Worried About My Wife

Dear Robin:

I can’t believe I am writing you but I heard you on the radio last week and you said something that hit me.  You made a joke about seeing women at a the Nest who had a lot of plastic surgery.  It was funny, but this is actually something I am worried about when it comes to my wife.

We are in our 60s and she has had a lot of plastic surgery in the past few years.  In the beginning it wasn’t that big of a deal but lately she is going overboard and planning more.  In between surgeries she is having all sorts of things injected in her face.  She is starting to look like someone I don’t even know anymore.

She’s always been very active, but lately she has been exercising much more than usual – I’d guess up to two hours a day.

I love my wife but all these changes are very concerning to me and frankly she is starting to look so different that I am becoming uncomfortable with her appearance.

How do I stop my wife from ruining her beautiful face and body and accept the aging process?

Ted

Dear Ted:

Let’s get the most important part of your letter out of the way:

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I’m so excited you heard me on the Bill Feingold show and it motivated you to write.  I’m on my way, baby!

OK, now that my blatant self-promotion is out of the way, I’d like to share with the readers some of the things we spoke about on the phone this morning.

1. You and your wife found each other late in life and have only been married 10 years.  You are both retired from impressive careers.

2. Your wife’s overactive obsession with her appearance coincided with your best friend and neighbor (let’s call him “Lucky”) getting married to a woman who is 25 years younger than he is.

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3. You and your wife are both in great physical shape, still have an active sex life and love to spend time together.

4. Your wife has not begun engaging in strange behavior such as going out late, disappearing for chunks of time, and dressing like a ho.

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5. You have never said anything to your wife about the work she is having done because you are worried about hurting her feelings.

OK, I am going to do the AskDesCamp Advice by Numbers thing today because it’s already late morning and I haven’t accomplished much beyond drinking coffee and my morning poop.

Before I start with the specific advice, I’d like to give you the good news: there is a BIG difference between wanting to look and feel younger and wanting to actually be younger.

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After spending almost an hour with you on the phone and utilizing my expert sense of how to analyze people I’ve never met, I think your wife falls in the first category.  This is normal and something that is far easier to address than if you are married to someone who truly wishes they could go back in time and be younger rather than whatever age they are.

I could write buckets on that subject but I’ll save it for another day, except to note that if your best days are behind you and you aren’t languishing in an old folks home or a coma, you are doing it wrong.

I think we all want to age as well as we can, and I am all for medical intervention.  If you engage in small procedures early and often you won’t end up looking like this:

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Instead, I suggest the Jennifer Anniston approach, which yields the following results:

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She looks amazing.  It’s a shame she can’t keep a man…

It sounds like your wife is having a bit of a mid-late-life crisis that was triggered by some insecurity about your friend and neighbor marrying a school girl.  However, you do need to speak with her about what’s going on because the excessive physical activity is not healthy and if she keeps going with the numerous procedures it could have a deleterious affect on your marriage, which is most likely the exact opposite of what she wants.

Honestly, it’s pretty simple: tell her how you feel, plus throw in a little exaggeration for maximum effect.  Here’s what I mean:

“Honey, I love you.  I am so happy with you and I am thrilled in our marriage, mostly because I’m so old that each time I see you you look new to me.  You are beautiful and sexy and every time you walk/hobble in the door, I want to pop a viagra and jump your osteoporosis-laden bones.  You know what’s unattractive to me?  Younger women.  I see the way Lucky looks at you and I know he wishes his little tart were more like you.”

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“But here’s the thing, sweetie.  All this stuff you are doing is changing the way you look and I love the way you look.  I understand you want to appear and feel younger, but I need you to pause for a moment and consider the possibility you might be going too far.  Too much exercise can cause an injury, and too much plastic surgery can look weird.  Here’s a photo of a friend of mine from high school – don’t you think she’s gone too far?”

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I also think you should have a very serious talk with your wife about what is going on with her and how she is feeling about the aging process.  She may benefit with some time on the couch by herself or with you as well.  I am only 44 but I can tell you that this aging thing is already becoming a major issue in my life.

Between night sweats, weight gain, wrinkles (thanks, Obama!) and random pain in my body – today my hip feels like Miley Cyrus took her sledgehammer to it – aging fucking sucks.  I wrote about this previously so take a look: Sunday Rant: Aging Sucks.

It’s difficult and confusing and sometimes it is staggering when you realize that you have more time behind you than you do ahead and that your body is betraying you.  Along with aging of the body can come a negative shift in attitude, and it is wonderful that both you and your wife lead a physical, social and loving life rather than one of withdrawal and inactivity.

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Count your blessings and talk to your wife about what she is doing.  Most important, find out why.  The other thing you mentioned is that your stepdaughter recently announced she is trying to get pregnant.  Between Lucky’s nubile hot piece of ass and your wife’s impending status as a grandmother, I think some of this may be more externally driven than internal (fueled by insecurity and self-doubt).  Help her through this and listen to what she has to say, and I would bet she will lay off the plastic surgery.

If she doesn’t, I suggest doing a Tonya Harding on her surgeon.  Email me and I’ll send you some names.

-Robin

This Post Has 3 Comments

  1. Suki

    Ponytail eye!!!!

  2. Debbie

    Robin, please do tell us more about your morning poop. You left us hanging!

  3. Mike DesCamp

    Hey Robin,
    Just saw your website for the first time and laughed my ass off. Well, actually Jackie and I both laughed our asses off, as the whole botox/plastic surgery issue is one with which we are very familiar. Loved your approach. Some aspects of aging really suck.
    Uncle Mike

Comments are closed.