London Update, Part III
Sept. 15, 2014
Londoners’ relief turned to anxious fear as news surfaced this morning that American Robin DesCamp has escaped the Tower of London. The terror alert was raised from “Super-Duper High” to “We’re Jolly Well Screwed” as sightings of the unstable yet oddly charming blogger were reported from Hyde Park to Liverpool.
The Queen has been removed to Balmoral for her safety and to oversee the referendum vote next week. She released a statement reading:
“Our national nightmare has begun yet again. I urge all Londoners to remain calm and stay in their homes until this menace is returned to the Tower. I have ordered the execution of the guard responsible for her escape.”
When threatened with the rack, DesCamp proclaimed, “In the words of our finest president, ‘bring it on!’ Will it make me taller and thinner?”
Prince Harry had no comment, but was last seen boarding a helicopter bound for Paris.
Paris Update, Part Un
Two anonymous sources confirm that American Robin DesCamp crossed the border from England into France on Sunday. “Vive le France, bitches!” she was reported to say as she popped champagne corks on the Left Bank and smoked in a sidewalk cafe.
Although Prime Minister Brown had warned President Hollande that DesCamp was in France, Hollande was not concerned.
“She’s just like us!”he proclaimed, while smoking an electronic cigarette and drinking white wine. “We love her!”
Good news for Paris: DesCamp was last seen on a train for Provence with Mr. Patience and Understanding, who was on a very tight leash. More updates as information becomes available.