I am a member of a small tennis and pool club here in Seattle. I spend a great deal of time at the club and consider it my sanctuary. I recently found out that a woman I cannot stand is applying for membership with her new husband, who I also cannot stand.
She has slept with half the men at the club when they were married and broke up two marriages I know of and has made several unwelcome passes at my husband, who finds her unattractive and vile. Her husband is loud and crude and is known to be quite grabby with women other than his wife.
My husband and I disagree on whether to protest their membership. He says it is none of our business and bad karma to blackball this couple but I think I should protect my treasured club from obnoxious members.
We have both agreed to take your advice on this matter so what do you think?
Anne in Queen Anne
Ah, first world problems.I’d like to commend you on agreeing to go with my advice here because it’s annoying when people don’t. First I’ll give you my commandment and then my reasoning behind it.
Usually I bury the lede to get folks to read all the way to the end, but I’ve decided not to play those head games anymore, especially since you are probably in a rush to get to your sorority alumni meeting after you pick up your Lexus from the shop.
My advice: blackball the shit outta this couple.
I don’t really believe in karma because The Divorce Lawyer Who Shall Not Be Named is still licensed and breathing unassisted and Kim Kardashian and Donald Trump have more followers on Twitter than I ever will. I’m not saying you should blackball this couple because of karma or conversely not blackball them for the same reason.
Instead, my advice is purely practical. You told me how much your membership costs every month (a shitload) and how hard you and your husband work at your jobs (again, a shitload) to pay for that membership. You are correct: this is your sanctuary and should remain as such.
My failure to take part in fighting the membership efforts of a similarly obnoxious person led to seeing his smarmy, sneering bloated face at my golf club on a regular basis. Did it absolutely ruin the club for me? No. Did seeing his hulking proboscis and sweaty, balding pate negatively affect my swing? Yes. After he joined, my handicap went up three points.
It couldn’t possibly be my fault because I never practice and I drink too much on the golf course. No way. I am accountable for my own problems; you people know that!
I don’t go there anymore. I think the staff miss me!
Back to you, Muffie. If this couple is as pestiferous and loathsome as you describe, you will probably not be alone in your efforts to keep Slutty Sue and Grab-ass Gropey Gus out of the club. If you aren’t sure, you may want to rustle up a posse of haters. Sounds like that will be a cake walk.
A couple of words of caution/wisdom:
1. Be circumspect regarding with whom you share your Operation Blackball lest you suffer from Operation Blackball Blowback. I’d focus on the women whose husbands have been the object of Sue’s affection.
2. Be prepared to back up your protest with a threat to quit the club. If you are going to do this thing, you better go all the way and mean it or you will come off like a petty bitch with a high school mentality.
3. If you do not intend to leave the club and Operation Blackball is unsuccessful, hire a hacker to get into Slutty Sue’s email so you can monitor when she will be at the club and thus avoid her as best you can.*
This is a no-brainer, in my always humble opinion. Look at it this way: you are actually doing this couple a favor by teaching them one of the most important lessons in life of which they are apparently blissful unaware:
Shit comes back like a boomerang of pain, so be nice.
Because of something I did years ago, I am 99% sure I would be blackballed from two clubs in this town. Guess what? I deserve it. And I would never be stupid enough to apply to those clubs in the first place. People tell me I have big ovum, but no ovum is big enough for that kind of hubris.
Because of my work, I hear a lot of great stories. Feast your eyes on this one!
- Husband moves for reduction or termination in alimony based on reduction in income, ex-wife’s refusal to attempt to support herself, ex-wife’s receipt of large inheritance (which she lied about and said was approximately 8% of what it actually was), length of time alimony had been paid and lack of ex-wife’s need for alimony.
- Ex-wife’s attorney, let’s call him “Chadford Stiller,” refuses to mediate, provide required discovery, and is in general a gigantic gaping, chancre-festering asshole during the litigation he purposefully dragged out for over a year (mediation was finally forced by the judge and agreed to by Chadford once he realized the other side knew his client was cheating on her taxes in ways both prolific and creative).
- Our man Chad takes the obscene position that ex-husband’s current wife should be held responsible for the alimony and sends voluminous discovery requests to current wife, ignoring procedural rules repeatedly as she was not a party to the case.
- Ex-wife’s attorney and his partner talk about the ex-husband around a small town and not in a flattering way. Said gossip gets back to ex-husband.
- Ex-wife’s attorney writes in a letter to ex-husband that even if his income is down he should not be entitled to a reduction based on the fact he is a member of a private golf club (let’s call it “City Golf Club”) Attorney scolds ex-husband and says he should quit that club so his client can continue to enjoy her life without work, personal responsibility, accountability, or worry. You can smell what’s happening next, right?
- Ex-wife’s attorney applies for membership at said club. Look at the balls on Chad!
Needless to say, Asshole, Esq. is currently looking for his shanks and hooks, along with his self-esteem, in the bushes at a private club that forgot to do their due diligence. One would think balls that big would be easy to spot, but I hear he’s still looking.
The joke around that place, let’s call it “Graverly,” is that they were now the town dump for the more discerning golf clubs’ rejects. Record-number-setting rejects, by the way. Rumor has it no man ever got bonged as hard as Stiller, poor little fella.
All the men Stiller so craves respect and admiration (and business) from think he is a dirtbag of epic proportions and nobody but the least-respected members want to see him, hear his womanly voice, or golf with him.
Good luck with Operation Blackball and if you need any assistance, please let me know. I love this shit.**
It practically gets me hard.
*This is a joke. Relax.
** The same thing happened to his boss, known as the single most unethical lawyer in the state, at a tennis club. Let’s call it the “Racquet Club,” because, why not? It also happened to her at an exclusive business club, which I could name but why bother: this is like shooting drunk fish in a barrel!