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Robin Tries to Report a Death Threat Against a Judge; Apathy Ensues (Part I)

Dear Readers:

About two weeks ago, I received an email from someone who is clearly severely mentally ill.

Oh shit, I think I just made a diagnosis.  Before my favorite readers send a complaint to the Oregon Medical Board I’ll rephrase:

This guy has issues.

Weird email is nothing new for me, and I had received several messages from this person before.  I started deleting them as they arrived in my email inbox, because they were frightening, paranoid, and had really bad grammar.

I’m not sure why, but on this day I actually read the message.  On this day, my email friend threatened to kill a circuit court judge in Eugene, Oregon, along with his entire family. I knew I had to act, so into action I jumped!

What happened next was so simultaneously comical and disturbing that I took careful notes, knowing that this incident would be blog-worthy.  What is the point of experiencing anything, after all, if you don’t blog about it?

After redlining the death-threats email for spelling and grammatical errors, I called the main office of the Oregon State Police (OSP), because I’m a real do-gooder smarty-pants.  Here’s how that went:

Robin:

Hi, I’d like to report an email I just received from someone in which they made a specific threat to murder a Lane County judge and his entire family.

OSP:

You need to call the OSP office in Lane County.

Robin:

Don’t you even want to ask me about the details?

OSP:

No.

Robin:

Can you connect me?  This is kind of urgent, don’t you think?

OSP:

No.  Here’s the number.

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Robin:

Okay, then!  You’ve been very helpful – you really earned your PERS today!

OSP:

*click*  

Robin:

Hello?  Hello?  Are you there?  Did you hang up on me?

(Robin realizes that’s a very stupid question, dials EOSP: Eugene Oregon State Police)

Robin:

Hi, I’d like to report a threat against a judge and his family.

EOSP:

What kind of threat?

Robin:

That would be Murder, He Wrote!

EOSP:

That’s not good…

Robin:

No shit, Holmes.  So who should I talk to in your office?

EOSP:

Hmm…let me think.  OK, you need to call the Eugene Police Department and ask for a detective.

Robin:

Seriously?  This is the second call I’ve made.  Aren’t you even going to ask me the judge’s name and like, give him a heads up that someone wants today to be the last this judge ever enjoys banging again?  His gavel, I mean…don’t take that the wrong way.

EOSP:

This is a Eugene PD issue.  Call them.

Robin:

Okay…can you connect me?

EOSP:

No.  Here’s the number.

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I then dialed Eugene PD (EPD) and made my selection from the numeric choices, which unbelievably did not include “advice blogger, divorce consultant, and all-around Bad Bitch calling to report a troubled person’s threat to kill a judge and his family.”

(Robin selects #6, a.k.a. “all other matters”)

EPD:

(recording)

All lines are busy, please hold.

Roughly 5 minutes later and without even the common courtesy of Gloria Estefan hold music:

EPD:

Eugene Police Department, how can I help you?

Robin:

I need to speak with a detective, please!

EPD:

What is this regarding?

Robin:

I got an email from some guy this morning and he said he is going to murder a Eugene judge and everyone in the judge’s family!  I checked out his Facebook page while I was on hold with your incredibly efficient murder-reporting non-hold-music-having telephone system…he’s a bad dude, dude.  I’m really worried about the judge and his family!

EPD:

(operator yawns)

OK, I’ll take some information from you and then I’ll have a detective return your call later today.

Robin:

What?  Shouldn’t you just connect me?  Oregon State Police told me to call you guys and ask for a detective.  Isn’t this urgent enough to connect me now?

EPD:

It doesn’t work that way.

Robin:

OK, but I assume before you ask me your questions you are going to like, put me on hold and let someone in your police department know so they can alert the judge and his family, right?

EPD:

What’s your name?

Robin:

Hello?  Is this thing on?  Don’t you want to do that first?

EPD:

We don’t work that way.  What’s your name?

Robin:

Robin DesCamp.  My name is Robin DesCamp.  And there’s a million things I haven’t done, but just you wait, just you wait…

EPD:

Huh?

Robin:

Oh my God, do you live under a rock?  “Hamilton!”  I’m totally obsessed.

EPD:

Huh?

Robin:

Never mind.  What else do you need from me?

EPD:

Can you hold on a second?

(at this point I think I can hear my EPD friend arguing with someone about their lunch order and whether Golden State would eventually win the playoffs)

Robin:

What, no hold music?

EPD:

What’s that?

Robin:

Never mind.

EPD:

Can I get your address, please?

Robin:

You know, as a cisgender woman I really do not like to publicize my address.

EPD:

What?

Robin:

Never mind.

This went on for a long time, but now, darling readers, my right hand and wrist are barking at me like Archie on a bender.  Don’t worry, this story will be continued.

Don’t forget, my Divorce by Design Consulting business is up and running!  See the link below and share it with wild abandon!  

I have been very successful working with couples and individuals to facilitate their family issues and I work on a sliding-scale flat-fee basis.  Email me at robin@robindescamp.com for details.

Divorce by Design Consulting Services

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