Meeting Men in My 50’s: What the Hell?

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Dear Robin:

Love your blog!  My sister turned me onto it and after hearing me complain about the same problem for the umpteenth time she told me to write to you so here goes!

I was divorced last year and it all went smoothly.  After taking some time to re-order my priorities and life I am ready to date – single and ready to mingle so they say!  I take great care of myself, I am in my mid-50’s and damn if I don’t think I look pretty good.  I have a good job, loads of wonderful friends and two grown kids but I am missing having a special man in my life.

My problem is that when I look around and try to be flirtatious in restaurants, bars or parties, I don’t get the response I used to.  Not even close, Robin.  I know I’m not a 25-year-old knockout anymore but for God’s sakes, I’m far from elderly.  Any thoughts on how to meet men and get their attention despite my advanced age? LOL

Don’t tell me to do a dating site because my sister already tried and all I can say is NO WAY!

-MILF

Dear GMILF:

Sorry I changed your name, but you told me in our text exchange that your daughter is pregnant with her first child so I felt compelled to correct the record.  That’s OK, because GMILFs are the new thing!

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I had to laugh when I read your letter because I truly understand exactly what you are talking about.  While I have never been one of those ladies that caused men to crane their necks to get a peek before I left the room (usually in a huff born from lack of attention, of course), I do remember a period of time for roughly 23 days many years ago when I got some attention from the opposite sex.

Alas, this period was brief, as I aged past my mid-30s and became an unwanted reminder of mortality to most men.  That’s OK, because I met Mr. Patience and Understanding soon after my slide into middle-age female oblivion, so being ignored (unless I was at The Nest* in Palm Springs, in which case I was quite popular!) didn’t bother me much.

Still, once in a while I’ll notice that in a room filled with men and women of all ages, the men both young and old tend to focus on the younger women, leaving the rest of us to feel rather invisible.

It’s a good thing I’m not single anymore, because lately I feel like Casper with a handbag and I don’t think it’s because my personality is offensive.  You have to get to know me for at least a few minutes before realizing how awful I am, so I attribute my invisibility to age.  Or maybe I smell funny?  Hold on, let me check…

…no, I’m fine.

Oh lordy, I’ve gone and forgotten about you!  Sorry.

I think your approach is wrong, because you told me when we chatted that you spend a lot of time in trendy bars and restaurants frequented by a younger crowd.  Unless you are a certified Cougar looking for a kitten, you won’t do well to peddle your wares at places like those.

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I’m going to scold you for a moment, because I am getting really fed up with single people, usually women, who lament their lack of dates and yet who somehow find online dating beneath them.

I know we all would prefer to have a “meet cute,” bumping into a handsome gentleman in the produce aisle puzzling over which melon is ripe and to whom we would lob a pithy and sexually suggestive comment such as:

“You better not squeeze any more of those cantaloupes – you are starting to look like a lonely single man!”  Follow up with a wink if you know how to do that.  I do not.

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The reality is that in this day and age, especially for us older folks, meeting people can be tough.  You told me you work a good deal and you don’t really know people with single friends, so getting “set up” by your buddies hasn’t been happening much.

I think that sites like Match.com** and Ourtime.com are great solutions for people looking to fall in love.  If you aren’t familiar with Ourtime.com, it’s basically Match.com for the Super-Olds and requires a shorter subscription period because duh: actuarial tables.

While I know there used to be a stigma attached to looking for love via wi-fi, I believe that negative connotation was eradicated on the date I announced that it was Match.com that brought me and Mr. Patience and Understanding together. I’m a very influential person and kind of a big deal, in case you didn’t already know.

“By golly!” the collective single world exclaimed, “if online dating is good enough for Robin and Mr. P.U., it is surely good enough for me!”

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I can’t give you advice on how to get attention from men in a bar crowded with ladies who have yet to fail the Pencil Test.  Since men can make babies well into their sunset years, they are genetically predisposed to seek out fertile young things who have yet to drop their final egg.  Trying to compete with these toddlers in heels is a fruitless endeavor.

What I can do is tell you that online dating is a viable alternative you should explore. You have an audience that tells you from the get-go what their dating preferences are, including age.  You will be better off seeking men whom you know are still hot to trot for those fine mares who have been put out to pasture, so to speak.

If you insist on avoiding this route, pay attention to the demographics of your favorite hunting grounds and spend your time at establishments that don’t cater to young people.  In other words, go to expensive places.

In addition, ask your friends if they know anyone who knows anyone who knows anyone who is your age and looking to date a woman your age.  You may think your friends aren’t a good resource, but if you dig a little deeper you will probably find that they can help you out.

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If you really want to be mercenary about it, go ahead and ask if they know anyone who is unhappily married or whose wife has a terminal disease.  Nothing wrong with being proactive, I always say!

You are a lovely, attractive, successful and independent woman.  Give yourself a break and be patient.  Mr. Right is out there!  Unfortunately, he’s dating your daughter’s best friend, but he’ll come around in time.

-Robin

* The Nest is a restaurant in Palm Springs with a bar that is as hopping as any I’ve ever seen.  The only difference between The Nest bar and other popular spots around the world is that the average age of The Nest’s patrons is 109.  I had men knocking each other down with their walkers and canes trying to get a little piece of your Advice Goddess.

**No, I have no financial holdings in Match.com, nor do I receive advertising dollars from them.  I’d like to change that.

 

 

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. YouCanLeadAHorticulture

    Start taking vacations to Palm Springs and the other cities in the Coachella Valley. Just like Robin says about going to the Nest, you will be considered a young sprite.

  2. Nixie

    Not into online dating? Try the old fashioned way of meeting a partner….dancing. I know of at least 10 couples in my dancing circle of friends that met their spouse or significant other on the dance floor.

    But I don’t know how to dance. Excuses, excuses will not get you out of the house and into someone’s arms.

    Try Contra! You can learn everything you need to know in the 30 minute lesson before most contra dances. Take a look at one of the largest contra dances of the year – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fARKzM8hmw8

    Not your cup of tea? Try Ballroom! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ANQXZqNBRc It may involve a few lessons, but it’s worth it!

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