Listen up, people! I am making a very important announcement today!
Divorce by Design Consulting Services
I am pleased as punch, whatever the hell that means, to announce the opening of my new business. Please share this with anyone you know who is considering divorce, embroiled in one now, or who has post-divorce issues.
As of last week, I am officially open for business! I’ve been doing private mediation for about a year and have never charged anyone because the reward of helping people and taking clients and money away from DICKs (Divorce Industrial Complex Kingpins) was compensation enough.
Unfortunately/fortunately, I’ve become quite popular in this field. It’s time for mama to make some money.
I made this announcement last Friday on Facebook and since that time I have already picked up two new clients which brings my current list to five.
I Am Different. But You Already Knew That.
My approach is unlike any other. Those of you who have been through a divorce, look at the bullet points below. I’d LOVE to hear your feedback in the comments.
Did your divorce look something like this?
- initial consult with well-known partner Lawyer A(sshole); huge promises made to “win”
- payment of a nice fat retainer
- retainer used up almost immediately and you don’t see any real work that was accomplished as a result
- Lawyer A disappears into a black hole, never to be seen again
- In comes Lawyer B(aby), who slid out of his mother just last week and has exactly 34 minutes of legal practice experience under his belt
- firm accountant asks for more money
- you pay more
- case drags on and on and on and on
- firm accountant asks for more money
- you pay more
- Lawyer B picks fights with your spouse’s lawyer
- Lawyer B is overwhelmed by your case and brings on Lawyer C (you next Tuesday)
- both your lawyers appear at hearings, meetings, and on phone calls
- lawyers convince you hiring all sorts of “experts” is in your best interests
- lawyers convince you and your spouse you need a parenting evaluation, even though you both know you are great parents
- firm accountant asks for more money
- you pay more
- lawyers are only accessible when they are hounding you for money, a job they now handle because the firm accountant committed suicide from despair brought on by working in a misery factory
- months go by with no settlement discussions
- Lawyer B quits and Lawyer C takes over the bulk of the work; convinces you to hire appraiser to determine value of your sex toy collection
- Lawyer C, busy supervising the dildo value assessment, becomes overwhelmed; brings in Lawyer D(ipshit)
- insane discovery requests lead you to believe you’ll next be asked for a stool sample
- trial date postponed
- lawyers calls in the mediator right before trial (they are terrified of actually trying a case)
- mediation lasts for several hours under extreme pressure; case is settled and nobody is happy with the results
- you add up your legal fees and realize that was about two college educations
- your relationship with your ex is now shit and you both nurse grudges over the protracted legal battle
- your kids are miserable, don’t understand why you two can’t get along, and grow to resent you and distrust the value of marriage
- even your dog is depressed and considering taking the firm accountant’s approach to life
Simply put: it doesn’t have to be this way. I offer a better solution.
What the hell is “Divorce by Design” all about, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you!
Some Services I Offer
- divorce (and post-divorce) family mediation
- legal fee review to determine just how your lawyer screwed or is screwing you
- assistance fighting lawsuits from your former DICK when they sue you for unpaid balances
- divorce paperwork
- gut checks on proposed settlement offers
Services I Don’t
- Destruction of your spouse.
Why not destruction of your spouse? Because my mediation and legal services are not typical in any way. I am not a traditional “divorce lawyer.” I know some who are very good people but I choose not to be a member of that group comprised of many people so despicable that I ask myself:
How do they look in the mirror every morning and resist the urge to spit?
Even if your spouse has hired one of those “people,” and I use the word ironically, I specialize in coaching how to handle a difficult spouse and their obnoxious DICK. If you have an attorney, I can coach you on being a better advocate for yourself and how to manage their time and costs.
The work I’ve done thus far of which I am the proudest is the mediation between couples. I’ve had people come to me who thought they hated each other and wanted to fight to the death. My extremely direct and reality based head-knocking has saved many from destroying themselves, their children, and going broke.
I expect my clients to be open to compromise and the spirit of resolution with minimal damage to the family’s mental health and financial well-being. If you want to screw your spouse and make them pay for whatever wrongs you think they visited upon you with a nasty divorce that will go on forever, please see your local divorce asshole lawyer, because that ain’t me.
If you are hell-bent on going broke, making your children miserable, and being unhappy for the rest of your life, I suggest hiring a DICK firm such as the one that pays a secretary 24,000/year to type, answer the phone, operate the leaf blower, and change the lightbulbs.
No, that was not a joke.
