Today I have an update for you on last week’s Thimble-Penised Walter Palmer Poaches Lion.
I was contacted by one of Dr. Palmer’s alleged friends. Her name was Peggy, and she was not happy with me. I get that a lot, so don’t worry about my hurt feelings.
Rather than cut and paste our conversation, I’ll ask you to please click on that link to see it in its original form in the comments. I’d also love you to add your own comment so get on over there!
Here’s the link again, in case you are too lazy to scroll up three lines: Walter J. Palmer, Man Amongst Men (Who Poach).
In other news, I am finishing the last chapter of my book Divorce by Design: How to Split Without Losing Your Mind, Your Money and Your Kids.
I need some stories from those of you who have been successful in creating a post-divorce relationship with your ex. Please email me if you are willing to share your experiences. You can be anonymous in the book if you prefer so let’s talk!
Trolls: Why Do You Love Me So Much?
Finally, I’ve been wrangling with an internet troll recently who reminds me of one of my favorite regular readers. These two women both sit poised at their computers, refreshing the screen every 6 seconds to push my content into their lives so they can be outraged by it.
If you don’t like ice cream, don’t eat ice cream.
If you don’t like Robin, don’t read Robin.
It’s rather simple, and yet I find some people are turned on by initiating unhappy experiences. This is especially true of my troll Jennifer, who lives in a trailer in Orange City, Florida, and who reported me last week to the Oregon State Bar for “harassment” and “terrorism.”
No, this is not a joke, although I suspect the bar employee saddled with this complaint had a chuckle or two while reading it.
Jennifer regularly initiates ugly confrontations with those who hold opinions contrary to her own. She hides behind anonymous or fake Facebook pages and blogs and obsesses over every word written by me and others in the alimony reform movement.
She lashes out, makes wild and false accusations, files for restraining orders that are promptly denied, and generally stews in her pot of discontent, waiting for something new to infuriate her.
Jenny reminds me of a woman who reads my work every chance she gets and sends me nasty emails in response. Or she did, until I wrote the following Friday Feedback.
If you need a good laugh on this Monday morning, have another look at how I handled my favorite troll last year.
Welcome to Friday Feedback, our weekly hacking up and spitting out of the reader critique phlegmball.
This week we are pleased to announce the reappearance of a former commenter who has written us under a new name. That cheeky little monkey is apparently unaware that her IP address remains the same, despite her choice of a new moniker.
I think your constant lecturing on people getting along with their ex spouses is stupid and lame and doesn’t take into account that most people get divorced because they don’t like each other – duh.
My ex-husband cheated on me and ended up married to a woman 20 years younger and he looks like a fool. Tell me again why I should be nice to him and his child bride?
Our kids are adults so who cares? Of course, your husband is a lot older than you – did you steal him from his real wife?
Go back to being a lawyer because your advice is shit. Go screw yourself.
First Wife, Only Wife
Let’s address your critique in the order in which it appears, because I have a raging headache and need a numbered list to keep myself organized today.
1. Constant Lecturing
If you find my “constant lecturing” on establishing and maintaining positive post-dissolution relationships both stupid and lame, I am having a bit of difficulty understanding what leads you to my blog so often.
It’s not that I mind your readership, I am just struggling to understand why a woman as intelligent and insightful as you would subject herself to the whimsical musings and hackneyed advice I render on a nearly-daily basis.
You might want to talk to someone about your obsession with me. If you’d like some free advice on this unrequited love, feel free to drop me a line!
2. Your Ex’s Wandering Peen
I can’t imagine why your husband cheated on you and is now wed to another woman. You seem so nice.
3. Your Happy Husband Looks Like a Fool?
You and your girlfriends may think your husband looks like a fool with his younger wife, but for every judgmental hag giving him the side-eye, he’s got four golfing buddies giving him a high-five and asking him to remind them what sex feels like.
4. Why Should You be Nice?
You should be nice because your kids would be less miserable if you tried to get along with their father and his wife.
If you care not about the happiness of your children, please carry on with your current paradigm of anger, envy and self-righteous indignation.
Yes, they are adults but remember: adults have feelings too! We know you have lots and lots of feelings, don’t we?
5. Mr. Patience and Understanding
Not only do you read my work but it seems you may have done a little additional digging for information about me. Yes, Mr. Patience and Understanding is older than I.
As for your accusation of theft from his “real” wife, his “real wife” is me. Since I can’t steal him from myself unless my multiple-personality disorder acts up again, I’m going to have to answer your question with a “no.”
While I do not believe any person can be “stolen” from another (we are humans, not handbags) I hope it will please you to learn that Mr. Patience and Understanding was quite single when we met. It probably won’t please you, however, because it doesn’t suit your narrative.
For a description of our first meeting, be sure to read this: Best First Date Ever. Worst Third Date Ever.
Readers, if you haven’t checked out this old blog of mine about a really bad date and the best first date ever, be sure to click. It’s a good one and every word of it is true. I have lived an often-strange life at times.
6. Your Advice Regarding My Return to Lawyering
I am honored that you took the time to give me career advice (awesome script-flipping and role-reversal, sister!) but let me assure you: my legal work was even worse than the shit you subject yourself to every time you point your browser in my general direction.
Besides, returning to the practice of law is not an option. I quite purposefully burned every bridge possible so I could never go back to an unhappy career.
I’d tell you to do the same (find your passion and work hard at it) but I have this niggling feeling that your idea of “work” is organizing your shoe collection, stalking your ex-husband’s wife on Facebook and watching the mailbox for your alimony check.
7. Your Command I Engage in Onanism
Given our apparent lack of chemistry and the fact Mr. Patience and Understanding is righting the world’s wrongs in court right now, I may very well have to take the action suggested in your last sentence.
8. Your Commenting Name(s)
Finally, while I appreciate your almost-weekly commentary on my terrible advice and general awfulness, you should know that changing your name does not hide your IP address. That means although I don’t know your real name, I do know that First Wife, Only Wife is the same writer as “Anonymous” and “Betrayed” and “Best Mom.”
Just a little technical FYI for ya there.
Your Favorite Pastime,