I Think her Husband is a Pervert

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Dear Robin:
I have been struggling on whether to confront a very good friend about something she has shared with me about her husband. Here is a little history to give you the background:
We have been very good friends since grade school. She has been through a lot with me, boyfriend breakup, divorce, finicial issues, girl issues, you name it. She is probably one of the funniest, most direct and caring person i know.
She tells it how it is. When you get her out with just the girls, she is so much fun and crazy! She loves to flirt with the boys but stays clean(depending who you ask). She is married with two kids. Stay at home mom, and terrific one at that. Helps me when i need help with kids. She is the one friend that will call me out on my shit and tell what she thinks. We might not agree but at the end of the day we are still great friends.
I tend to date the same old douchebag, and she constantly tells me to stop dating these assholes as i deserve so much more.  She is straightforward and direct, which i love about her. She is with most of her friends, which we like but it tends to get old. Makes it seem like her marriage and life is how we should live by. Not.
A few years back, she had told me that she was on thier home computer one night and lo and behold she caught her husband looking at porn, not just your basic porn, but porn with young girls. Let me interject a little about her husband. He works ALL the time, usually not home till dinner or after dinner. He is in the finicial side of the business and holds a pretty big job, hence why she stays home and takes care of the kids and all the house duties. During tax time he tends to work extremly late.  They dont have sex a lot, becuase he is stressed out a lot.
Back to the catching of porn, not sure the age, but i was told they were young girls so thinking 12 or around there. Regardless of age, its still bad (in my opinion). So she confronted him and of course he was embarrassed and did not want to talk about it and said it will never happen again. Right….i think there has been a few more porn internet visits on their computer but it was pushed under the carpet.
When she first told me about this, i was shocked but it kind of did not surprise me. He is kind of creepy to me. So as the years go on, you dont hear much but you know he did not just stop cold. During these years, there was one point she talked about leaving him, but she relies on him to support the family and i dont think she has the confidence to be on her own. I told her to take a look at me, if i can do it anyone can.
A few weeks ago she was over having dinner and after a few glasses of wine she tell me that she needs to tell me something and to please not judge her husband or think he is a bad guy. (Oh, right!) She begins to tell me that she picked up his phone to get something and accidendtly hit the photo app and up popped a video of a women he works with, she reports to him. It was a video of a recent work trip he took with her and he is videoing her ass and tits(this women has no idea he is doing this). She is a bigger women (he likes thicker women and does not want his wife to be thin). So she finds this video and was totally taken off guard. She said she just deleted the video and did not say a word to him. Acted like nothing happened. To this day still never said anything to him, but its clear he knows she saw it. He now does not leave his phone sitting around as much.
So she tells me this and all i can think is never be around her husband when he has his phone in hand. Never leave my kids in a room with him. She goes on to say that things are soo good in their marriage right now, she does not want to “ruin” anything. My response to her was “holy crap” do you know that he could lose his job and his family for this. He is putting you and your children in jeopardy AGAIN. She does not think he is having an affair, but who knows. Wonder why he stays late at the office all the time?!?!
I told her that i hope she knows this is not right and totally wrong. I also said that if she does not confront him and figure out why he is doing this and he needs to get help, she will come across another porn scene on the computer, or naughty stuff on his phone, and it will be worse. She knows this but does not want to deal with it.
On another side note, i am noticing that she never leaves her 6 year old daughter home with him. Had a girls night the other night at my house and she had to bring her daughter because either he would not take her or is she scared of what might happen with or to her?!?!
So my question to you is do I voice my concerns again to her or just ignore it and wait till the next go around? I feel like the last time i saw her something was up, she was not herself and so this is why i am contemplating saying something to her. She has no problem telling me my faults so maybe its my turn to voice my concerns to her.
What would you do?
-Grossed Out
Dear Grossed out:
This is hands down the most troublesome question I have received since I began this blog.  Thank you for writing, and I will do my best to answer your question.  I’m going to try to be brief and direct, as I am sick today and need to get back to bed.
What would I do?  Well, under Oregon law I am a mandatory reporter, which means if I have a reasonable basis to believe that a child is at risk of abuse, I have to report it to the authorities or risk losing my law license.  The real question here is: what should YOU do.  Let’s examine what we know from your friend:
1. He was caught viewing underage pornography.  I spoke with someone in the know about these things, and this is what we call a BIG FUCKING RED FLAG WAVING IN YOUR FACE AND EVEN KNOCKING YOU OVER.
redflag
2. He refused to talk about it, which means he has done nothing to address a very serious and dangerous problem.
3. It may be continuing (I was a little unclear on this).
4. They don’t have much sex, which isn’t surprising because as a grown-up, she may not be his type.  That means she gets the
pedo
5. She is worried enough that she is snooping through his phone (you don’t buy that “photo app just popped up” story she fed you, do you?).
6. She found evidence he is taping the ass and boobs of a co-worker, seemingly without her knowledge and consent.
7. That’s gross and weird and could not only get him fired but make it impossible for him to ever find another decent job again.
8. He doesn’t want his wife to lose weight.  This may be because as you note, he prefers his women on the larger side.  However, perhaps he wants his wife to be overweight so she will feel like her options are limited.  Just a thought…
9. Her determination to remain a pampered bitch may outweigh her moral obligation to keep not only her children safe but other children and women as well.  She may sift through his phone from time to time but she doesn’t seem all that interested in knowing what he is up to or doing anything about it when she discovers he is up to no good.
Buried head
10. She is delusional.  She claims the marriage is going “so well” right now?  Um, no, it isn’t.
11. She doesn’t leave her young daughter alone with her husband, which you think (and I agree) may indicate she does not trust him with his own daughter.  She may simply be afraid he is a poor caretaker, but if she is concerned he may abuse their daughter she has a moral and legal obligation to get that man away from his children until he gets help.
If this was my friend, I’d tell her she needs to do the following things:
1. Hire a forensic computer expert (I know a guy if you need a name) to analyze all the activity on the home computer.  If he is still accessing illegal material he is likely doing it at home, although I would bet he is using another computer or tablet at the office that she and his employer may not be aware of.
2. If the results of the analysis are that he is still viewing child pornography, she needs to ask him to leave the home and enter into treatment.  If he will not do that, she needs to leave and take her children with her.  She should immediately get a lawyer and figure out her rights and obligations as they pertain to this mess.
That’s what I would do.  If you take that approach, you need to be prepared for her to reject any and all suggestions about this matter.  I don’t know her, but I think I know her type.  She probably grew up with a vision in her head of what her Perfect Princess Life was going to look like: a lovely home, a successful husband, a couple of kids and ladies’ lunches and tennis on Thursdays.  You are basically suggesting to her that she light the fire that could burn her own house down.
If you really think her husband is a pervert and that she is protecting him to protect her own cushy lifestyle, you are friends with a woman who has no moral compass whatsoever.  In that case, use the AskDesCamp.com DitchthatBitch™ move, which consists of telling her she is a selfish, greedy lazy whackadoodle who would put her desire not to get a job ahead of the safety of children, including her own.  Who we spend time with says much about who we are and who we want to be, so ask yourself: can you live with this?  I couldn’t.
There is another possibility you mentioned, and that is he may be having affairs.  If that is the case and his wife looks the other way because she is too precious to get a job, that’s her prerogative.  But in being a good friend to her, you might point out that the ones who cheat constantly usually end up leaving anyway.  It may be harder to deal with a divorce ten years down the road than it would be today.
Please write me back and let me know what happens.  I’d really like to hear more from you.
-Robin

