(Illustration courtesy of Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist and all-around political genius Jack Ohman)
I don’t know about you, but I have had enough of this presidential race.
The GOP apparently has too, because they contacted me this morning to ask if I’d consider a third-party run against their presumptive nominee. I’ve accepted, but on the condition that Archie the Drunken Chihuahua be my running mate.
“Of course!” they said. “We were actually hoping you would give him the top of the ticket…”
Every day the news grows stranger and stranger and I find myself wondering if perhaps it isn’t time to finally finish that survival kit I’ve been planning to assemble. As I was reading online commentary on a political story this morning, I noted one commenter used the word “pussy” to describe Trump.
That pissed me off.
If this looks familiar, you are a loyal reader or you’ve seen it lifted and posted elsewhere by a word thief. If it doesn’t, I hope you will both enjoy my pronouncement and follow through with my new rule.
So what is the new rule?
Everyone in this country must now substitute “Trump” or an appropriate variation thereof when considering using slang for the female genitalia as an insult.
“Wow! Donald said he would debate Bernie Sanders and the next day he backed out! What a pussy move!”
would be rewritten as:
“Wow! Donald said he would debate Bernie Sanders and the next day he backed out! What a Trump move!”
Brace yourselves, sensitive readers. If the certain arrangement of consonants and vowels works you into a lather you may want to go read Caroline Hax’s column instead.
On behalf of women everywhere, I hereby take back all iterations of vaginal insults.
I could go on, but those are the most popular versions of a vaginal insult: the attempt to degrade someone by comparing them to a tasty Lady Hot Pocket of Love.
It stops here.
It stops now.
I would never call Donald Trump a cunt, pussy or twat because he possesses no strength, flexibility, warmth, or depth.
As of today, I declare it illegal to use any vaginal insult when seeking to describe someone as cowardly, obnoxious, rude, obstreperous, ugly, or for any other put-down.
Instead, one must use “Trump, “Trumpy,” “Donald,” “Donald Trump,” and “The Donald” to make one’s point. Since I find both his older sons nearly as detestable as he is, you can also use the names “Donald Trump, Jr.” and “Eric Trump” as needed.
Donald Trump: the Biggest Trump on Earth.
Trump is a draft-dodging coward. He is a gutless wimp who purchased his three wives, two of whom were foreigners thus proving we need immigrants to do the disgusting work Americans won’t.
He brags about stiffing his creditors, has gone through four bankruptcies, and waged a vicious campaign to destroy a small town and its people in Scotland (click on that link – I cannot recommend this documentary highly enough).
Trump’s purpose on earth is now the division of this nation into two groups:
- Those who abhor him and recognize him as the fascist he is: the reincarnation of Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin all rolled into one; and
- Those who don’t.
If you are in Group #2, kindly fuck off in another direction.
I freely admit I too am a coward who never joined the military. The difference between me and Trump is that I am not currently advocating the wholesale slaughter of millions in the Middle East, nor am I calling for boots on the ground in yet another American Adventure in Sandy Democracy.
I also did not get sent away to a military-style boarding school as a child for being an asshole and then compare that time to serving in the real military.
That’s right: Trump has bizarrely claimed that his five years at the New York Military Academy in Cornwall-on-Hudson provided him with all the necessary skills and experience to serve as our commander in chief.
Not only that, his pretend training was superior to the actual military!
From the Washington Post:
Although he received educational and medical deferments from the Vietnam War draft, he has said that the school provided him “more training militarily than a lot of the guys that go into the military. I did very well under the military system. I became one of the top guys at the whole school.”
I also did not make outrageous claims of being “so good at the military your head will spin” after dodging the draft for pretend health problems. Of course, we haven’t had an active draft since 1973 and my possession of a wahgina (new word, do you like it?) and boobies means I didn’t have to register*, but you get my point.
Not sure how I feel about this guy yet? Let me be clear:
Donal Trump: an angry and worthless half-eaten ant-covered rotten cantaloupe with less world knowledge than a squirrel home-schooled by an English Muffin.
He is a Trumpy Donald who has no grasp on the difference between fascism and democracy. He has no concept of the difference between what he wants to do and what can actually be done by the President of the United States. He is dangerously stupid and obscenely arrogant – a narcissist of the highest order.
My theory on Trump is that his parents loathed him, especially his father. Trump spent a lifetime chasing after love from a man who refused to give it to him because he knew his son was “not right.”
As a result, Trump grew to hate humanity because his father’s love was the one thing in the world he wanted. His father’s love was free – but he couldn’t have it.
- He couldn’t buy it.
- He couldn’t take it.
- He couldn’t steal it.
- He couldn’t sue for it.
- He couldn’t touch it.
But that is no excuse. Plenty of us have had less-than-ideal relationships with our parents but make the decision to be good people, regardless of our past.
Trump would still be a Trumpy Trump, even if his father had given him the love he craved so desperately. He is a broken man and living proof that there walk amongst us people with no concern whatsoever for the welfare of anyone but themselves.**
Trump is the biggest piece of stinking shit on American soil right now and his followers are Trumps too.
All of them.
If you agree, please share this. Don’t be a Trump; take a stand for what is right!
*Proposed legislation may change the rules so women are also compelled to register for the draft. More on that in an upcoming blog!
**I know others who fall squarely within this group: terrible people who idolized but were despised by their fathers. Interesting.