I am 27 years old independent woman. I am from Russia, but I have been living alone in US for the last 5 years. I got married in city hall 3 weeks ago to the person whom I love 5 months after meeting.
My husband (42) is a business owner and right now his financial situation is not the best. He can not support me at all, it makes me even more sad knowing that he used to buy expensive gifts and clothes for all his exes, but nothing for me. It makes me feel less important or less beautiful than others.
He gets mad when I tell him about that. We fight a lot because of his financial situation.
The second thing is that he is afraid to tell his parents about us because he thinks they will not accept me. I met his parents and family a couple times, but it felt like they didn’t take me serious. It felt like “oh, just one of his play girls.”
Third is that our sexual life is getting worse, he became cold and sex is not as great and often as before. I am even thinking just to meet someone else and get sex.
Please help me, I am almost running away from him.
How did you find my column? I was pretty certain this letter was a joke given that my overall theme tends to be “personal responsibility.” I don’t think that’s a theme with which you are overly-familiar.
After emailing with you a bit I’m not 100% convinced you are real but I’m leaning that way given some specifics you provided. Congratulations for earning a spot in my blog; I do believe it’s the most work you’ve done in your lifetime.
You have several problems here, each of your own making. That’s the bad news.
The good news is within us exists not only the ability to fuck up our lives in a major way (kudos, you have done this well!) but also the ability to repair our broken selves, grow, and learn how to live a better life. Let’s give it a shot!
First, a list of your misconceptions:
- You are not an “independent woman.” You have no job and expect your husband to support you. Strike 1.
- You may be legally married, but you aren’t in a marriage. If your husband won’t tell his family you married 3 weeks ago, he is either experiencing severe regret (and frankly, I’m not surprised) or he is ashamed of you. Probably both. Perhaps he is worried his parents will see you as a shameless, aggressive money-grubbing woman more concerned with gifts and cash than her husband’s failing business. Strike 2.
- You don’t love this man. You have known him for only 5 months, been married only 3 weeks, and are already considering spreading your Beluga caviar on someone else’s toast point. Strike 3; you’re out. Please proceed to the dugout while I examine your situation and hold you accountable for your poor choices.
I emailed you and learned you have been living off your savings since moving to the U.S. and now your husband wants to use some of your money to keep your household afloat. You aren’t OK with that even though you want him to support you, making you the world’s best personification of greed, hypocrisy and self-centeredness.
Lora, you are the quintessential gold digger but you are also very unique because you are so straightforward about it. The gold diggers I know manipulate (usually older) wealthy men into loving them via a series of stealthy machinations that rival Putin’s foreign policy.
Not you! You put it out there on the table for your husband and have told him you resent his challenging financial situation not because he may lose the business he created from scratch but because you aren’t getting your fill of Yurman bracelets and Prada shoes. I almost admire your blatant cynicism and honesty: you are the unicorn of gold diggers!
Your concepts of love, partnership, equality, and fidelity are mercenary and cynical. If I were your husband I would divorce you immediately and seek therapy to understand why I married an unrepentant opportunist who clearly was after my cash and not my heart.
As for your sex problems, I guarantee that your husband isn’t fucking you because he has reached the terrible conclusion I have: you married him for money, not love. Discovering your marriage is built upon a foundation of lies and greed isn’t exactly hard-core boner fodder.
I don’t know how you got into this country but now that you’ve managed to lure this man into marriage and are probably working on a little Anchor Baby you’re likely here to stay long after your inevitable divorce.
I’ll give you advice I don’t think you will heed but I hope you do: grow up. That hand you have thrust out to the world, demanding all you think you deserve? Pull it back and use it to get an education, a job, a career, and a real life.
Stop looking for someone to take care of you and learn how to take care of yourself. You will never be happy in a loveless marriage regardless of how many pretty presents your husband can afford to buy you because when you marry for money, you earn every penny.