This Post Has 5 Comments

  1. jimmy

    Why are we ASSUMING it was underage porn?!? She said youg girls not kids. The chances of him having kid porn on his computer is extremely unlikely. Plus, almost all major sites are labeled “barely legal” or “barely 18” ect. To jump to a conclusion about this or about his own daughter is horribly inappropriate and down right irresponsible. There’s no doubt the video of the co worker is smarmy but even that is a one sided assumption. This entire story could be one person’s fantasy and a hardworking father and husbands reputation could be destroyed. Just saying………

    1. askdescamp

      Good points, Jimmy. I do not advocate jumping to any conclusions until she has more information, which is why I suggested the computer analysis. Young girls could be 18, but the letter writer thought they might have been far younger. Clearly she needs more information from her friend, and her friend needs more information from her husband.

      Tough situation all around.

  2. CL

    Wow- very tough situation all around. Out of curiosity, approximately how much would it cost to hire a forensic computer analyst? And is this something that could be completed in the course of an afternoon while her husband is at work??

  3. wantstoremainunknown

    I second the question, also can it be done remotely, or does it have to be done in person? Feel really bad for those kids!

  4. anonymous woman

    It’s not clear how long she’s been out of the workforce, or what her career was when she quit. I know that the job I was doing 12 years ago no longer exists in the US, and even if it did, I don’t think anyone would look at my resume — the technology has changed too much. (I’ve continued to work, but in jobs that changed with the times.) If the best she can do is “Do you want fries with that?”, how will she pay the bills for a place for her and her kids to live, and a divorce lawyer?
    Does she have any concrete evidence that her husband is a child molester? Without that, how’s she going to get full custody?
    This can easily turn into the kids spending part of their time with mom, and the rest with dad — all alone. Staying put to keep him from unsupervised time with the girls is a nightmare, but is it the least bad nightmare?

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