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How to Handle an Internet Scammer

Dear Readers:

Like you, from time to time I receive communications from strangers on the Internet who seek to glean money from me.  Apparently they are unaware I don’t have any.

Because I am terribly busy being fabulous, I usually hit the delete button and go about my day.  But once in a while…once in a while I cannot resist the temptation of interaction.

“What does this have to do with advice?” you are asking yourself.

When this conversation transpired, I was stuck at home in an ice storm for three days.  Mr. Patience and Understanding was being patient and understanding in New York, my son was with The Canary in a Coal Mine and The Pistol, and I was trapped on a hill with nobody to talk to but Archie the Horrible and Margot the Princess.

Therefore, the advice is this: should you find yourself stuck at home with little to entertain you and a desire to communicate with someone, even someone who is trying to scam you, go ahead and reply to those wacky emails.

Background:

Because everything I post on Facebook is public (I have no faith in privacy plus I’m quite the exhibitionist, in case you haven’t noticed) I usually accept friend requests when they are sent my way.  So long as a requester has a profile history and maybe a friend or two in common with me, it’s fine.

Weeks ago I accepted a friend request from a woman I’ll rename “Sally” here. Sally has over 2,000 friends and one in common with me so I didn’t hesitate.

During the ice storm, I grew tired of the debate over the armed loons here in Oregon at the Malheur National Wildlife Headquarters. After I had poured a drink, perhaps it was not my first, Sally engaged me. I live-Facebooked it by blocking her from this thread only.  Here’s how it started:

“OK folks: who’s ready to stop talking about Vanilla ISIS and watch me have a little fun with a young woman trying to play phish with me? Expand all the comments below, and for those important people I’ll be meeting with in LA: this is how rapid-fire I am, even when suffering from cabin fever.”

Apologies for all the formatting problems, by the way. 
(Conversation started Monday, January 4th)
 
Sally
Hi
Are you photographer?
 
Robin DesCamp
No.
 
Sally
I am model but amateur
(she sends a sexy photo)
 
Robin DesCamp
Please remove me from your friend list. Not interested

Sally

Ah sorry. Are you Woman?  Sorry

Robin DesCamp

Wow – you are really insulting my profile picture and any others that are all over Facebook and the World Wide Web.

I’m quite famous you know, and a big deal in Europe.

Sally
Sorry
No
No

Robin DesCamp
You’ve hurt my feelings, and I was already depressed.

Sally

Sorry
I am drunk

Robin DesCamp

I’m not drunk. Yet.
But since you can’t tell if I’m male or female I may start drinking now.

Sally
And i think you are photographer
I dont see your profile photo
Good
You are beautifull
Very very
  
Robin DesCamp
But pretty masculine, apparently.
 
Sally
No
I read your name Robin in Italy I think Robin Men name
You are very beauty and sexy body  🙂
Robin DesCamp

I’m working really hard at it. I will be filming a television pilot in a few months and we don’t allow fat women on TV in the states.

Except Oprah, because she is Oprah.

Sally

Yeah i like Opera

Are you Artist
Me too

Robin DesCamp

Well, yes. Opera has fat ladies too.  They usually sing most at the end.
Yes, I’m an artist. I am a professional “hurler des insultes.”

Sally
I study theatre

Robin DesCamp

Bravo!
Brava?

Sally
Bravo right
I am model too
But amateur

Robin DesCamp
I’m sure you will go far in this world, especially if you continue this sort of Facebook outreach!

Sally
Really?

Robin DesCamp
Well, sure! Why not? One must do all one can! For example, I recently called up a man and asked him to support my blog by giving me $150,000. He really likes my blog and he agreed immediately!

I was able to use some of the money for software updates and breast implants.

Sally
Yeah good
But i have not professional photographer
My brother take photo
He is very very amateur

Robin DesCamp
Your brother took that photo? Do you have a Duggar-type relationship with him? I hope not. You know the babies can get very messed up!!!

Sally
No
He is just my brother

Robin DesCamp
Well he clearly loves his subject. Perhaps a wee bit too much, don’t you think?

