Today I am making a big announcement about an announcement that I may or may not make in the future!
Those of you who toil through the daily muck of my Facebook page will find this announcement sounds familiar, so bear with me.
ANNOUNCEMENT! ROBIN DESCAMP RUNNING FOR PORTLAND CITY COUNCIL!
(Sort of. Maybe. Not really, but absolutely.)
Recently my fair city was assaulted with the terrible news that an infamous DICK (Divorce Industrial Complex Kingpin, but you knew that) is considering a run for Portland City Council against incumbent Nurse Amanda Fritz.
Upon hearing the news, women fainted, men clutched their pearls (we are a very liberal city, in case you didn’t know), and babies shit themselves.
Yes, babies shit themselves all the time, but the input/output ratio was excessive. Diapers from the east side to the west were groaning under the weight of feces excreted in fear we could have a quintessential bully on the Portland City Council.
This is the same DICK from the DICK firm that blames me for their bar complaints. Please see this blog for further detail: Portland is a Small Town.
There are some people so notorious and hated they can obtain press coverage by simply announcing a bowel movement, and this DICK is no exception. Ah, that someday I will have that kind of power! One can dream…
Both the Oregonian and the Willamette Weekly chose to publish this DICK’s “maybe I’ll run, maybe I won’t” press release/bowel movement despite her utter lack of experience, support, her standing in the community as a much-reviled asshole, and the fact her entire threat to run for office was based upon her dissatisfaction with poor parking options surrounding her Class Z office space.
Our DICK will make her final decision in January after digesting her Christmas turkey – a delicious bird and former pet she happily strangled with her own two hands, brined by her personal “chef” in the tears of broken-hearted children affected by her “practice style.”
The election is in May, so one could wonder at the hubris of a person with a terrible reputation assuming they could unseat an incumbent by running a campaign for a mere 4 months or so.
Then again, our DICK has an outsized ego not reflected by her actual abilities, so her confidence isn’t that surprising.
Portland’s Own Donald Trump
I’m not the biggest fan of Nurse Amanda.
She is far too liberal for my tastes and I was deeply annoyed by her approach to Uber’s much-needed arrival in Portland. Amanda has shown a tendency to view our city government as an entity best at work when it protects citizens from their own unhealthy but legal behavior. It’s her fault smokers are only allowed to smoke at home in their basement and with a sign around their neck reading, “I Hate Myself and I’m a Bad Person.”
However, we cannot trade Chamberlain for Hitler, and the devil you know is better than the actual Devil.
This DICK is a Stumptown version of Donald Trump. They actually look like they were separated at birth, but it is their ideologies and how they treat people that binds them together in this apt comparison.
Here are some words routinely used to describe the personalities and business methods of both our DICK and Trump:
- Completely lacking self-awareness
- Tone deaf
I’d go on but I think you get the point.
People like Trump and our DICK seem to think they can a) get elected, and b) once elected, impose their horrendous personalities on others in government and make them do what they want by sheer force and pressure.
The United States Federal government doesn’t work that way. Sorry, Donald, but the POTUS cannot unilaterally declare all Muslims banned from entering the United States. Please go back to 6th grade civics class and study the material this time (I assume he was too busy as a child killing neighborhood pets and masturbating to the memories of the crime to study much).
Similarly, an obnoxious bully cannot be elected as one of four city councilors who have to work with the mayor when their objective is to get elected and proceed to push other members of the council around.
To improve the parking at their Class Z office space.
Which is super-important to all Portlanders.
Back to My Announcement!
Should our heartless DICK announce in January that her pretend campaign is actually real, I shall announce my very real write-in campaign. Archie the Drunken Chihuahua has volunteered to be my campaign manager and promises to remain on the wagon until the election is over.
I will not be accepting campaign donations unless they come in the form of vodka and Chardonnay. I only ask that you support my campaign on your social media and perhaps you make a lawn sign or two.
To rally the troops, I will be hosting parties at which a giant DICK piñata, so large it takes up my entire living room (yet still is not as big as the real thing), will be swatted with her own bar complaints.
The beating continues until the piñata breaks open and the bankruptcy filings of divorced Portlanders impacted by this monster spill out.