As many of you know, Portland is in the midst of a snowstorm that began Thursday and continues today. Technically, this is the third storm in as many days, but whatever. I’m an advice goddess without a clear understanding of how weather works, although I daresay I do know which way the wind blows.
Yesterday I had plenty of opportunity to write, but I didn’t. I spent a good deal of time in the morning hiking in the neighborhood. In the afternoon I sat in the living room with Mr. Patience and Understanding and we watched, mesmerized, as the snow just kept piling up. It’s been a real trip.
So once again, Friday Feedback is happening on Saturday, and late at that. Sorry. I received two wonderful emails this week purporting to come from two different people, but which in fact came from the same IP address. So, either someone is trying to pull my leg or I have two haters in the same household. While that is certainly possible, I strongly suspect this feedback provider lives alone, probably with at least one cat.
(The following email came from sender “spencer” via yahoo mail):
God is watching you. You joke about God and Jesus and you don’t believe in God but he is watching you and you will be judged someday. Every atheist is converted on their deathbed and even though you will probably try to do the same, you will not be accepted by God into his Kingdom. Why do you hate traditional values? And why do you hate people in traditional relationships?
God bless you and save your soul.
(The following email came from “Elliot” via a gmail account)
I feel sorry for you. I know what you have done and you are not a good person. I wouldn’t be surprised if you ended up alone and miserable, you deserve it. And your writing is horrible, I don’t know who you think you are but you aren’t fit to even write on the internet.
Wow! So much anger here. In we go, diving into the pool of criticism:
Dear Spencer Elliot:
I won’t explain to you how I know you wrote me two emails under different names, because I don’t want to break your brain with science. This is not the first time I have received criticism for my lack of faith, although it always puzzles me.
You clearly are not fond of me, so wouldn’t you rather not run into me in heaven, the place where surely you are bound after you die choking alone on a pizza? Yes, you long ago taught yourself how to self-administer the Heimlich Maneuver using a chair, but I predict you will fail as miserably at that as you do at proselytizing.
I do not know what you mean by “traditional values,” but I don’t hate anyone. Well, that’s not quite true. I don’t hate anyone I don’t know.
No, that’s not really quite true either. Let’s move on to your assertion I will find religion on my deathbed. I have two thoughts on why that won’t happen:
1. I actually believe what I believe (or don’t believe) and if I’m wrong, I don’t want God to think I am a hypocritical asshole who only pretended to believe in him when it suited my purposes; and
2. Because I won’t have a deathbed. My plan is not to fritter away, destroyed by poor health. I have a feeling my end will be much more interesting and inappropriate than that. Come to think of it, I may have a deathbed after all, and my final words may invoke the name of God, but not in the way you imagine.
Now, I’m not quite sure what it is you “know” I have “done,” so I can’t address this statement without further particulars. Please provide detail so we can discuss. Your assessment of my writing is appreciated but I’m going to keep on plugging away, just the same.
You are correct that I may end up alone. In scenario #2 above, my husband’s heart attack could precede mine by exactly 10 seconds. So I won’t be alone for long!
I’m sorry you don’t enjoy my writing, but as usual when answering hate mail I have to ask the inevitable question: why are you reading my work? It must be harder to comprehend than your usual literary diet of Danielle Steele, so maybe your confusion over not understanding my writing is making you grumpy.
In any case, I wish you nothing but the best. Thank you for taking the time to write me two emails expressing your opinion. It shows you really care!
And now I must go make my split pea soup and finish drafting my book proposal, whilst watching the snow continue to fall. Thank you, readers, for checking in! Don’t forget to read tomorrow – the Sunday Rant will be EPIC!