Wedding from Hell

Dear Robin:

My daughter is getting married in June and I just need to vent to someone – I’m not sure I really need advice. She announced her engagement about a year ago and ever since then, I have been treated like an ATM by both my daughter and my wife. I am expected to pay for everything associated with this wedding: the dress, the tuxedos, the reception, the rehearsal dinner, the bachelorette parties, EVERYTHING.

Last night my wife informed me that I would also be expected to pay for the honeymoon as a “wedding gift,” and they are planning on three weeks in Europe.

My wife does not work, nor does my daughter, and neither my daughter’s fiancé nor his family have offered to help with any of the costs. His family is very well off, by the way.

I have the money so I am not sure why I am becoming so resentful, but I am. Each request is becoming more emotionally burdensome and I honestly just want to tell them all to go to hell!

OK, I feel a little better now. By the way – your blog is hilarious! When will we hear you on the radio in Cleveland?

Mike

Dear Mike:

You, my dear man, are the most whipped man I have ever encountered in my life. I want so badly to feel sorry for you, but you are living in an upside-down world of buggery almost entirely of your own making.

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What the fuck, man? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?

Here’s the thing about your marriage to a princess-mentality woman: you created another little monster bitch and that bitch is your daughter. Sorry, I know that is really harsh, but because you let your wife get away with mooching off you for all these years and treating you in your words like an “ATM,” you have given the world another future permanent alimony recipient, along with your wife should you ever wise up and dump her lazy ass.

You and I had a lengthy text exchange so in case my readers are thinking I’m jumping to conclusions, I’m not.

Readers, behold Mike’s life:

1. He is a CFO at a large corporation in Cleveland and has worked 50+ hour weeks for over 25 years.
2. His wife asked him to put her through law school, but she never took the bar exam and announced her “retirement” after he foolishly fertilized one of her lazy, entitlement-minded eggs. Retirement? From what, exactly?
3. This is his only child and she is going straight from graduating college to becoming a “house wife and mother,” according to her.
4. Her fiancé seems rather befuddled by the whole idea of having kids right away but he is too scared to suggest she develop a career because Mike’s daughter has a bit of a temper, as does her mother. He is also graduating from medical school this year so he thinks he will be able to support her.
5. Mike is very unhappily married and is currently considering having an affair with someone at work.  His wife has refused intimacy for seven years, unless you count how much he’s getting fucked in the wallet.

Mike, please get your ass on an airplane and fly out to Portland so I can slap the shit out of you. I’m not just angry that you have sliced off your balls and given them to your wife and daughter to squeeze at will, I am also angry that you have spawned and honed another horrid woman who will emasculate and take advantage of her husband – a seemingly hapless fellow whose balls have already been delivered in a nice Tiffany box with a bow to your daughter.

There is SO MUCH wrong here that it is hard to know where to start.

Sigh. Here we go:

1. You are burying your resentment and anger and eventually, that shit is going to have to come out. Like a big fat pimple, your silent seething will someday squirt all over the mirror that is your life, and the question is: how?  Will you have a heart attack? Drink yourself to death? Drive your car into a tree on purpose? Or, my personal favorite, strangle your wife?

Get your ass to a professional counselor STAT and start talking about how you are going to channel your anger and change your life.

2. Change your life. I asked you why you are still married and you said you are reluctant to divorce for financial reasons. You also shared with me your net worth, and if you weren’t exaggerating I can safely say you will be fine. Yes, you will pay shit tons of alimony, but that’s your fault for not insisting your wife work once your one and only child was in school.

The alimony problem is only going to get worse the longer you stay married, so get your shit together and divorce this woman. Wait until after the wedding, though. We wouldn’t want to ruin the little Princess’ Big Day.

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I suggest you get a lawyer now and start making plans for The Great Escape.

3. Fuck the girl at work. Why not? Your life is already pretty screwed – why not just add in a potential sexual harassment charge and job loss?

In all seriousness, I really don’t recommend sleeping with your friend at work, especially since you out-rank her and you are still married. If you really like her that much, one of you should leave the company. As the CFO, you are a member of senior management, which means that even if she doesn’t report directly to you there is a strong appearance of impropriety if you start banging this particular help.  You need another problem like I need another pair of boots.

