This rant is really going to piss some of you off. Sorry.
I debated for several days as to whether I’d write this up, but in the end my desire to express myself outweighed my desire to be popular. This is a consistent battle and one which may explain why I am currently languishing in the lower third of celebrity culture in America: more popular than Jon Gosselin but less admired than Brandi Glanville.
As I recovered from my radio debut and all the attendant press requests last week, I finally found a few moments to watch the local news. A featured story that evening covered an apparent flashing of male genitalia at a drive-thru coffee stand employee, complete with a photo of the offender to help the public identify him.
Unfortunately, they did not include a photo of his cock, nor did they divulge his drink choice, though I can imagine he likes his coffee “extra hotttt with extra whip cream.”
Here is a brief write-up of the incident:
KALAMA, Wash. — A man is accused of exposing himself to a barista at a Kalama, Wash. drive-thru coffee stand Monday and police released surveillance photos to help find him.
An employee of the Twin Perks Bikini Espresso stand at 1230 N. Hendrickson Dr. told police the man pulled up to the window and exposed himself to her on Monday, according to Chief Randy Gibson of the Kalama Police Department.
The suspect was described as a white man in his late 30s or early 40s, driving a red Nissan Frontier truck (pictured, left).
Anyone with information on the suspect is asked to call 360-673-2165.
“We would like to urge citizens not to attempt to apprehend or confront this person,” Gibson said. He added that the person shown in the photos has not been charged with any crimes.
Chief “Randy” Gibson – oh dear, how perfect is that? Randy advised us that we should not attempt to apprehend or confront the alleged caffeine-craving pecker flasher. Really, was that necessary? Did he imagine a posse would be assembled by the hard-core union that reps these gals (Local 69) and they would fan out across the great metropolis of Kalama, looking to apprehend this man and put a padlock on his zipper?
Not mentioned in this article is that Darcy Cardwell, the owner of “Twin Perks” (and what a clever little pun that is!), employs her daughter at this establishment. Isn’t that nice?
“Hey mom, I was thinking I should earn a few extra bucks for college! What should I do?”
“Here, honey, go put on a slutty bikini and hock some of this shit coffee to perverted men who usually have to stop by the bank for singles before they see an inkling of a tit.”
“Come to think of it, have you applied for that open dancer position at Bitches on a Pole? No? Well stop doing your homework, god damn it, and git on down there!”
My rant is twofold today but I must be brief because I am late for church, and today is my day to lead the Sunday School class.
1. Can you really be surprised when you encounter a flasher in a perve-mobile if you open a business that thrives on the blatant titillation (ha!) of male customers? I do not condone this sort of disgusting behavior unless George Clooney is doing it to me, but come on.
If you agree to work almost naked in a box on the side of the road for the sole purpose of luring pathetic and horny men to your “coffee” business, it should not shock you when some of them want to add a little extra cream to their coffee via their own version of espresso of the ding dong. You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable and unsafe position, although I would argue that the perp is too, given your proximity to scalding water.
2. If you employ your daughter in a sexually provocative and unsafe job you need to check yourself into asshole rehab. Seriously, you suck.
I could do more here, but I think my work is done for the day. Like I said, I’m late for church. See you all tomorrow and thanks for reading!