Email me for details and sliding scale flat-fee rates. I do NOT bill per hour, which is one of the benefits of how I work. You get full-service Robin, you pay a flat quarterly fee based upon what you can afford, and I work for you as much as is needed until you either no longer need me or you think I’m not helping you.
Save your sanity.
Save your children’s well-being.
Email me to set up a call during which we will discuss my creative and compelling solutions to family law issues, prior to, during, and after divorce. I’ll refer you to some very happy people with whom I’ve worked.
Then interview a DICK and ask them what their hourly rates are, their minimum billing units, their interest rates, their staff turnover rates, and their average length of time between filing a divorce petition and resolution of the case. When they lie to you (as they will), ask for proof.
Ask the DICK to give you five references to former clients who will tell you they have a positive relationship with their co-parent. What’s that? You think it’s impossible to get along with that asshole/bitch? Think again.
The anecdote below dealing with that question is in my book but I’ll leave it here for you all to consider. Yes, by the way, the book is still coming. Be patient!
As I mentioned in the beginning, I made this announcement last Friday on Facebook and in just two days I got two new clients and many communications from others who want to work with me.
Clearly there is a need for some original and creative thinking and action in this arena so email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s talk.
George Ponders the Nuclear Option Anecdote
Take a moment and imagine the unimaginable: you are faced with the choice of your own death or the death of your child.
If you have more than one child, use your favorite for this exercise, or as they call that person in my family, “Robin.”
Then imagine you’ve decided to picnic at a park near the train tracks, and you lose sight of your child for a moment. When next you spot your child, she is playing on the tracks with a train bearing down upon her.
Why did you choose to have a picnic in such a dangerous location? That was dumb.
Your poor picnic location selection along with your daughter’s similarly poor decision-making ability leaves you with a choice of running to push her off the tracks and becoming the human version of flying tomato bisque soup or watching her die via a combination of speed, velocity and Darwinism.
I realize this is an unlikely scenario, but please bear with me. I’m getting to a point and it’s a really good one.
So what do you do?
For most of us the choice is crystal clear.
We immediately rush to the tracks and save our child. We die and go on to our great reward (or not, depending upon how naughty we’ve been) as we deliver to our children the gift of ultimate sacrifice in exchange for their safety.
My use of this outrageous hypothetical began about a year ago when my friend “George” was unexpectedly faced with a divorce. His wife Martha had cheated on him and he was, in a word, pissed. As many of my friends do when they are pissed off and needing to vent, George called me.
“I hate her,” he seethed. “I’m going to take the kids and the house and leave her with nothing, but not until I publicly humiliate her in court. I need a lawyer who can destroy that bitch. Who do you recommend?”
“This is not a telephone conversation,” I said. “Come over and I’ll pour you a big tumbler of vodka and we can discuss.”
It’s important when delivering information that can change someone’s life that you do it in person and with vodka. The personal touch is to ensure your message is clearly received. The vodka is because it can lubricate difficult conversations and also, vodka is wonderful!
George arrived soon after we hung up. We sat down to talk. I let him rant for a while because that’s what friends do, plus it was somewhat entertaining. I could actually see smoke coming out of his ears and that was a first for me.
George was adamant. He wanted the nastiest lawyer available to help him destroy his wife personally, professionally, financially, and parentally. He had heard that one attorney in particular fit the bill and so he came to me for advice.
After he settled down a bit and was elbow-deep into his second drink, I told him I was going to ask him some very simple questions. His answers to those questions would guide him in his selection of counsel.
“George,” I asked, “do you love your kids?”
He looked at me as if I’d lost my mind.
“Of course I do–you know that. What the hell, Robin? What kind of question is that?”
“Simmer down, pot roast,” I warned him. “I’m not through with you yet.”
Then I trotted out my Train Track Picnic hypothetical from above and asked my now-fuming and half-drunk friend, “So? What do you do?”
At this point George was sputtering and clearly exasperated.
“What any parent would do!” he shouted. “I would die to save my children! What does that have to do with who represents me in my divorce?”
“It has everything to do with it,” I told him firmly.
“If you go nuclear in this divorce and hire that lawyer, a woman whose terrible reputation would precede her if it could squeeze past her in a doorway, your children will suffer. Not just a little, but a lot.
“Just for a moment, assume that I am absolutely correct because I assure you, I am. Now go back and remember you just told me you would die for your kids. How can you possibly tell me your love for these children is great enough to give up your life for, but not great enough to give up your anger? Because I assure you – you are making that choice. It truly is that simple.”
Then he cried.