My Ex-Friend's Husband is Cheating: Should I Tell Her?

Dear Robin:

I had a nasty falling out with a friend (Blair) about two years ago, or at least it was nasty on her end, not mine.

Long story short: she was saying some really shitty things behind my back and I just ghosted her.  Since then she continues to trash talk me to anyone who will listen and has asked people not to be friends with me because she hates me.

Now I have a dilemma on my hands: I found out her husband is having an affair with a co-worker.  Ordinarily I would keep my mouth shut but I am tempted to tell her because of all the crap she has put me through.

I’m pretty sure you are going to yell at me.  Give me your best!

Seattle Sally

Dear Seattle Sally:

I seem to be writing about vengeance a lot lately.  Must be something in the air.

Also, I can’t yell at you unless you call me.  And even if you did call, I wouldn’t.

I get it.  I really do.

You asked me not to share too many details but I’ll say this: assuming everything you told me was true, this bitch deserves your wrath.  While you have kept silent on the end of your friendship, Blair has not.  Even her cheating husband “George” is making bizarre claims against you.

Man, what a pussy.  

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Since when do guys get involved with their wive’s petty spats?  I’m amazed he can cheat on Blair with his balls detached and withering in her purse.

It doesn’t surprise me in the least you are struggling with this decision, because despite her age (41) she is still stuck in a 5th grade mean-girl world in which she fancies herself the ringleader of a hyena pack.

Let’s discuss the pros and cons of ratting out George.

Pros:

  • You have the satisfaction of knowing you hurt someone who has hurt you.
  • That’s it.  I had to add a second bullet point because one bullet point is just weird.

Cons:

  • You may be the catalyst for the destruction of a family.  I don’t think you can feel good about that.
  • If you think Blair was obsessed with you before, this will up her game and simultaneously make you look like a giant asshole.
  • You will be perpetuating the feud that you can now honestly attest is one-sided but will become decidedly two-sided once you drop this bomb.
  • It won’t make you feel better.  In fact, it will make you feel worse.  Confucius wisely noted: “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” 

My smarty-pants quotes extend beyond Confucius, who is highly quotable and makes my writing even more erudite than usual.  There is also an old Latin proverb that comes to mind here:

Revenge is a confession of pain.

It’s been two years since you ghosted Blair and you say you’ve been at peace over the end of the friendship for a long time.  But are you really?

If you go down this route you will be shouting from the rooftops that you still care, you still hurt, and you are a very small person.  Why get down in the mud with this pig?  You will both get dirty, but she will love it.

Acceptable Form of Revenge: Let’s Play the Scoreboard Game

The also-quotable but not nearly as fancy-sounding Frank Sinatra once said, “The best revenge is massive success.”  

I couldn’t agree more, and I encourage you to do a scoreboard check:

SCOREBOARD!

  • You are very happily married to a wonderful guy.  She is married to a cheating douchebag of a pussy who continually inserts himself (literally and figuratively!) into women’s lives. Two points for you.
  • You just got promoted to a high-level position in your company and professionally you are at the top of your game. She hasn’t worked for over 10 years and even then never rose above fetching people coffee and making copies.  Two points for you.
  • You have a solid group of wonderful, dynamic, diverse, and intelligent people around you.  She spends time with women who thrive on gossip, cannot describe the separation of powers, and can’t define the word “erudite.”  Two points for you.
  • You have moved on from the end of the friendship (or so you say).  She has not.  Six points for you.

Scoreboard:

Sally: 12

Blair: 0

You don’t need to stoop to her level to seek revenge, Sally.  You are living an honest life filled with compassion and love and meaning.  She is not.

Enough said.

Oh wait, I almost forgot!  Like this?  Share this!  If you don’t, I’ll seek revenge against you and it won’t be pretty.

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This Post Has 5 Comments

  1. Samantha

    Excellent advice, Robin, which over the years (because I like to pick my own scabs), I have come to realize is the best course of action.

    But what I REALLY want to say is: just recently you alluded to hosting Tony Ortega and company during their book tour and promised an update on that. I’ve been awaiting your take on the Portland Miss Lovely tour with bated breath for ages.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Samantha:
      I will post about the party soon, I promise. Thanks for the reminder!

  2. Keith Stone

    Robin,

    I agree that taking the high road is the best option… the 2 douche bags deserve eachother… let them live in their “douchebaggieness,” it will fall on its on merits.

    KS

  3. Joanne

    Love your advice, love your column, but a little bone to pick: since when is it demeaning to bring coffee and make copies? A job is a job and if you do it well, well then you’re better off than a high-end executive who does nothing but sit on her/his ass and pick their nose. Just sayin…
    Sign me off as,
    “Working woman who’s holding her own, and proud of it, without the help of a cheating hubby.”

  4. Pingback: Show Me The Money, Bee-yotch | RobinDesCamp.com

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