I just realized one of the reasons why I hate Trump so much and have such a visceral reaction to him.
Please note: This newly-discovered reason to loathe Trump is in addition to his current status as an apricot-colored lobotomized and bloated pyrite-plated fascist.
Trump’s entire persona is based upon insulting people – and he’s really bad at it.
Trump is painfully, awfully, terribly terrible at calumniation. He’s repetitive, uninteresting, unoriginal, intellectually lazy, and worst of all: he thinks he is funny when he is absolutely and decidedly unfunny.
I consider myself a professional insulter so this is especially irksome for me. I’m the Earnest Hemingway of insults and he’s the Danielle Steele, which brings me to a point both general and specific today:
If you suck at something, please don’t do it anymore.
I took my own advice on the same subject two years ago and stopped practicing law. My friends and family are hoping I will again take my own advice and stop attempting to learn the ukulele. However, generally speaking, I have always lived by the rule that if you are going to have a shtick you better damn well excel at it.
Today’s blog is a comparison of some of my favorite insults as contrasted with Trump’s. Please share and encourage him to find another way to communicate, because if I have to hear him say “low energy” or “doing terribly in the polls” one more time, I’m going to kill myself.
TRUMP v. DESCAMP: INSULT CAGE MATCH FROM HELL
Trump on Jeb! Bush:
“He’s low energy and his poll numbers are terrible.”
Me on Portland’s biggest DICK (Divorce Industrial Complex Kingpin):
“Our DICK will make her final decision in January after digesting her Christmas turkey – a delicious bird and former pet she happily strangled with her own two hands, brined by her ‘personal chef’ (during overtime hours for which he didn’t earn overtime) in the tears of broken-hearted children affected by her practice style.”
Trump on Carly Fiorina:
“Look at that face!”
Me on Trump:
“I would never call Donald Trump a cunt, pussy or twat because he possesses no strength, flexibility, warmth, or depth.”
Trump on John McCain:
“He’s not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”
Me on Trump (again):
“Trump is an angry and worthless half-eaten rotten cantaloupe with less world knowledge than a squirrel home-schooled by an English Muffin.”
Trump on Ted Cruz:
“Not a lot of evangelicals come out of Cuba.”
Me on Ted Cruz:
“Mr. Cruz regrets to announce today he has been diagnosed with a severe case of ‘Hyperbosyphillis.’
“Hyperbosyphillis begins with the chancre of diety worship and is later characterized by incoherent ranting, unreasonable feelings of persecution, swelling of the hubris, a hot and burning fever in the genital region when handsome men are within groping distance, and a pus-like odiferous ooze of paranoic discharge foaming from the severely-pursed and preternaturally tiny lips of the word hole.”
Trump on Carson:
“Carson has a pathological disease, like a child molester. A child molester, there’s no cure for that. If you’re a child molester, there’s no cure.”
Me on a reader who sent me hate mail:
“While I disagree with his perspective, I appreciate that he took time to write me during his smoke break at the halfway house for parolees where he lives until his next arrest for armed robbery and molesting cognitively-challenged Labradoodles.”
Trump on Cher and Rosie O’Donnell
(this is what we in the insult industry Call a TFFYT – a “Two-Fer ‘Fuck You’ Tweet”):
“Cher is an average talent who is out of touch with reality. Like Rosie O’Donnell, a total loser!”
Me on anonymous online commenters:
“I find anonymous commenters to be gutless, cowardly, small, and less qualified than I to debate any issue, including (but not limited to) how to braise a turkey, best methods for keeping your shower free from scum, proper form when doing Kegel exercises, and alimony reform.”
Trump on Rubio:
“I think I’m better-looking than he is. He is the one that sweats the most. He’s the youngest but I have never seen any human being sweat like that.”
Me on my biggest fan, a Florida reader who filed a bar complaint against me here in Oregon for being snarky on the Internet:
“Although some could question my qualifications to diagnose Complainant, based upon her incessant and aberrant attacks against me and others online I truly believe she is mentally unstable. Upon reflection, perhaps ‘mentally unstable’ would have been a better choice of words than ‘fucking loon,’ but I do so enjoy a turn of phrase now and again.”
Trump on Rand Paul:
“I never attacked him on his look, and believe me, there’s plenty of subject matter right there.”
Me, once again, on my biggest fan (in my response to her complaint):
“Perhaps describing the complaint as ‘unintelligible and scribbled onto paper with a sad purple crayon: worn down to its nub and as useless as the wing nut who wields it’ was overkill. Nah. I know you are laughing right now. And you are now looking around your office to make sure nobody can see you laughing. It’s OK. I won’t tell.”
I’m not always quite so direct. The subtle insults are also fun and sometimes doubly-so.
I recently referred to an especially annoying and sleazy lawyer who tried and failed spectacularly to gain admission into a premiere golf club as an “avid golfer and (apparently not selective) Milwaukie Country Club member.”
That’s one of my favorite insults because while not everyone may get it, the people who I want to get it get it. Get it?
So, ladies and gentlemen, you have been warned. If you cannot insult people properly, knock it off already and hire me as a your Abusive Invective consultant. I charge five dollars per word but my opprobrium comes with a money-back guarantee.