I’ll be brief.
I finally wrapped up my response to the bar complaint filed against me by another unhappy reader.
It is 43 pages long.
It is possibly funnier than anything I have ever written.
It is a brutal but honest excoriation of someone who needs to hear some hard truths about her conduct and that of those with whom she surrounds herself.
In other words, you have no idea how much it is killing me not to post this online.
Remember when I wrote earlier this week that I’ve made my point? In addition to other changes, I swore I would not post this response on my blog. I made a promise to myself not to give oxygen to a drama queen and I’m going to keep to that promise.
But oh my god, how it hurts.
I feel as if I’ve given birth to the most perfect and beautiful child in the world: a child who came sliding out of my birth canal speaking fluent French and singing all the songs from “Hamilton,” (my new obsession, in case you hadn’t noticed).
It’s that good.
It’s that good.
You know how you feel when a sneeze is stolen or you can’t quite get “there” during SexyTime®?” That’s how I feel today.
Still, a promise is a promise. I’m happy to email it to anyone who requests it so please add your name to the growing list by sending me a plea for 43 pages of “Oh No She Didn’t! Awesome Sauce” at: email@example.com.
My day over-runneth with book duties so I’ll leave you now with this poem:
The Blogger’s Dilemma
Oh god, you know I’m trying to change my ways, baby
but sometimes my head is in a daze, maybe
maybe I should not shut up?
maybe I should not backup?
Maybe I should fill my cup?
Fuck being a grownup!
I ain’t got no hangup!
Oh god, you know I’m trying to change my ways, honey
and yeah I know I need to make some big (money)
but maybe I should just keep pressing?
No more repressing!
Fuck window dressing!
That shit’s depressing!
Would that be transgressing?
Ah fuck it, I know you’re right, people.
When you get down in the mud with pigs, it’s fecal.
My journey’s long and it has just started
and this road ain’t for the fainthearted
these waters unchartered
I won’t be outsmarted
apologies to you, because I just farted
A reader commented below I should at the least just include a sampling from the response: my paraphrased yet frighteningly accurate version of a severance agreement. Here you go!
Robin DesCamp’s Version of an Employment Termination Agreement!
We, Company, are hereby terminating your employment.
You are a whiny, difficult pain in the ass and an embarrassment to our organization. You come in late, you leave early, and your attitude sucks. You wear too much perfume, too. That’s not really a job performance issue but it’s frankly discourteous to others.
We, Company, would rather you GTFO of here with some of our money in your pocket than darken our doorstep one more day. Rebuilding morale after you leave will take a good deal of time so we’d prefer to start now. Did we mention your teammates despise you?
Since you are a member of ___________ federal/state/local protected class and since you have made vague/not-so-vague litigation threats to various members of the management team, we, Company, figure it will save precious and scarce resources to scoot you out the door with this cash rather than deal with legal proceedings and the fees and publicly that go with them.
Our willingness to settle is also based upon our own screw-up. For the one millionth time we forgot to paper the personnel file with documentation of an employee’s awfulness, namely yours, thereby exposing us to a poor outcome should this case come to trial.
In exchange for the amount of $____________, you, Awful Employee, promise to:
1. GTFO like, yesterday;
2. Give us back our stuff if you’ve got any of it;
3. Promise not to sue us; and
“STFU” means as much as you’d like to tell everyone in town that we are agist/racist/homophobic/sexist/transphobic/anti-Semitic violators of the Americans with Disabilities Act, you can’t.
Keep you mouth shut, see, or we’ll snatch this money back for breach of this provision in liquidated damages equal to your severance so fast your head will spin.
They call it “hush money” for a reason, see, so sign below, take your check, and keep your mouth shut or we will do a take-backsie.
Best of luck in your new endeavors and don’t even think about ever trying to work here again.
Company Awful Employee
PS: You’ll never work in this town again.