anytime they say stuff about “the blood of christ”. These girls are home-schooled. Anything and everything they do has to do with some faith based organization: basketball? Hell yeah, let’s pray before it. Soccer? Same there. “Play group” and exactly what the fuck is that anyway?? Pray pray pray. When in doubt, pray.

Okay- so I guess my question is- WTF do I do? I am unbelievably sad and outraged.  Part of me tells me to smile through my teeth- be able to see my nieces and just wait until they run away from home to come and be with me (3 years is my ball-park estimate). The other part of me tells me- fuck her- she will cut me off from the girls, but tell her what the fuck I think and then wait for them to run away to me anyway.

Do you wanna know what really sucks about this entire situation?? No matter what I do, or how it impacts me, it won’t change the current situation with my mother. Whether I play the game with this girl, or knock her into next week- I doubt that anything will change in regards to my mother. My mother… my heart breaks for my mother in this situation. She did nothing wrong. She took them to the art museum for fuck’s sake.

There is a lot more that I could tell you about this- but that would take days.

When did my family get so fucked up? How would you deal with such an insane individual- especially considering the circumstances that are on the line?

I am soooooo frustrated. 🙁

Sad Auntie

Dear Sad Auntie:

I think the first inclination of anyone with twelve brain cells to rub together is to think this story can’t possibly be true.  It just couldn’t be that a woman would keep her children from their grandmother because of something as trivial as seeing art.  But then I got further into your email and I see that she is a religious nut and a home-schooling one at that.  Oh, boy.


I truly feel that there is a special place in the Hell I Don’t Believe In for people like your sister-in-law.  It’s one thing to decide you want to give your life over to an imaginary deity, it’s quite another to brainwash your children, keep them from a loving grandparent and isolate them from the outside world via home-schooling.  In my humble opinion  which nobody cares about, this is child abuse.

Taking away a young person’s chance to go to school with other children so you can indoctrinate them with your religious bullshit is stealing any opportunity for them to learn how to get along with others, experience independent thought and have the joy of meeting people with diverse backgrounds (unless you live in Portland).  She and your ball-less brother are treating these girls like their own little science experiment, and it’s sickening.


So while it seems unbelievable that a woman could be so reactionary and filled with religious fervor to take the actions your brother’s wife has taken, it really pales in comparison to the things that fundamentalists do every day around the world in the name of religion.  For example, here’s a fun story about a young Muslim woman being stoned to death for taking part in a beauty pageant:

Obviously we could discuss for days the devastating effect religion can have on society in general and individuals in particular.  Instead, I’ll just leave this right here:


Your question for me boils down to this: what should you and your mother do?  Should you beat the crap out of her (I’m going to vote “no” on that one, as much as I like the idea), go along to get along (sort of) or tell her how you feel?  Ding ding ding!  We have a winner, but not for the reason you think.  In essence, you and your mom need to tell this cow how you feel, except the exact opposite.  Crazy, I know, but bear with me.

Your sister-in-law (hereinafter, “SIL”) is obviously a profoundly stupid woman.  Anyone who would bar their children from their grandmother because of the incident you described is using a nonfunctioning intellectual operating system.  How she ever managed to get pregnant in the first place is beyond me, seeing as how offensive the male organ is to her.  Did they cut a hole in the sheet?  Did she squeeze her eyes shut the whole time and pretend she was making love to Jesus?  I doubt it, seeing as how Jesus was probably a black man and I have a sneaking suspicion your sister-in-law wouldn’t be into that.


Sorry, I got diverted.  That happens.

Back to your idiot SIL: The wonderful thing about those blessed with the combination of extreme religious beliefs and special-needs-level intelligence is that they are painfully easy to manipulate.  We need to get you and your mommy back in the game so the two of you can tag-team these little fuckers and make sure they don’t turn into the next Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann.  How do you do that?  Well, I’m going to tell you, because that’s what I do!

1. You just need to sit still, pipe down and take a Xanax.  I sense you may be a bit reactionary, not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Someone described me that way once, so I kicked their ass.


2. Have your mom write a letter to her son and his miserable snatch of a sisterwife that goes something like this:

Dear Ignorant Bitch (or maybe she could just use her name, that might be a little more effective):

I understand why you are upset about the cock issue that arose (ha!) at the art museum.

**sigh**  Let’s try this again.  Sometimes it’s hard to turn the Robin off, even when I need to.  OK, here we go:

“I know how disappointed you are that the girls saw the nude sculptures at the Art Museum.  I want to express how sorry I am and how important it is for me to mend this fence with you and my son.  I know your beliefs are very important to you, and the girls are very lucky to have a mother who loves them so much that she is passing on these wonderful morals and qualities to her children.  In retrospect, I should have been more aware of what they might see at the museum and determined a way to avoid walking past those sculptures with your girls.  For that, I deeply apologize.

I miss the girls very much, and I would like to see them again.  Please accept my deepest apologies and let me back into your lives.  I love you all so much, and as I get older and closer to the end of my life I relish the time I have with family in a profound way.  Simply put, I just can’t imagine my life without all of you in it.

May I please take the girls to the park on Saturday afternoon?  If you’d like to join us, that would be wonderful.  Please help me repair our relationship so we can be a family again.




