Two-fer Tuesday: Threesome Etiquette PLUS What Should I do with My Wedding Ring?

Dear Robin:

Oh wise one, I have been living on the edge…of my seat waiting for you to address the threesome question.  I will put in my context: how does a married couple ask another party to join in a threesome?  What if one is traveling abroad?  Are the Swiss or the French more agreeable to the notion?  And once accepted, what is the protocol to get things moving along?  Thanks, this will be practical advice for those of us with “joie de vivre!”

Lance

Dear Lance:

My, what an interesting name you chose for yourself.

lance

You are referring to my Facebook posting a while back which said:

Coming up later today: The 3-Way Etiquette Primer, including:
1. The polite way to ask a third party to have sex with you and your spouse;
2. Whether to serve a snack (it goes without saying that liquor is mandatory);
3. Logistics – who does what with/to whom in which order;
4. Snuggling/spooning – OK or not OK?;
5. What to do if they want to spend the night (that’s a no-no);
6. How to handle the awkward goodbye.

While this was supposed to be a joke, I am thrilled you trust me to give you advice on the politics of polyamory.  Since your wife is game for these adventures, I see no problem with your funky lifestyle.  This is not because I am not judgmental, because I totally am, but because so long as your sex life is safe and doesn’t hurt anyone (unless all participants are into that), I encourage you to continue doing what makes sense for you and your spouse.

lust

As you probably know, I promised myself and my readers I’d make an attempt at brevity in order to shorten up the blog and sharpen my writing to be more concise

Briefly:

How to invite someone to a threesome.

First, let me tell you how NOT to do it, because I was once propositioned for this activity and the experience has been burned into the recesses of my brain where my least favorite memories reside (virginity loss, the day we told Jake we were getting divorced and the Oregon Bar Exam).  Do not get extremely drunk and grabby and crassly ask the third party if they want to go to a “suck and fuck buffet where the main course is you!”

buffet

Yep.  That happened.  You’ll be shocked to hear I declined.

The answer depends largely upon context, and you aren’t responding to my emails (oh yeah, NOW you’re shy) for more information so I’ll have to craft a couple of scenarios in which I can imagine this happening:

1. You are considering propositioning a friend.  I’d be super careful with this one.  You better be damn sure she is down (tee hee!) for it because if she isn’t you could lose a friend and become the talk of the town overnight.  Assuming your friend is giving out signals she may be amenable to a multi-party sex act, you can determine her actual willingness by…wait for it… asking her!  Does this seem overly-obvious?  If so that’s because it is.  You aren’t very bright, are you?

If you’d like me to provide you with specific content for your “will you fuck me and my wife” conversation, I’ll give it a shot:

Let’s call her Sarah, because that’s a biblical name and it seems appropriate.  Invite Sarah over for dinner and make sure it’s a good one.  I recommend the Robin DesCamp rack of lamb with blood orange pan sauce – email me separately if you’d like the recipe.  I’ve mentioned this before, but nobody can deny me anything when I cook this dish.  It’s how I got my last Yurman bracelet and my pretty little dog.

photo-2

(the one on the left, obviously)

As for dialogue, I’d suggest priming the pump, ahem, with saying to your victim dinner guest:

“So, we’ve been hearing a lot about how people spice up their sex lives.  A friend of ours recently told us they had a threesome on vacation with a woman they met in a bar and it was actually a blast and ended up making them closer as a couple.  What do you think?  Do you think that’s OK or is it just too weird?”

Her answer will tell you all you need to know.  For example, if you asked me this question, you’d know that any further delving into this issue would not yield positive results, and you could save yourself the embarrassment of actually making the proposal in explicit terms.  I’d probably say something like:

“Yeah, that’s not my thing AT ALL.  Sex is complicated enough as it is without throwing in additional bodies.  That’s just 33% more people to be disappointed and more Christmas cards I have to send.  Plus, logistically it seems like a nightmare.  Who gets to orgasm first?  Is kissing allowed?  Who’s on top?  Is someone in the middle?  Do I need to stretch first?”

stretch

Gah, too much to think about.  Anyway, her response will give you some good intel on whether she wants to shag you and the wifey.  If she’s game for your sick little enterprise, she’ll let you know, probably by saying:

“Oh, I think that’s totally cool.  If I was married, I’d be having a threesome at least twice a month.  This lamb is awesome, I can’t get enough.  You’re hot, by the way.  Your wife’s hot too.   Is it getting hot in here?”

2. You are considering propositioning a stranger and you are traveling abroad.  I combined two of your questions into one because of the aforementioned brevity goal.  Unless you just so happen to run into someone you know while you are traveling, we can assume any out of town naughty activities will involve strangers.  Luckily for me, the advice for strangers is pretty much the same as #1 above: start talking, add alcohol and extreme flattery in lieu of my lamb because I doubt a kitchen and cooking supplies will be available, and suss out the sitch.

