Dear Robin…. I think my boyfriend may be in a “bearding” relationship with me…. the sex was great in the beginning (9 months ago) but now it is once every 4 months. Turns out the guy friend he has been consoling after a nasty divorce is gay… I discovered this at a dinner party that he invited us to. My boyfriend really didn’t want me to go since I was having strange premonitions about their relationship. I insisted on going and came to the conclusion his friend is gay along with many of his friends he invited to the dinner party. I have no problem with one’s sexual preference… but, I fear my premonitions that my boyfriend is gay are true. There are other things too: he walks on his tippy toes, and he is a lot like Felix Ungar (super neat freak) and I found some texts on his phone with his friend that seemed very intense and almost romantic.
I do not want to hurt him, I love him and want to remain friends. My young son has also grown very attached to him and we are living together as a family. However, I feel somewhat hurt and resentful. What if I am wrong? But something isn’t right. What should I do?
While I appreciate the name you chose for yourself, I am going to give you a new name. I hope it doesn’t hurt your feelings or anything, but this is my blog and I get to make these editorial decisions. From this point on I will address you as Kelly and your boyfriend as John, for reasons which are probably obvious but I’ll just come right out and illustrate anyway because some of my readers aren’t up on their pop culture (I’m looking at you, Dad):
Doesn’t that kiss look oh-so-natural?
I’d say the first thing you need to do is find out if your boyfriend is indeed gay. To do this, you will need a copy of this:
And one of these:
This is a penile plethysmograph. It measures sexual response to stimuli. Hook John up, show him the magazine and see if you get a response. If you cannot locate a gay magazine (which is doubtful, since I know you live in Miami) just rent a Judy Garland film instead.
Shit, that’s too complicated. I actually think much of the evidence presented is alarming but not necessarily damning. I don’t know exactly what you mean by “he walks on his tippy toes,” but I have to tell you the visual your description presented was entertaining and brought back memories of my childhood. I don’t, however, think tiptoe walking is a gay thing. I don’t even think it’s a thing.
In addition , being a neat freak doesn’t mean anything either – just ask my ex-husband. If John is obsessive about cleanliness there may be an OCD issue or he may be highly controlling, but I don’t think insisting on a tidy home equates to secret cock-in-mouth time when Kelly isn’t around.
The two major red flags as I see them are the texts with his “friend,” and your Sahara Sex Life™. Let’s talk sex first.
While math has never been my strong suit, I am clever enough to know that your intimacy level fell dramatically very early in the relationship, also known as the “Velcro Stage” or the “I Drink a Lot of Cranberry Juice for Recurring Bladder Infections Period.”
I’m not going to mince words like I usually do: the rate at which you are kicking boots is not normal. You said the sex was great in the beginning, but that now it is every four months. In order to have determined you are fucking every four months, you have measured the time between coitus. Best case scenario, we could assume you had sex with him last week but that was the first time since four months prior. I don’t believe you are following the rules of statistics by drawing the every-four-months conclusion without a longer observation period, but it’s your sex life so I’m going to let you do the math.
Damn you, now you are making me do math, which I hate. But my calculations indicate that (again, best case scenario) it was only five months into your relationship that the sex essentially stopped. This isn’t a red flag, this is far worse.
As you know, I contacted you to get a little more information about your situation. I know from our email exchange both you and John are in good health and in your 40s, far too young to have lost your bedroom Mojo. You clearly still have the drive but he does not. That’s not good, especially given how little time you have been together. Women reach their sexual peak in their 40s and you do NOT want to miss out on the peak. It’s AWESOME.
Less than a year into it, you guys should still be hot for each other. It’s only going to get worse over time, although I can’t imagine how much worse it could get for you guys. Once per decade? Every 15 years? When the Trailblazers win the NBA Championship, or worse yet, when the Huskies win the Rose Bowl?
Now let’s look at the other major issue causing you concern: his gay friend, the time they are spending together and the inappropriate texting. During our email exchange, you specified the nature of the texts, describing the messages as urgent pleadings to get together, lots of “I miss you” and “I need you” messages, and you also told me that recently he has been coming home very late with flimsy excuses.
That’s not OK.
Here is my summary of your situation and my advice to you:
You moved WAY too fast in this relationship and you and your son now share a home with a man you don’t really know, regardless of whether he likes guys in his poop chute. The intimacy level you and John share is almost at zero and this is unacceptable to you. You express a desire to “remain friends,” which indicates you are already two steps out the door.
Kelly, does it really mater if John is gay? I know that would explain some things such as his lack of interest in sex with you and how much he loves Nordstrom, but I also know it would be upsetting. I imagine you feel misled and stupid, not to mention logistically screwed because you live together.
Is he gay? Maybe. Maybe he is bisexual. Maybe he is straight but shares a very close friendship with this gay man, and that’s OK. What isn’t OK is how you feel about where the two of you are. Gay or straight, this isn’t working. I’d recommend a split, at least for a while, and d
uring your time alone you should examine why you
moved so far so fast, so that you don’t do it again. There’s a little one to consider, and you don’t want to lead him through a lifetime of emotional whiplash.
Your divorce was a tough one; you told me that when we chatted. It sounds like one of the worst I’ve known, and believe me, I’ve known the intimate details of many. I think you were so desperate to create a normal and loving home for yourself and your son that you leapt like a hungry and protective lioness at the first opportunity; not taking the time to discover whether the lioness (you) liked the meat (John) or whether the meat (John) preferred to be devoured by a lion rather than a lioness.
That may have been the worst analogy in the history of writing. Take note.
Take a step back, Kelly. Even if you have to go it alone for a good long while, it’s better than settling for a man who can’t give you what you need.