OK, are you just totally gagging right now?  So am I, and I wrote that shit!  Here’s a fun translation to relieve your gag reflex:

“Dear Miserable Cunt:

You are without a doubt the most pathetic and silly woman I have had the misfortune to meet in my entire life.  I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with my son, because marrying you was a decision that only a lonely fool with no other prospects would make.  He’s fairly unattractive and not too bright (I attribute that to his father’s side of the family) so perhaps he felt you were his only option.  Anyway, unfortunately for me the two of you had sex at least twice through a hole in a sheet and while Darwin was sleeping, my son’s sperm fertilized your nasty, hateful little egg.


Since you are a religious zealot on par with Osama bin Laden, you have chosen to educate these poor children at home so you can cram your fundamentalist crap down their tiny little throats until they have no choice but to believe what you believe.  I need to intervene in a stealthy manner so they have a chance at a real life, the highlights of which will not include Tuesday night bible study group and 25 years of being pregnant and raising future Soldiers for Jesus.

I’d like to start seeing the girls again so my daughter and I can oh-so-subtly talk to them about things like science, freedom of thought and when the time comes, sexuality.  Basically, our job will be to brainwash them too, except we are indoctrinating them in NORMAL, whereas you are creating future members of the Westboro Baptist Church.


If you buy any of this groveling bullshit, you are even stupider than I thought, and that would really be something.  You are such a moron that it’s remarkable you manage to secure all those buttons on your Gunne Sax by Jessica McClintock church dress.  Buttoning is hard!


So, dipshit, that’s the deal.  Let me spend time with my grandchildren again.  Also, please let me know where you are keeping my son’s balls.  I suspect one day he will wake up out of this stupor and dump your ass faster than Marcus Bachmann can steal a blow job from his “assistant” when Michele isn’t looking.


Love (not really, I kind of hate you), Mom”

Do you get where I’m going with this, Sad Auntie?  You can’t change this woman and until your brother wises up, you can’t change him either.  The only way to assure that you can get your mom back in their good graces is to make them think she feels remorse about what happened and will never expose their children to such SMUT again.

In reality, you and your mom will read to them from “The Feminine Mystique,” talk to them about strong and positive role models (ME!!!  ME!!!), and perhaps you could even spend some time talking about about the Bible.  Not all of the crazy parts, but some of the good stuff.  For example, the 10 Commandments. hillbilly

I may be a raging atheist but I am all over Commandments 5-10 (I think the first 4 are bullshit).

5. Honor thy father and thy mother: I like this one, especially since my 12 year old doesn’t seem too strong on this subject right now.  When you discuss the 5th Commandment with your nieces, substitute “grandmother,” and “aunt” because their parents suck.

6. Thou shall not kill: well, duh.  Most people get this one unless they are killing people in the name of God.  That’s totally different.

7. Thou shall not commit adultery: I’d hesitate to bring up this one to the girls because it deals with sex, and we know how THAT’S going to go over with their parents.  Also, I’m betting you and your mom would be all over some adultery in this marriage.  I’m thinking you should actually do your best to set him up with his future wife now.  

Do you know anyone awesome to whom your brother might be attracted?  Wait until the bitch goes out of town to her annual Good News Christian Conference in Pocatello and invite your brother and your friend over.  Serve wine, turn down the lights, put Sade on the stereo and then come up with an excuse to leave for an hour.  


8. Thou shall not steal: as an example, you can ask the girls how they would feel if someone stole their Baby Jesus action figure (now with an LED halo and kung-fu grip!).  This will help them understand why it’s not OK to steal unless you run a hedge fund.

9. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor: I like to think of this one as not only don’t tell lies about others, but also don’t talk shit about people, otherwise known as gossip.  Look for this in the Sunday Rant this week.  Great lesson to teach young girls before they morph into the nasty little things known as female teenagers and later, grown women who think they are still in high school.


10. Last but not least: thou shall not covet, and it’s a host of items we aren’t supposed to covet:thy neighbour’s house, wife, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or anything else.  Why didn’t they just say “anything” that the neighbor has is off-limits, coveting-wise?

“I sure hate people who can’t write succinctly,” she said as her word count neared 2500.  Crap, I gotta go.

Sad Auntie, beating her up or yelling at her about her behavior is not going to get the results you and your mom want.  This gal is ripe for the manipulation play: tell her what she wants to hear and help those girls get a chance for a better life.  Try this approach and please let me know what happens.  Best of luck to you and your mommy!


This Post Has 8 Comments

  1. Ali Whiting

    Sad Auntie should be more interested in bitch slapping her brother than the SIL. That’s a conversation that needs to happen.

  2. Melinda DesCamp

    I wonder what she is teaching these poor kids about body shame. WTF,pretty sure Adam and Eve weren’t running around in chinos and pedal pushers.

    1. echinachea

      Or cargo pants either

  3. Sleepless In Beaverton

    OMG…..i remember Jessica McClintock dresses …..from the ’80’s Yo!

  4. Sad Auntie

    Thank you for your reply. You are absolutely right. I can’t change her- so we might as well play her game. Thanks for calming me down. I wasn’t really going to beat her up, I just wanted to yell at her, and ya know- change her.

    BTW I agree with what Ali said- but I don’t think I could get my brother alone if I tried, and I think he’s so far gone it wouldn’t matter- and would work against me since SIL would find out.

  5. jimmy

    Beat the shit out of your ball-less brother! It’s his fault and he won’t prosecute. Then show him porn and shaved gi gis, tell him that more than half the planet have gi gis and then beat the shit out of him again. Ugghhh! My sisters and mother would crush me!

  6. jimmy

    I meant trimmed not shaved!

  7. A Loyal Fan

    Fucking Brilliant! (Succinct enough?)

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