Up until a few days ago, I was a very happy only child. My parents treated me like the princess that I am and we had a very nice life. Now everything is ruined, and here’s why:
They decided (without consulting me!) to adopt another child: a younger brother whom I never asked for nor wanted. He has been here for three days, and I am seriously considering killing this little asshole.
First of all, and PLEASE do not take this the wrong way, he is multi-racial. I don’t want to seem elitist, but I am of pure blood. Though I was not born naturally to my parents with whom I live, my birth parents are highly regarded members of their class – a class this little bastard knows nothing about.
He was abandoned by his birth parents, and apparently spent some time homeless before he was finally taken in by an orphanage. While I feel bad his personal history is quite sad, I don’t see why I should have to share my home and my parents with him. He has also gotten very close to my parent’s natural-born child, whom I love but tend to ignore since I am somewhat of a mama’s girl.
He has no manners and has done some really stupid shit since he got here, including jumping out of a car, running away and pooping on the front hallway rug – one of my mom’s favorite Persians! Also, his name is “Archie.” Archie! What the hell kind of ridiculous name is that?
What can I do to either convince my parents to send him back or arrange a convenient “accident” which rids me of his obnoxious presence in my home?
Thank you for your letter. I am impressed by your writing skills, and I assume you are an amazing creature indeed if you have figured out how to use a computer given your anatomy.
First of all, you should commend your parents for doing what they’ve done: taken an orphan from an unhappy place and given him a home. I’m especially proud of your mom for this, because I’ve heard she can be somewhat of a snob. This should be obvious to you since bringing you home involved a significant investment which has only been repaid via jealous looks from other (far inferior) dog owners. She sounds wonderful – please give her my number so I can take her to lunch or buy her a glass of wine if she’s into that. Be sure to print this and give it her today:
Change is hard, especially when it involves sacrifice. How you handle this new addition to your family will say much about you, so heed my words:
You, my darling, are not a princess. There is no such thing as a princess in this country, pageant participators’ protestations notwithstanding. I don’t even believe in the concept in countries which have a royal family, but I’ll save that for a Sunday Rant.
Your choices in this scenario are not as you have listed them to me. You will not be able to convince this family to rid themselves of your new brother, and despite your impressive typing skills I doubt you could pull off a murder and get away with it.
Trust me, I’ve tried.
You love your family and you know they love you too. Therefore, you have but one choice: accept Archie as your brother and get on with your life. Treat him as you would want to be treated if you were abandoned and needed to find another family. Stop thinking about how this negatively impacts you and start considering how having a younger sibling can add positives to your life. For example:
1. You can blame him when you have a party if your parents are stupid enough to go out of town and leave the two of you unsupervised;
(“It wasn’t me!”)
2. You can tell them the pack of smokes they found under the deck are his, not yours. I mean really, who are they going to believe: their perfect daughter whom they have known for years, or this little gang-banger hot off the streets of Kalamath Falls?
3. If you both crap similar piles, you no longer have to hold it in when your family is gone. Since you haven’t had an accident since you were a puppy they will obviously think it was Archie who dropped a load in the living room. This is often referred to in animal law as the “TODDI Defense,” which stands for “The Other Dog Did It.” Works like a stinky brown charm every time.
I probably don’t need to tell you that another species, a sinister and malevolent one, invented the Shit Blame Game.
4. He might have some cute friends for you to hook up with.
You didn’t even acknowledge that your parents’ natural child is your brother, so I can see that you haven’t been as loving towards him as you have to the mother you constantly attach yourself to. Be happy for this child that there is now a dog in the family (and I hate to break it to you: you are a DOG, not a person) who has bonded with your brother and brought him happiness.
Stop being so selfish and teach Archie how to be a valuable and loved member of the family. Underneath the contempt in your letter is another emotion – one which is much more destructive – and that is fear. Fear of being displaced, forgotten, unloved and possibly abandoned.
That’s how Archie has lived his entire life. Put yourself in his paws and open your heart to loving him. If that just isn’t possible, I’ll show you where your parents keep the antifreeze in the garage. What you do with it and how you live with yourself afterward is up to you.