The Affair (If You Care) of the Hair Down There: Should it Roam Wild and Free or Be Kept Bare with Nair?

Dear Robin:

I am a 57 year old man recently divorced and I’ve started dating again for the first time in over 32 years. I was married to an ice princess who unilaterally ended our sexual relationship after we were married only ten years. I was only in my mid-30s at the time and no amount of pleading for counseling or trying to romance this woman would make her budge on the issue of sex. Come to think of it, she really didn’t compromise on much of anything over the years, whether it was issues with the kids, spending, vacations, religion or what have you.  And her mother…I could tell you stories that would make your head spin.

I was the sole provider for the family and was never appreciated by or maybe even loved by my wife.  I waited until the kids were in college and I finally took the steps to free myself from my marriage.  I am so glad I did.

Here is my advice question, which is sort of strange.  Now that I am divorced and making up for lost time, I have a very difficult time “being” with women who do excessive hair removal in the pubic area. Honestly, several women I have gone to bed with were almost totally bald, which I found very unattractive. Now I have met someone I really like spending time with and she too has almost no hair down there.  I’d like to be exclusive with her and I know she feels the same way.

Robin, is it ever appropriate to ask a woman to go easy on the hair removal? I just don’t get that aroused when I’m trying to make love to a woman whose pubic region looks like a child’s.

Please call me “Lawrence in Long Island”

Dear Harry (sorry, you had to know I was going to go there):

First things first:

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And congratulations on all the tail you’ve been getting, because you deserve it.  Just be careful out there, because besides diseases you need to worry about getting someone knocked up, assuming you are making it with the younger gals whose eggs aren’t yet a powdery and distant memory of potential life.

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Ah, the sexless marriage. I keep hearing about this – mostly from men but from women as well. I don’t often congratulate people on the demise of their marriage, but your ex-wife sounds like an insufferable cuntsicle and you are better off without her.

I know this is politically incorrect, but in those situations in which one partner is bringing home all the bacon and the other closes down the amusement park (one of their “contributions to the marriage”) the earner should employ two strategies:

1. Take a lover; and
2. Make the unilateral decision to quit working and supporting the family. I bet the thought of having to dust off the resume and earn a buck will encourage immediate reconsideration of the untimely and unilateral decommissioning of the couple’s sex life by the party refusing intimacy.

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Goddess knows I’ve opined on this subject enough, so let’s get to the sticky (we hope!) problem before you: whether or not to suggest your gal pal join the new “natural movement.” Seriously, this is a thing now. More and more women are rejecting the pain and expense of hair removal and opting for a more earthy approach to their Snatch Patch.

This trend isn’t just aesthetic, it’s also somewhat of a protest movement by women who want to cast off societal beauty burdens and expectations, as well as a commentary on how it’s a little bit, well, weird that some men want their partners to have a hairless Boner Garage. I think they are calling it the “Occupy My Underwear” movement.

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Harry, of course it is “OK” for you to voice your preference to your gal pal. You just need to approach it in the right manner. Here are a few examples of the right and the wrong way to broach this subject.   For each example you can assume she has undressed and subjected you to the Hairless Wonderslit:

RIGHT: “Hey beautiful lady, I’d love to see what you’d look like with a little more ‘there’ there. Have you ever considered not waxing so much of your hair?”

WRONG: “I hate the appearance of your vaginal region – it’s a total turnoff. Who do you think I am, some sort of a child molester?

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RIGHT: “I am so powerfully attracted to you, but you know what would be really sexy? What if you grew this hair back – would you consider doing that? I think that would be really hot.”

WRONG: You have to have a really striking and gorgeous vagina to wear your hair that short. Yours is average – I’d suggest at least a bob, or a merkin.”

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RIGHT: “I really enjoy our physical relationship but I have to admit that seeing a woman without pubic hair makes me sort of uncomfortable because it makes you look prepubescent. Please forgive me for making this rather odd request but I’m hoping you’d consider growing it out a bit.”

WRONG: “Grow it out, now. I’m a Republican so I have full authority to make decisions for you about your vagina and its contents and/or accessories.”
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I like this movement. It’s like a return to the first Bush Administration, but without the vomiting incident and Clarence Thomas (speaking of pubes!). We tried 2 terms of the new Bush policies*, but they just led us to lose more precious SweetSpot Sweater.

Sure, we had a Muff you’d like to have a beer with: fun, young and dumb and nowhere near as serious as the earlier Bush administration. Naked with ambition but with little to show for it, our Yum Yums began to resemble something not really appropriate enough for the Ovary Office.

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Of course, the trend towards little to no pubic hair was all arranged behind the scene by Dick. Dick is always telling Bush what to do, but Bush now says:

“Enough! back to the days when Dick was Dan (and still a dick) but too silly and preoccupied by preening and spelling lessons to dictate whether or not our Hoo-Hoos are hirsute.”

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Harry, you are making a reasonable request, although some women may find it odd or inappropriate. Still, I think it is one worth making because it matters to you. What happens next will be interesting. Some women (I think a LOT of women) only go through this waxing/shaving/tweezing/chemical/laser process because they think it’s what men want. It may be a huge relief to her to find out you actually prefer her au natural.

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If she doesn’t want to cease and desist her Sexy Pre-Teen look but her good qualities outweigh your feelings on this subject, just close your eyes and imagine Marilyn Lange, Playboy Centerfold in May 1974.** After 10 years of sex with your battle-axe of an ex-wife, I daresay you are familiar with picturing someone else during The Act.

Please let me know how she responds – I’m really quite curious. And thank you for this letter, which was very interesting and different and so fun! I do believe I waxed eloquently on the subject, although I could have shaved a few sentences here and there.

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-Robin

*Little known fact: the “Bush Doctrine” actually addressed the “Cheetos or Doritos” Squeezebox topiary question, not pre-emptive war mongering.

**Google is your friend

This Post Has 5 Comments

  1. John meaney

    Crying. You just eclipsed what I had considered your funniest writing. Absolutely, honestly crying with laughter.

  2. Raftman

    Coincidence of timing – this very issue was addressed recently, I think on NPR – and they were discussing the origins of mowing the muff, as it’s a fairly recent development (last 15-20 years)….the interviewee speculated that this became the new norm with the onset of pervasive, readily accessible (i.e. online) porn – specifically porn movies….because in porn movies, mowing the muff allowed more direct viewing of the action, It became pervasive in porn then, somehow, migrated to mainstream.

    1. echinachea

      NPR? Seriously!

  3. Debbie

    This is friggin hysterical. You gave me a GREAT laugh today Robin. Cuntsicle- love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. thelmaup

    I just howled at the full moon, laughing so hard its a snort!

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