Update from London

Sept. 12, 2014

London, England

According to multiple sources, an American named Robin DesCamp has been jailed in the Tower of London and is not likely to be freed for some time. Three of those sources directly witnessed what are now being called “the DesCamp Incidents” in the London Times and other news outlets.

“It was the oddest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Mrs. Edna Higgenbottom, 67. “She plopped right down into the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain and had a wee! Before anyone could stop her, she ran in the direction of Royal Albert Hall. It was horrifying!”

Mr. Basil Snodgrass, 44, gave a similarly shocking account of what transpired at the Albert Memorial.

“She was yelling at the memorial, ‘What the hell is a prince consort, anyhow?'” said Mr. Snodgrass, “and demanding an explanation from a member of the royal family as to whether Albert had intercourse with Queen Victoria, or as she put it, “were they friends with benefits or what?'”

Ms. DesCamp then began an attempt to scale the fence around Royal Albert Hall, but gave up that effort when someone in the now-gathering crowd pointed out that the gate was open and she was welcome to walk in.

She apparently found such instruction insulting, as evidenced by her bellowing, “you’d all be speaking German if it weren’t for us!” She then bolted away shouting “tally-ho! I’m off to raise hell in Trafalgar Square!”

By the time Ms. DesCamp arrived in the West End, the terror alert in London had been raised from “high” to “super-duper high,” and Londoners were seen quivering in their Wellies as anxiety and fear seized the historic city.

“Why on earth anyone would want to run naked through Saville Row is beyond me,” said Ms. Fiona Portia Cambridge, 23. “I saw her with my very own two eyes, running in and out of the most expensive and exclusive shops with nary a stitch! It was revolting and most improper!”

Making her way to Regent Street, Ms. DesCamp was seen stopping and sobbing while gazing in several store windows, including Jimmy Choo, Louis Vuitton and Badgley Mischka. Some witnesses recall hearing her moan, “not fair, it’s just not fair!” while others claim she was silent as she wept.

Her rampage of inappropriateness ended at approximately 3:00 PM when Scotland Yard, Interpol and the Horse Guard all joined forced to apprehend her. As she was being loaded into the paddy wagon, she demanded to see a lawyer and asked if Prince Harry might like to go for a drink (Prince Harry had no comment for this story).

“While it is true we haven’t imprisoned anyone in the Tower since the Kray twins in 1952, we felt that this outrage deserved a strong and swift response,” said chief police officer Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe. “She will be held until she is deemed fit for trial, which may take some years.”

When asked why she was not simply being sent back to the United States, Sir Hogan-Howe replied that the Prime Minister and the Queen had both been on the phone with President Obama, but he was refusing her re-entry to the US.

“She’s their problem now,” Obama was quoted as saying. “That will show them what happens when they don’t fall into line with my foreign policy decisions.”

Ms. DesCamp’s husband was apparently traveling with her but fled the country on horseback, despite his fear of horses.

“Mr. Patience and Understanding, my ass!” he was heard to say. “I’m done!”

Details will be published as they become available. Counseling is being offered to any London residents who interacted with the suspect during the DesCamp incidents, and those victims are also welcome to submit proposals to the memorial that will be created in their honor.

“We do like our memorials,” noted Mrs. Higgenbottom. “I think it’s a right nice idea.”