I have been married for 13 years and my husband and I have two great kids who are still in school. I love my husband but I am struggling with a major crush on a partner I work for (I’m also a partner in the firm but he is senior to me). I know the feeling is mutual and last week he told me he’s scheduling an out-of-state outing for us to visit a client, even though there really isn’t a business need to make the trip.
Did I mention I love my husband? 🙂 I really do. But the attraction I feel for this man is undeniable, and my sex life with my husband hasn’t been all that great lately. It used to be pretty awesome, but in the last few years things have definitely cooled down. 🙁
I leave for the “client visit” in two weeks, and I have already planned to lose a couple pounds, I bought a sexy new dress and I’m getting my hair done. I guess what I’m saying is I’m pretty sure I will end up in bed with my boss.
My question for you, Robin, is this: is it really that big of a deal if I cheat on my husband just this once? My attraction for my boss is purely physical – I don’t think I would ever fall in love with him. 🙂 I know men do this all the time and keep their marriages together. I guess I’m looking for permission to have one night of hot sex outside my marriage.
I’m not your mom, so you don’t need permission from me.
By all means, go ahead and screw your boss! Have a good time! Even if the sex isn’t as great as you think it’s going to be, at least you have paved the way for your job security. You can’t sleep your way to the top unless you are Chelsea Handler, but you can definitely sleep your way to the middle and if you keep good records, they can never fire you.
Mixed in with your oh-so-cute use of smiley and sad faces are the following facts: you love your husband but your sex life isn’t what it used to be. You have two kids in school. Your attraction for your boss is located in your nether regions only – your brain remains connected to and with the guy you have at home. You are about to go out of town with the man who is currently occupying all of the top slots in your spank bank and you’ve already begun the preparations for a brief affair, also known as a desperate and drunken sweaty coupling in a rented room.
If I tell you not to sleep with this guy, I don’t think you will simply do as I say. I’m good, but I’m not Oprah. Yet.
Instead of giving you a directive on what to do, I’d rather just paint a picture for you and your reaction to it will tell you all you need to know. Here we go!
You go on the trip, meet with the client, and have a romantic dinner with the boss. You both drink a little too much, flirt outrageously, and finally admit your attraction to each other. Your boobs look fabulous in your new sexy frock. You take the elevator up to your rooms together (he has conveniently made sure the rooms are adjacent) and when it comes time to say goodnight, you both succumb.
The sex is AWESOME. Best sex of your life, or at least the last few years. You go at it for a few hours (he’s got plenty of Cialis) and you finally fall asleep around 2 a.m. At 6 a.m. you wake up, go back to your room, and see your cell phone where you left it on the nightstand before you went out on the Big Assignation.
You pick up the cell phone, and you can see that your husband has called. In fact, he called several times over several hours. As you begin to listen to his voicemails (which are sounding more anxious and urgent with each message) you notice the message light blinking on the hotel phone. As it turns out, he left four messages on that phone as well, with the last one coming in at 5:59 a.m. (he’s kind of a needy guy, isn’t he?).
Girlfriend, the jig is up. You are a terrible liar and your husband isn’t a blithering fool, and when you call him back he can hear it in your voice. Since you can’t seem to make any good decisions on this trip, you confess your infidelity and you find out that it is indeed possible to hear a heart breaking, even over the phone and 1,500 miles away.
You get home and he’s gone. Apparently he takes the whole “we’re married so we can’t stick our parts in other people or have their parts in us” thing quite seriously. 6 months down the road, you’ve lost your husband, you’ve got your kids part time, and the boss had you reassigned to another partner who hates your guts because she knows you fucked the boss (she made a pass at your boss once but he wasn’t interested – this is not a moral high ground type of disdain).
OK: are you picturing that? How does that make you feel? Are you still horny for the guy and considering sleeping with him? I’m going to go out on a limb and guess the answer is “no.”
Although the dictionary will tell you “fidelity” is a noun, I think it’s also a verb. It’s a choice that you make every day not only in the actions you take, but the actions you do not. I attended a wedding recently and the pastor spoke about avoiding situations that can lead to seeking affection outside the marriage. In today’s modern age of smart phones, Facebook, Instagram and the like, we are practically assaulted by cheating opportunities on a daily basis.
In addition, due to the women’s movement (thanks, Gloria!) we now have men and women working side-by-side in record numbers. It isn’t just the men banging the secretary now – women are cheating and they are usually cheating at work. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-07-02/cheating-wives-narrowed-infidelity-gap-over-two-decades.html
Back to you, Unsatisfied. Here is my suggestion: talk to your husband about your waning sex life. Maybe he’s dissatisfied too. Obviously you still have the drive; you just need to direct your humpy thoughts to your husband. Do whatever you have to do in order to get things back on track in your bedroom. It’s not cheating if you imagine the boss during the Act, you know. Men do this all the time; we have all been someone else to a lover. I like knowing that once in a while, I’m really hot.
If I were you, I’d try to distance myself from this guy at work. Can you get reassigned to another partner? If not, knock it off. You know what I mean: the knowing smiles in the hallway, the lingering looks, laughing a little too hard at his stupid jokes and flexing your c
alves so your legs look just so.
Finally, stop with the smiley/frowny faces in your written communications; not just with him, but with everyone. It’s flirtatious, it’s juvenile and it’s annoying.
In closing, I have one mantra for you to focus on when you feel your resolve wavering and you are fighting the urge to have this affair:
Don’t step up to the table unless you are prepared to lose it all. This is not Vegas: you can’t just slap a $20 on the table and shrug your shoulders when you lose. Cheating can very well cost you everything you have, so remember that before your panties hit your boss’ hotel room floor.
A few years ago, I made a name for myself in a big way. I don’t want to go into specifics, but basically I made a really stupid decision that ended up creating a lot of opportunity for me, which I quickly parlayed into a lot of money and notoriety. My problem is this: a good friend of mine basically, like, copied EXACTLY what I did and she got WAY more success than I did. Nobody even talks about me anymore, they are all just focused on this stupid cow and her baby daddy and her dumb baby with its dumb name.
What should I do?
Sad in L.A.
Sorry honey, you did it first, but Kimmy K. did it better.