My Friend is Acting Like a Slut

Dear Robin:

I have been friends with “Kim” for decades and I am worried about her.  She recently had an affair with a very married man with kids and bragged about it to many of her friends.  Not surprisingly, the word got out (this is a small town) and afterward she and the man involved went to extreme lengths to convince everyone it was a false rumor.  It wasn’t.

Because she talked somewhat openly about having sex with the married man, her boyfriend found out about the affair and kicked her out of his house, but then she got back together ex-boyfriend while she was still seeing and bragging about the married guy.  Now she isn’t speaking to the woman who she thinks ratted her out, but the fact is that everyone knew and was talking about this situation.

I’ve been friends with her for a long time but I am sick and tired of watching her behave this way.  She has a horrible reputation and I don’t think she has any idea how she is perceived in town.  I read your blog the other day about the gold digger at the club and that phrase “fucked every wallet” made me laugh out loud because it sounded exactly like her.

Should I tell her I don’t want to socialize with her until she gets her head together and starts acting like a decent person?  I am divorced (my husband had an affair and left me for the other woman) and I cherish my time with my friends, but now I feel uneasy around her.

Meredith

Dear Meredith:

I am a bit behind on several projects today.  Therefore, I will be brief.

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Look, I have not lead a perfect life and I am not typically one who enjoys slut-shaming.  However, Kim seems intent on living a life of dishonor and betrayal despite the ramifications it may have for others.  In essence, she is wasting the precious time we have on earth in a perpetual cycle of whorish behavior and a refusal to grow.

That’s just unforgivable.  As much as I’d like to unleash a string of nasty words about this gal, I can’t muster the energy or the time.  She sounds like an empty vessel – a ghost ship caught in a never-ending riptide of malignant and despicable behavior.

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You mentioned your husband had an affair.  I’m guessing you are sensitive to the subject of infidelity not only for general morality reasons but also because of your husband’s affair and the subsequent implosion of your marriage.

Your personal history with women who sleep with married men is that they are destructive and selfish, not to mention too damn lazy and/or stupid to find a partner of their own.  So why would you subject yourself to this type of person?

Honestly, all this sounds like Peyton Place on steroids.  Are there any actual grownups in this scenario?  This sounds like high school level bullshit.

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She’s running around town crowing about this guy she’s blowing and when she gets busted she starts pointing fingers at her friends?  She sounds like a real winner with a strong sense of personal responsibility.

You said you are worried about her but you also told me when I emailed you that you have brought up this subject a couple of times and she shuts you down each time.  You’ve done your best, now walk away.

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If you believe she has good qualities deep down inside and is just going through a weird crisis which involves acting like the neighborhood bicycle, I advise you slowly step back and make yourself unavailable until you think she is making some big changes in her life.

But I must say, my email talk with you indicated that this is a person with whom you have spent a great deal of time only since your divorce, and that when you were both married you didn’t see her all that much.  Now that her life is in some degree of turmoil, she seeks you out much more often than she used to, and you happen to be lonely.

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Being single can be many things, but it can certainly be lonely.  While some people are more adept at living with solitude, others (most especially me) are not.  I think you are more like me and you need people and activities to fill your time.  That’s great!  But filling your time with women like Kim?  Not so great.

My suggestion to you is you make a list of the qualities you find most important in a friend.  My list looks something like this: loyalty, kindness, generosity of spirit, intelligence, honesty, supportiveness, a stunning sense of humor, a similar value system, a strong inclination towards reciprocity and a comprehensive liquor cabinet and music collection, not to mention a love of shoes.

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Does that mean I have always surrounded myself with people who have these qualities?  No.  But as we get older and realize that there is more time behind us than ahead, it behooves us to consider the attributes of those with whom we share ourselves and our limited time.

You sound like a good person, Meredith.  If you don’t have enough good friends in your life, make some more!  Join some activities at your health club and put more time into those people who personify what a friend truly means to you.

Finally, I think you should consider dating again.  It has been 4 years since your divorce and frankly, you aren’t getting any younger.

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You said you want to find another life partner, so get on that project.  I highly recommend Match.com, although you may have to wade through a few machete weilding child molesters to find the man of your dreams.

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I don’t know your friend but she doesn’t sound like a high-quality person.  Should you have a come-to-Robin conversation with her about why you are distancing yourself?  I’ll leave that one up to you, though it sounds like a waste of time to me since you have already tried to do just that on two different occasions.

If you do decide to go there, explain that your marriage’s termination via infidelity strongly impacts your ability to stomach listening to her brag about fucking a married man.  Also, it’s super tacky.

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But don’t expect much from the conversation.  Sometimes, we just cannot hear what we already know.  Maybe she will come around (although it sounds like she’s doing enough of that already!), straighten up and fly right.

Until then, make new friends, including the bodily fluid swapping kind, and put more time into those friends who don’t make you squirm with their blatant and brazen home wrecking attempts.  That shit needs to be kept on the down-low, yo.

-Robin

 

This Post Has 5 Comments

  1. ali whiting

    Well. If Meredith doesn’t have many friends, how does she know who’s talking about what? Better yet, why would these people discuss it with her if she’s a known close acquaintance? I don’t think i like either of these women. The blog, on the other hand, was amusing. Thanks for brightening up my dreary Monday, Advice Goddess!

  2. echinachea

    Dear Advice Goddess,

    Thos is not in response to anything in particular, but you seem to be a woman of style and consumer savvy. Please advise as to your preferred choice of mascara. I may not be a spring chicken but still care about the feathers. Money is no object, not that I am rich, just foolish and somewhat frantic after trying a zillion brands without much success. Thank you in advance, gorgeous one!

    1. askdescamp

      I like MAC mascara but I agree that Chanel is great too. My main recommendation is latisse or the generic version you can find at places like Blush Beauty bar. Eyelash growth enhancers are the bomb!

      1. echinachea

        Thank you both! I was using a fabulous enhancer called LiLash, but it was pulled from the market–infringed on the Latisse patent. Maybe I can find a new doc and get some of the real thing. Meanwhile, will try MAC and Chanel!

  3. Caprice

    Chanel Mascara is the bomb!

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