I have been dating a guy for about 4 months. We haven’t had a talk about being monogamous but I am not seeing anyone else. I’m totally in love with this guy and I would marry him tomorrow if he asked. Let’s hope he does! 🙂
Last week I did something really bad and I can’t tell anyone else about it but I need some advice. I love your blog by the way! OK, here goes: I spent the night at his house and he had to leave early the next morning for work (I am still finishing college btw, I’m on the 6 year plan LOL!) and I snooped around his apartment.
I guessed his email password because I know him so well that I knew it would be the name of his dog, he loves that dog sooooo much. It’s actually his parents’ dog but whatever. So I looked through his email and some old letters I found in his desk and I’m really upset. First of all, he is still talking to his ex-girlfriend and I’m not comfortable with that. Second of all, he is dating other people! I guess I just assumed he wasn’t because we spend so much time together.
I want to confront him but if I do, he will know what I did! HELP!
Frazzled in Ft. Worth
Oh, honey. You poor, sweet dear. Mommy is going to help you. Not your mommy, because I’m guessing she won’t be too useful here. Me. I am mommy today.
Here are the major points you identified in your letter:
1. You would marry him tomorrow if he asked, but you have only known him 4 months;
2. You still haven’t finished college and are probably around 23 years old.
3. You love my blog. This indicates that despite my first impression of you based upon your letter, you are intelligent and worthy of being saved from yourself by the Lovely Advice Goddess;*
4. You violated this guy’s privacy and the law in a major way;
5. You actually want to “confront” him about being in touch with his ex and seeing other people, when you yourself admit you are not in a mutually monogamous relationship.
It’s a bit difficult to answer your question, because you didn’t really ask me one. You stated you want to confront him about the other women in his life but you are worried he will know you have snooped if you initiate that conversation. You asked for HELP so I’m going to do my best to give it to you, despite the lack of specificity in your letter.
Once again I will do the AskDesCamp Advice by Numbers thang because it helps me focus my thoughts and write more quickly. Today’s blog needs to be short as I am preparing a presentation for a local radio station. Yay me, it’s all about me, yada yada yada.
1. If you want this man to dump you immediately, I suggest you “confront” him about having relationships with other women and confess that you hacked his email and snooped around his place. I am all for honesty almost all of the time, but what you did was majorly shitty AND illegal. If you can’t commit right this moment to never doing such a thing again, you are not mature enough to be in a relationship at all. I’m not going to lecture you, because when I was your age we ladies did this shit on the regular.
But didn’t you feel awful while you were snooping? Did you experience that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, not just because you were afraid of what you would find, but because you knew how fundamentally WRONG what you were doing was?
So knock it off and imagine how you would feel if he did the same to you.
2. What you should do instead is tell him that you would like to be in a committed and monogamous relationship with him, and see what happens. If he tells you he isn’t seeing anyone else but you have evidence to the contrary, I guess you have a trust issue. Then again, your evidence was obtained illegally, so you two might be a perfect match.
3. You are WAY too young to consider getting married, especially to someone whom you have known for less time than it takes to cure a wart. Get your degree and make a life for yourself before you start planning a life with someone else. This is 2014, damn it, you have CHOICES. Go exercise them.
4. If your dude isn’t ready to commit to housing his weiner mobile in only your garage, I’d take some time for major introspection about how you ended up in such a lopsided relationship. Honestly, you would do well to examine why you would agree to spend the rest of your life with someone who clearly isn’t serious about you yet. I’m guessing you aren’t paying attention at all to the signals he is sending you.
Don’t take this the wrong way – he may be really into you and already considering narrowing down his snatch batch to yours alone. Maybe he is waiting for you to initiate that conversation but given your proclivity towards, well, enthusiasm about this guy, I kind of doubt it. He probably knows you are ready to take the next step. But clearly it’s time for you to have this talk and make a decision about whether you can abide being in an open relationship if he isn’t ready to stop seeing other women.
5. Finally, you have no right to dictate to this guy whether or not he can be friends with his ex, or any other woman for that matter. Some of my best friends are those men with whom I have had relationships, be they brief or long. It takes a certain type of partner to be OK with that, and I suggest you be that type because otherwise you will come off as insecure and controlling.
(The philosophy I despise)
I got a strong sense of neediness from your letter, and I really encourage you to spend more time developing yourself than you are spending worrying about where you stand in this relationship. You have your whole life in front of you! Figure out what your dreams are and how to make them happen. If this is really the man for you, he will be there by your side as you grow into the woman you want to be. If not, there are plenty of others to choose from.
Don’t be so anxious to settle down. Find out who you are before you change your name, because Frazzled, I don’t think you yet have a clue.
*I have changed my name for trademark purposes. More on that in a later blog.