Internet Porn is Ruining my Marriage

Dear Robin:
My husband and I have been married for almost 16 years and we have four kids ranging in age from 5 to 14. I would describe our marriage as good. We get along, we make each other laugh, we have the same parenting style and financially everything is going well. If you asked my friends, I think all of them would tell you I have “the perfect marriage.”

I don’t have the perfect marriage, but does anyone? LOL

After our 2nd child was born, my sex drive took a major dive. After the 4th came along, I’d describe it as non-existent. My husband complains all the time that I don’t want to have sex, but part of the reason is because I am really bothered by what I see as his Internet porn addiction.

Robin, I can’t tell you how many times I have walked in on him and caught him looking at pornography on the computer. I’m sick of it and it’s pretty hard to get excited about sex with my husband when I know he has been looking at young trashy porn stars and their perfect bodies before he gets into bed with me. I also think this porn is demeaning to women, and as a feminist, it really bothers me from a political perspective.

How do I get my husband to give up this nasty habit? I’m afraid this could wreck our marriage some day.

Not Frisky in Florida

Dear Not Frisky:
As I mentioned earlier today, I get a lot of emails from men complaining about their wive’s diminished sex drive. Yours adds the wrinkle of Internet porn. Great subject, thanks for writing!

As you know, we had a nice chat on email earlier this week and I’d like to share with the readers some of the other things you mentioned.  You said that on average, you assent (your word, not mine) to sex roughly once every 6-8 weeks.

Wait, that sentence read funny.

You assent to sex on average once every 6-8 weeks.  Unless I got it right the first time, which is a little bit TMI and probably not germane to the discussion.

frosty

You also shared that your husband is very unhappy with this aspect of your marriage, and who can blame him?  It’s bad enough that you rarely do the deed, but when you do, your attitude sounds like one of capitulation.  I’ve got to think that isn’t much of a turn-on for your husband.  Of course, I could be giving your husband and men in general WAY too much credit.

You told me you were willing to work on the issue until your husband started his online activities, at which point you lost all interest in improving the situation.  I’d be very, very careful with this approach, which is another way of saying “bad idea, sister.”  Marital stalemates rarely yield good results, and once you stop having sex altogether (I predict this will happen in about one year) you’ve got a very real problem.

slippery slope

You also shared your concern about some weight you have gained and that you feel both unattractive in general and especially so when you compare yourself to the women your husband is viewing on line.  Do not underestimate how much your flagging self-esteem can influence your desire to have Nookie with your husband.

UGH!  So much to dissect and I am trying to write shorter posts.  I’ll use the AskDesCamp Problem Analysis Numbered Breakdown Method™ to speed things along.

1. I don’t think your husband is “addicted” to porn, but the fact that his hobby is affecting your marriage is certainly a problem.  He needs to dial it back.

2. As discussed in another blog on the subject, a troubled sex life can be devastating to a marriage, most often because if one partner is constantly seeking affection and being rejected, there is a good chance they will seek that life force outside the marriage.Ask DesCamp: Sex and Politics

3. You have four kids.  FOUR!  You have a lot going on.  Have you considered giving a couple away?

4. Weight gain (you said 15-20 pounds) has you feeling insecure and not at all sexy.  Oh honey, I can relate.  I have gained and lost the same 12 pounds so many times that my stretch marks have stretch marks.  Every time my pants start to get a little snug, the last thing I want to do is rip them off in passion.

wonderwoman

While you may be happier if you tackle that problem and get to a weight at which you are more comfortable, it sounds like your husband still finds you attractive and wants to bang you, so yay, husband!

5. Boo husband!  Looking at naked ladies once in a while is no big deal.  Doing it every night when you know it bothers your wife?  That’s pretty shitty.

