Welcome to Friday Feedback, our (nearly!) weekly peek at what ends up on the toilet paper of readers’ minds when they consume the sometimes indigestible contents of this blog.
Before we get to that, please take a moment to visit my column at golocalpdx and read about this poor man’s Sexless Marriage. In addition, please comment on the golocalpdx site and sing my praises so I can increase my readership and visibility.
Come to think of it, you guys have been lame about commenting on this blog lately. Where are you all? What are you doing? Why aren’t you giving me feedback in the comments? I really need your help here so please please pretty please leave me comments when you read my posts.
OK, I’m in a rush this morning so this will be brief. First up we have a Facebook comment from a brilliant man who works in the entertainment industry, which is to say I find him entertaining.
“Hell is full of rich people who have left their spoils to many others on earth for a short while. You are a 2nd wife of a rich man who is 30 years younger.”
Let’s take the first (alleged) sentence and try to parse it to determine meaning. The good news is it appears he is telling me I am rich which is totally awesome because I didn’t know that! The bad news is I think he’s also opining that I may spend some time in a very warm climate once I reach room temperature. Back to the good news: there will be other rich people there! The wine and cheese is going to be first rate.
The confusing part is the “left their spoils to many others on earth for a short while.” If you can work through the strangled syntax, that sounds like charity, doesn’t it? But why would you end up in hell if you gave stuff to charity, even if just for a short while?
I may not believe in heaven or hell but I make it a point to donate my Jimmy Choo shoes and Hermes bags to Goodwill after I use them 10 times for the express purpose of avoiding tarnation if I’m incorrect about the afterlife.*
As for the second (alleged) sentence, I am thrilled to learn that much as I am, my husband is rich! Unfortunately, my excitement over his financial situation is tempered by my concern he has not shared that information with me.
Mr. Patience and Understanding has some explaining to do.
Finally, it seems my husband is 15 years old. It looks like I’ll be spending some time in the pokey if the cops find out, so please keep this hush-hush.
These comments were from a gentleman who constantly professes the importance of being nice, being an exemplary Christian, and how inspirational and supportive he is of other people, so color me confused. If cognitive dissonance was a crime, he’d get the death penalty even in a state that had abolished it.
Fear not, for I received a love letter this week as well! Let’s cleanse our palate with that and get on with our day:
Your updates from Europe were freakin’ hilarious. Are you sure you want to focus solely on advice writing? You are great at giving advice but I’d love to see more of this stuff! I love you – will you be my new best friend? -Sam in Seattle.”
Darling Sam, whom I adore more than the moon and stars:
Thank you for reading and praising Update 1, Update 2, and Update 3. I am actually planning on branching out a bit and doing more opinion and general comedy writing so stay tuned. I am pleased to take on the position as your new best friend and I am honored you have asked.
I struggled mightily with jet lag this week and have yet to finish my European Adventure story, so perhaps you all can help me? In the comments section which I KNOW YOU ARE ANXIOUS TO PARTICIPATE IN, leave a scenario for me to develop into another part of the story.
And now a shout out to Mr. Patience and Understanding, whose induction into the American College of Trial Lawyers provided me not only with the trip of a lifetime but also my proudest moments as a 2nd wife to a rich man who is 30 years younger.
Enjoy your weekend, everyone, and don’t forget to comment here and on my golocalpdx column today! Love and light and all that bullshit,