Protestations and Explanations

Dear Robin:

My husband Claude and I have been together a long time.  We have had some ups and downs but for many reasons the past couple years have been especially rough.  As bad as things were they got worse.

I began to hear some rumors that my husband was having an affair with a woman named Gertrude who is single (sort of; that’s another story) and who has a very bad reputation around our small city.  

The reason the rumors got back to me is that Gertrude decided it would be a good idea to announce loudly and drunkenly to a group of women during an evening out that my husband was texting her and, as usual, demanding a blow job.  And then she left, ostensibly to meet up with him.

Apparently she didn’t realize having an affair with a married man is something to be ashamed of.  Instead, she bragged about it.  Nice, huh?

As a result of this disgusting behavior two of the women at the table contacted me and told me what happened. I later learned everyone in town has been commenting on this affair and seeing my husband with this woman in places they shouldn’t be.

Obviously I confronted my husband but he swears nothing is going on.  I love him and want to keep our family together so I dropped it.  However, Gertrude called me up out of the blue weeks later and spent a lot of time trying to convince me that the story was untrue.

When she started crying and insisting that everyone was out to get her because they are “jealous” I started to feel like the story was more likely true than not.

What do you think?  Should I believe my husband and his alleged mistress?  Or should I believe my friends who have confirmed that something is going on?

Paranoid Wife

Dear Paranoid Wife:

Do you live in Portland? I feel like I’ve heard this story before…

I’m going to get straight to the point because the fabulous Ms. Venus Williams is awaiting my submission for her blog this morning and I’ve yet to finish it.  Lazy Readers: today is your lucky day!

Good old Willy Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet:

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Over time this quote has been used to signify when excessive protest and defensiveness inadvertently belies the veracity of the speaker’s words.  

In your case, I regret to inform you that your husband is furtively taking his trash to the town dump instead of placing it exclusively in the proper receptacle at home.  

At the least, Gertrude is providing Claude with ODOP, also known as On-Demand Oral Pleasure.  Now that’s a cable channel I’d like to see! 

You aren’t paranoid.  If you hadn’t reached this conclusion you’d be woefully naive and resembling an ostrich. 

My supposition is based partly on the fact that this affair was widely known around town, partly on the fact that more than one woman admitted to hearing her brag about it, and partly on her reputation, but the nail in the coffin for me is the phone call to you.

That just does’t seem like the action of an innocent woman, especially when you add up all the other dirty, sleazy facts.

Getting back to Mr. Shakespeare and Hamlet:

There is something rotten in the state of Denmark.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to assume that your husband went outside the marriage to the equivalent of a walking, talking, breathing toilet, so the question now becomes:

What Next? 

Is your marriage worth saving?  That depends on what happens next.  

You and Claude have some work to do with a marriage counselor because when we chatted you admitted many things that concern me:

  • The sexual part of your relationship is not quite dead, but is on life-support.  You need to try to get that back on track, but before you do please visit your physician and have every STD test available.  Seriously.
  • Other issues surrounding trust and honesty have cropped up on a regular basis over the years.  Claude is a bit of a liar, isn’t he?
  • You admit to focusing too much on the kids over the years and specifically identified with the woman described in last week’s masterpiece: Good Mom, Bad Wife.
  • Your family is facing severe financial difficulties and you fear you couldn’t afford to divorce even if you could bring yourself to accept that option, which at this point you cannot.
  • Claude has been acting very odd for over a year and has lost many relationships as a result.

I’m neither qualified nor have the time for the level of assistance you both need.  I’m sorry but I’ve got a book to finish and people on the Internet to anger.

Find yourself a good therapist and work with your husband to determine what work needs to be done, how to move past your pain and into forgiveness, and what is going on with Claude that would lead him to allow this scupper to fondle his fig thereby putting his entire marriage on the line.

Claude needs to explain himself, because the blatant nature of this relationship with Gertrude is especially troublesome.  It’s as if he wanted to get caught, don’t you think?

Get yourselves into counseling and keep me updated on your progress.  

As for Gertrude: what goes around, comes around.  If any man is ever foolish enough to marry her, he will surely put his pin in another woman’s cushion from time to time.  

Hopefully she comes to understand the heartache that results from playing with married men.



This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Scott C.

    Once again you have made my Monday a little brighter.

  2. Heights Mama

    LOL – this writer is most definitely from Portland. SW Portland, to be exact. I feel so sorry for her. Great answer! As for Gertrude getting married, if this is who I think it is, that isn’t going to happen. A man may take his garbage to the dump every once in a while but he sure as hell isn’t going to move there.

    When’s the radio show debut, Ms. Robin?

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