Dearest Darling Readers:
I apologize for the disappearance but I traveled to a strange place called “Las Vegas” where they allege to have wi-fi but actually jam the signal so you can’t be distracted from the business of losing money. I did lose $20.00 on the first Arizona game but no money thereafter.
My dignity? That’s another story.
Please enjoy today’s blog and rest assured I will make up for my absence this week with a flurry of brilliant missives.
I was divorced over a year ago. The decision to divorce was mutual and we generally get along pretty well. Unfortunately, recent events have caused a lot of difficulty between my ex-husband and me.
In a nutshell the problem is this: he is dating someone and has decided it’s OK to introduce our kids to her and her children. It is obviously way too early for this and I am not happy. My girls are 10 and 12 and I think it’s very confusing for them.
Our marriage was dead for years before we finally split so I assure you I am not jealous. I just believe that for at least the next couple of years he and I need to focus on the kids and making sure they are happy and well-adjusted. I don’t think introducing them to a series of lovers and their kids is a good way to do that.
I’ve had plenty of opportunities to date and have chosen not to because I think it’s too soon. Obviously I can’t tell my ex he can’t date but I’d like to have a conversation with him about when it is appropriate to introduce new people into our kids’ lives. I love it when you give a script so fire away!
Your Biggest Fan
Dear Biggest Fan:
I don’t think you are going to be my biggest fan anymore after you read this blog but I’ll risk you losing your top spot in order to remove your head from its firmly placed position in your butt.
Let’s talk about your ex first, then you.
You are correct that you have no place in telling him whether or not it is appropriate to date but you don’t understand it is equally ridiculous for you to issue admonitions regarding whether and when he can introduce his current Hot Pocket and her kids to his kids.
We emailed and you told me he has been dating this woman for 6 months and although he dated a few other people before meeting her, he never introduced his kids to any of his other Horizontal Wiggle Friends. You also told me your daughters have never mentioned feeling uncomfortable about meeting dad’s new gal.
If you told me he repeatedly brings random women and their offspring into and out of your kids’ lives and that they are indeed confused and upset I’d be concerned, but that’s clearly not the case. I think you know that and I think that’s the real problem here.
The opposite of love is not hate, nor is it an obsession with what the other person is doing and to whom. The opposite of love is indifference and honey, you ain’t there yet.
I’m not saying you are still in love with your ex-husband and want him back, but I am saying that recent developments in his life have finally forced you to do what you seem to have thus far refused to do: accept that the marriage is well and truly over.
I’m happy for him because unlike his ex-wife he is living in the present and the future, not the past. And that brings me to you, my Biggest Fan, and I hope you remain as such after you read this and throw your iPhone against the wall:
There’s a reason the rearview mirror is so much smaller than the windshield.
You’ve got a brilliant future in front of you: you are smart, funny, attractive (thanks for the picture, you little hottie!) and you have a great job. So why are you craning your head to rubberneck at the fatal accident that was your marriage?
As for your concerns about your kids, they are wildly misplaced. This is a man you describe as a wonderful father and a great guy and your kids aren’t bothered at all so I’m not buying what you’re trying to sell me. To the contrary, I wonder if your children sense you have put your social life on hold for them and they carry the burden of that knowledge with them.
In order for you to raise happy and well-adjusted kids, you need to be happy and well-adjusted yourself. So long as you have processed and moved past the divorce, that includes getting laid on a regular basis and enjoying the opportunity to share your life with a new partner.
With the exception of Justin Bieber’s mom and dad, a parent’s instinct is to sacrifice their own needs and wants for those of their kids. However, such sacrifice isn’t always appropriate and it isn’t appropriate here.
Remember the flight attendant speech about what to do if you are traveling with your kids and the plane suffers cabin decompression: put the oxygen mask on your kid AFTER yours so they won’t suffocate when you can’t put theirs on correctly because you’ve passed out.
It’s important you live your life and get back in the groove so strap on that oxygen mask, stop thinking about your ex-husband, and accept the offer next time someone you find interesting asks you on a date.
So long as you and your husband remain committed to a positive and cordial co-parenting relationship your children are going to be fine but meddling in your husband’s social life threatens that stability so knock it off and go get yourself some loving.