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If You Can’t Say Anything Nice…

The other day, someone emailed me and asked me to try to say something positive about each Republican presidential candidate.

I decided to turn the challenge into a Facebook post.  As I rattled off the compliments to the candidates as quickly as I could, I realized that my parents were right:

It feels good to say nice things about other people – even those with whom you strenuously disagree.

I’ve improved it a bit with some editing and I’ve added Democratic candidates too so as to improve my chances at being viewed as fair and balanced.

Y’all ready for this?  

(Please forgive formatting errors as I do not have time to correct them this morning)

Robin Compliments People; Feel Good about Herself!

Donald Trump:

His ego is unmatched by any other man on earth. Before you think that’s an insult, remember he thinks it’s a uuuuuuuuge compliment.  Therefore, I have remained within the parameters of the challenge.

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(“My two foreign-born wives prove the adage that immigrants are willing to do the jobs Americans won’t.  Maybe I should rethink my position on this issue…”)

Ted Cruz:

At least we won’t need to worry about a bunch of sexual scandals springing forth. I can’t imagine anyone fucking that guy if they weren’t at gunpoint. Even then, I’d choose the lead over the head any day of the week.  

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(“Sorry ladies, my charming personality and good looks are only for Heidi.”)
Marco Rubio:
What he lacks in experience, wisdom, and maturity he makes up for with an excess of pep and a neediness for love matched only by Trump’s. 
Unknown
(“Please like me.  Please?”)

Ben Carson:

His sleepiness never gets in the way of his ability to “cut a bitch.”
Unknown-1
(“My aim as a surgeon has improved since the stabbing incident.”)

John Kasich:

Until yesterday, he was very stealthy and adept at moving within the GOP nomination race without being spotted and recognized.  

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(“God damn it, I am the governor of Ohio and I took second place in New Hampshire!”)

On Jeb! Bush:

He is unrelenting in his enthusiasm that he can experience a massive upward shift and hit 5% in the polls.  He also adorably and optimistically believes that his mother loves him.

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(“If your poll numbers don’t improve I’ll stick you in that mason jar alongside the fetus of my miscarried child.”) Readers: Google it if you don’t believe me, folks.

Rand Paul:
His campaign suspension will give him more time to shop for Gheri-curl product and fight to overturn the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
Unknown-2

(“I hate racism, but I believe any business should be able to exclude people based on race.”)

Chris Christie:

Now that he’s dropped out of the race and is looking for something to occupy his time, he should consider a personal litigation project.  This man has a very good malpractice case against the doctor who performed his gastric bypass surgery.

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(“I would be a much better president than Obama.  The problem with that guy is he has no self-control!”)

Rick Santorum:

His campaign suspension gives him more time to woo Michelle Bachmann and google “santorum.”

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(“Michelle, I think I love you.  We are both so reasonable and sane.  Wait, what are you doing?  Please don’t google ‘Santorum!’)

Carly Fiorina:

Her loss in New Hampshire gave her the chance to fire her entire campaign staff, making her as happy as a baby-body-parts broker at a Planned Parenthood convention.  Her exit from the race also gives her more time to locate that video which she will broadcast on her new television network “CarlyCable!”

Unknown-3

(“You’re fired!  Oh wait, that’s Donald’s catch-phrase.  You’re out of here!”)

Lindsey Graham:

Lindsey noted recently that Ted Cruz would get “creamed” by the Democrats in a general election, a term this confirmed bachelor is very familiar with.

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(“I just haven’t found the right girl yet.”)

Mike Huckabee:

The suspension of his campaign frees up his time so he can and his family can write the sequel to his book “Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork.”

Current working title?

“Fuck It! I’m Hungry and this Cake Ain’t Going to Eat Itself.”

Huck Fam

(“We’ve fattened the dog up nicely, kids.  Someone get a knife and I’ll light the barbecue!”)

Rick Perry:

The suspension of his campaign gives him more time to brush his pretty hair and look for glasses that make him look smart.

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(“Since I think America should annex Mexico, technically I was correct!”)

Bobby Jindahl:

The suspension of his campaign allows him to participate in more exorcisms and investigate those “no-go zones for Muslims” that have popped up all over London.

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(“Please stop calling me ‘Piyush.'”)
Now for the Democrats!
Hillary Clinton:
If she fails to secure the nomination, she has a bright future in fashion design.
54ae96862de05_-_elle-hillary-clinton-2ziyjp-h-lgn
(“I made these myself!  They’re cute, right?”)

Bernie Sanders:

If he were to suddenly die he could still win the nomination and general election. How?  
Larry David could slip into his place and nobody would ever know the difference.
Unknown-4
(“I’m the first posthumous president!”)
Martin O’Malley
He’s handsome and has the amazing superpower of invisibility.  Unfortunately, he can’t control when it kicks in.  
Governor_O'Malley_Portrait
(Recently overheard on a conference call with Bernie and Hillary:
“Can I be vice-president, please?  It’s Martin.  Martin O’Malley?  61st governor of Maryland?  The good-looking one. Come on, I know you know who I am!”)
Gotta run.  Top secret work is a-calling.  Stay tuned for some big scoops in the next few days!
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