Just be sure you have a king size bed back in your room, because three people take up a lot of space and if your wife hits the floor in the sexual melee, she may change her mind about all this.  And never forget, whether it’s with someone you know or a stranger, put a lid on it.  Be safe or the only threesomes you’ll be having are with a doctor, a very long q-tip and a prescription for antibiotics.  And that’s if you’re lucky.

safe_sex

I’ve never been to France or Switzerland, but my friend Terry assures me that the people of France are much more amenable to this type of proposal than the people of Iowa.  I assume Switzerland is neutral on the issue, but they certainly could provide lovely chocolate with which you could seduce your target, an accurate watch with which you can time yourself and a white flag to drape over your nakedness when you inevitably become embarrassed that a stranger can see your twig and berries.

As for protocol for getting things moving along, I suggest removal of your pants.  That usually does the trick at my house.

-Robin

Dear Robin:

Recently I found my platinum wedding ring from my failed marriage with a woman who is now not very nice to me and has left me with a pit in my stomach when I think about the marriage we had. My inclination is to sell the ring, or have it melted town for an edgy piercing of something when I go through my second mid-life crisis. At the same time, part of me wonders whether I should preserve it for my son and pass it on. It means nothing to me but it might mean something to him. Then again, it feels odd to say, “here, kid, here’s something special from my marriage to your mother,” which subsequently failed and has resulted in a lot of animosity toward me. What to do?

-Handsome Lawyer

Dear Handsome:

You didn’t give yourself a name, but since I know you I thought I’d give you one myself to cheer you up and rid you of your tummy pit.

Cute-Puppie-Cheering-You-Up-

I am WAY over my word count goal today but I can answer this question pretty succinctly:

Do not save this ring and pass it on to your son.  This ring has some majorly bad mojo smeared all over it.  The only reason I’m not more upset about Prince William proposing to Princess Shinylocks with Diana’s ill-fated ring is because I am secretly rooting for the overthrow of the British monarchy, and a divorce between these two lovebirds would play right into that no matter how many heirs and spares she shoots out of her royal birth canal.

btmwtr_processed_152_fbc4f4026b4b2bbeaed3e5843107de18

Giving this ring to your son would be awkward and inappropriate and is also completely unnecessary.  He will want to choose his own wedding band along with his pushy and demanding Bridezilla, because the rings simply MUST complement each other.  If you are thinking of giving it to him in case he can’t afford his own wedding band when the time comes, I would counter that any young man who can’t afford a circle of metal to go around his finger has NO BUSINESS getting married, so you need to stop that shit right in its tracks.

I know you have two kids, so here’s my suggestion: take your kids to a jeweler and tell them you want them to design something for themselves.  Maybe they get smaller matching rings, or maybe she wants a pendant and he prefers a small bracelet – it doesn’t really matter.  Add some additional platinum to the mix to dilute the failed marriage stink and also because that ring isn’t going to get very far when you try to stretch it into two new pieces.  Don’t be cheap, because how much money we spend on our children is a direct reflection of how much we love them.  That’s what my kid tells me, anyway.

veruca

If none of that sounds good, throw it in the Willamette River.  Or better yet, give it to me.  Yeah, that’s the ticket, give it to me!  I’ll sell it and, um, donate the proceeds to charity.

No, really!

-Robin

This Post Has 12 Comments

  1. John DesCamp

    There once was a queer from Khartoum
    Took a lesbian up to his room
    They argued all night
    Over who had the right
    To do what, and with which, and to whom.

    1. echinachea

      You will always be the master of the naughty limerick…..

  2. A Loyal Fan

    I Love Love Love your blogs – can’t wait for the next one.

  3. CL

    “Do I need to stretch first?” Hahahahahahahahaha. I also liked the part about making sure the bed is big enough so that one person doesn’t fall off, hit the floor, and change their mind.

    1. echinachea

      Or, fall off, hit the floor, and file a lawsuit!

      1. askdescamp

        In which case she should come see me.

  4. Terry Power

    Robin, you’re a trip. Love reading your stuff……

    1. echinachea

      Tell your friends!

  5. Debbie

    I don’t see how you can have a threesome and then have a normal marriage after that.

    1. askdescamp

      Debbie, I think many of us have differing ideas of what a “normal” marriage is and for this gentleman and his wife, the occasional 3-way is exciting and fun without negative repercussions. So, this is their “normal.”

      Could I do it? No way. I am a highly territorial woman and the thought of another person touching the man I love either behind my back or right in front of me makes me sick. It’s no coincidence I ended up married to someone who feels the same way. I would rate our kinky level somewhere around 4.2, which is the same as Ethel and Fred Mertz. And for Lance, that would not be a “normal” marriage.

      Lance and his wife have been married a very long time and have weathered many storms (we chatted over email). Whatever they are doing seems to work for them, so I think it’s OK. Not for me, or for you, but for them.

      Thanks for the comment!

      1. echinachea

        But do you really know what went on behind Fred and Ethel’s closed bedroom door?

  6. lancealot8

    Ethel’s mouth is full of chocolate, so oral sex is probably out, or at least at the post episode debrief! Some think that keeping spice in a long marriage, as well as the honesty that comes with the spicy process, just makes and the relationship and sex better…….sex within pre-set “limits” (a critical point) which the wise-one did not address. And oh wise one, for the record, we only talk about it which prompted the question. Thanks for the direction–

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