Boots…mmmmmm…mommy need all of these…

4. STOP BEHAVING LIKE AN ATM. This one is pretty simple, don’t you think? You get the treatment from people that you allow, so don’t complain that you are being financially raped when you are flashing your sexy money wad all over the place. Lay down some ground rules and stick with them. Here, I’ll do the heavy lifting for you…copy and paste this into an email to your wife, daughter and the Ball-less Wonder fiancé:

Dear Assholes:

I apologize for not finding my voice earlier, but my wife has it hidden with my nut sack somewhere in her Mercedes. I am uncomfortable with the financial expectations you all have of me concerning the wedding, and I am hereby establishing what I will and will not pay for.

I will pay for:

The reception. You have thoughtfully narrowed the invitation list to 375 people (readers, this is true), none of whom are my friends. There is a woman from work I would like to add to the list by the way, so I suppose we are up to 376.  My Advice Goddess Robin tells me I can expect the bill to come to around $50,000, given your menu choices of filet mignot and Alaskan salmon, along with the band you selected which charges $10,000 for the night.

You’re welcome.

I am agreeing to pay for this monstrosity of a wedding because I did not make my wishes known earlier, and now too many things are in motion for me to set realistic limits. While I am angry that you have all been treating me as if I shit cash every morning after I drink my cup of gold bullion, the truth is I do not. I am more angry at myself, however, because I have let you treat me this way for years. Today, it stops.

I will not pay for:

Anything else.

To my daughter’s future ex-husband:

I suggest you hit up your family if you’d like more financial assistance with this shit show. However, I suggest you think about this: if you can’f afford a tremendously extravagant wedding, perhaps you shouldn’t have one. In addition, you cannot support a pampered brat on a new doctor’s salary. My apologies for creating the brat, but since you are marrying her she’s your problem now.

Darling daughter, I’d like you to know I changed my will so that $50,000 that would have gone to you upon my death will now be donated in your name to Ohio Alimony Reform. Don’t expect to inherit anything because I plan to start living my life to its fullest, starting today, and that’s going to take some serious money.

Wife, if you object to the limits I have set regarding my financial contribution to the wedding, I suggest you get off your fat ass and get yourself a job. And stop referring to my contributions as being made by ‘your father and I.’ You have contributed nothing except the fostering of ridiculous expectations.

Love you all, see you at the wedding!

Dad

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It makes me sick to see people spend so much money on a wedding. Most bridezillas are so obsessed with out-doing their sorority sisters that they totally lose sight of what is really important: the marriage, not the wedding.

I should be fair and note you told me your daughter is actually a lot nicer and more thoughtful than her mom. I’m going to have to take your word for it, but if that is true I suggest having a very long and difficult conversation with her about the person she is becoming. It’s not too late for her to turn things around and become a partner to her future husband, rather than a barnacle.

And a partner to you, too, because you are going to need her love and support when you take your flight of freedom. I hope it’s not too late for her.

Mike, you sound like a really nice guy who has been treated pretty shitty over the years, but you need to own your part in that and start living your life with your berries fully intact. You know why divorce is expensive? Because it’s worth it.

Please write back and tell me how things are going. As to when I will be on the radio in Cleveland, I’m working on it! Be patient, soon the Lovely Advice Goddess will be everywhere.

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This Post Has 6 Comments

  1. Tamsen

    OK Robin, this one ranks up there with your very best! I couldn’t agree more.

  2. Debbie

    Brilliant, my dear! Brilliant!

  3. Echinachea

    Simultaneously funny and wise. Between Bridezilla and Mom-of-bridezilla, he’ll be broke before he knows it. Let’s hope Ohio isn’t a community property state, though outrageous alimony could be worse than 50/50. Weddings have gone insane.

  4. Melinda DesCamp

    I wonder if everyone who got married had to pay for it themselves how many would make it to the church? Just like paying for your own education makes you a better student, would paying for your wedding make you a better spouse?

  5. The Yetti

    What Melinda said. And Robin said. All the non-barnacle women hope you find your balls.

  6. Alisa WHITING

    Where are these guys? I need to find one. Incredibly selfish women seem to find (and ruin) the good guys.

Comments are closed.