6. I’m not buying that political bullshit, so don’t don’t try to sell it here.  I find the traditional concept of marriage in which women are bound to the home to care for the children and do little else much more demeaning and confining than pornography.

porn

Look, you’ve got a multi-faceted problem with your husband that may require an investment in marital counseling.  It sounds to me as if neither one of you is really listening to the other.  He says he wants more sex (translation: love, validation and appreciation) and you say no.  You say you want him to quit the porn (translation: love, respect, and acknowledgment of your feelings) and he says no.

My advice for you until you can find the right counselor is to hammer out a compromise.  You will agree to more Sexy Time with your husband, but he has to agree to do his part to get you in the mood, which does NOT involve  looking at naked skinny skanky bitches on the Internet, but which may very well involve a David Yurman bracelet.

yurman

The official name of this baby is “Cable Coil Cuff with Diamonds,” but I call it the Panty Dropper.  Tom, are you reading today?  Love you!

Stop fighting about sex and starting talking about it instead.  I get so many letters from couples who argue about lovemaking.  What a horrible thing to fight about!  I am all for a good knock-down drag-out fight because one of you REFUSES TO PUT THEIR DISHES IN THE FREAKIN’ DISHWASHER (you know who you are), but when it comes to conflict surrounding sex, arguing would seem to be the worst thing to do.

Make a date with your husband.  Get the kids out of the house for the entire night.  Yes, I know that’s not easy, but do it.  Make him his favorite dinner and TALK.  Tell him how your weight gain has affected your desire and how much it hurts you that he spends so much time in a fantasy world.  By the way, I have the world’s most amazing rack of lamb recipe.  Email me if you’d like it.  Anytime I need anything from my husband, this does the trick.

lamb

(Margot photobombs again)

Be prepared to hear about his unhappiness too, and don’t argue with each other.  Just give each other room to talk and to listen.  I know you really love each other and I don’t think it’s too late to get your Sexy Mojo back, but it will take some time and effort from both of you.

Then screw.  Screw like bunnies!  Maybe it won’t be mind-blowing, but it can be the first step towards a renewed sexual relationship and that is indeed something to celebrate.  Please don’t forget to write me again and let me know how things are going.

-Robin

PS: Here’s a little treat to get YOU in the mood…

cllonester

This Post Has 6 Comments

  1. Stuart M. Kurtz

    OK look….stop being so damn right Robin. I’m tired of getting good, solid advice for free. I won’t read this anymore until you get a TV show on a widely noticed cable channel with sponsors like “As Seen on TV” and low level brands of beer. And of course ED solution commercials. Of course.

  2. echinachea

    I thought I asked you nicely to leave George alone because he is my fantasy! Ok–just kidding. Re internet porn, interesting subject and funny how them internets have messed with everything that is sacred in the world. Meanwhile, I will quit bitching about my husband playing so much computer Free Cell. Relatively harmless pastime, I guess.

  3. Tyler

    I highly doubt talking about this issue will lead to problem solving and increased arousal from Not Frisky. Not Frisky needs to get medical help to fix the lack of sex drive. Even if the internet porn is dropped she will most likely still not want to fuck on a regular basis. Perhaps if her man would at least be more discreet it would help out. Why should she care if he is whacking it to young bitches on the internet as long as he takes it out on her? She should also gain some self confidence in the realization that even though she has put on a few and her porn guzzling man enjoys perving on the skinny sluts that he is still willing to take out his sexual needs on Not Friskys chubby unaroused frump. Guys have needs. Face it, he either gets laid from his wife, masturbates or looks outside the relationship to fulfill those needs. She should be grateful her issue with him is porn not adultery….yet.

    1. CL

      Men who talk about how to “fix” women and say the “b” word… you sound like quite the catch.

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  5. Keith Stone

    Robin,

    This is an interesting topic. Thank you for sharing.

    Men and Women are wired differently… almost at a subconscious level. We like to see boobies and stuff.
    has it reached the stage where the lights turned off and there is so much animosity she doesn’t put forth any effort to arouse him? Has he made efforts to make her feel loved and appreciated? Much work on the table after a marriage that long…

    KS

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