Sally
(She now sends another even sexier photo taken in the same small and cramped depressing room with garbage strewn about.  It looks like a frat house sleeping porch without the charm and tidiness)
Yeah i think
But i like it
  
Robin DesCamp
You like inappropriate attention from your brother or you like these photos? Because as a media personality, I can tell you they lack luster and are both simplistic and aesthetically inferior. Take that bedspread, for example.
 
Sally
I like be model
My brother like me or not i dont know
He help me
I have nude but we are just brother and sister

Robin DesCamp

Does he take the nude photos as well? Are you related by blood or is (please God please) at least one of you either adopted or sterile?
I am very concerned for you.

Sally

Why?
 
Robin DesCamp
Well, I don’t think you should let your brother photograph you in the nude or nearly-nude, to start with. Is this an Italian thing? Is this why so many Italian men never leave home and marry – because they are in love with their sisters?
 
Sally
(Sally sends yet another photo, this time a full-on titty shot)
I dont know
This is bad?
 
Robin DesCamp
You simply must find a legitimate studio and photographer. That bedspread! That weird beam in the wall! Those water bottles! Let’s just say Annie Leibowitz isn’t worrying about your brother stealing her day job.
What does he do for real work? Is he involved with the mafia? Because I was watching 60 Minutes last night and they ran a story on fake olive oil being peddled to the US by the mafia. Fuck those fuckers, am I right?
Yes, bad photo. Pretty girl, bad photo. Do you wear corrective lenses?
 
Sally
In Italy all photographer sex with you for money
Say free for you
And rape
But my brother just see my body and hard
 
Robin DesCamp
They rape you for money? How much do they charge to rape you? That doesn’t make any sense to me.
Your brother gets hard when he sees your body? Sally, no!
 
Sally
Maybe masturbate with my photo
 
Robin DesCamp
You mean while viewing your photo or with the actual print and/or contact sheet? That would get kind of slippery, wouldn’t it? I don’t know as I don’t have a ding-dong and I’ve never touched myself where my bathing suit covers without permission from my father. But that’s not weird, right?

 
Sally
I see my brother masturbate with my photo in PC
 
Robin DesCamp
That’s not OK. Doesn’t he have a MAC? Everyone has a MAC these days; PCs are a thing of the past.

 
Sally
Yeah have MAC
You think i am bad girl?
 
Robin DesCamp
I belong to a health club called the MAC. It’s very fancy and the letters stand for “Multnomah Athletic Club.”
We members make fun of people who call it “The MAC Club” because it’s redundant. It’s not the Multnomah Athletic Club Club!
No, I think you are a good girl who needs a time out in the corner.
 
Sally
Thanks  😛
(She now sends another sexy photo)
 
Robin DesCamp
You can send all the sexy photos you want but I don’t have lesbionic powers so they don’t do much for me.

What’s your plan for success in 2016? You know what I always say: a goal without a plan is a wish!

Sally
nooooo
I am not Lesbian
I hate it
Sorry
I dont send

Robin DesCamp
No need to apologize, but if I am to be your mentor we have to keep this on a professional level.

Sally
Why?

Robin DesCamp
Because envy is a terrible thing, and I don’t think I can help you if I am focused on how much perkier your boobs are than mine. Of course, I’ve got a few years on you.

So what is your plan for success?

 
Sally
What means Perkier?
I like be model famous in World
 
Robin DesCamp
“Perkier” means you pass the pencil test better than I. Are you familiar with the pencil test?
Sally
Yeah
Robin DesCamp
OK: what is it?
Sally
I dont know  🙂
Robin DesCamp
Why did you say you did know? Don’t lie to me, Sally. Don’t ever lie to me.
Sally
Sorry
Robin DesCamp
We need to be honest with each other. I know you live in Rome, but you aren’t really Italian, are you?
Sally
No
My father is Iranian
My mother is Georgian
But My brother born In Rome
Me no
Robin DesCamp
I suspected you may be Georgian. you are a real peach!
What does your father think of ISIS?
Sally
Isis?
Robin DesCamp
The Islamic State.
Not the Egyptian goddess and former Saturday morning show.
Unknown-2
Sally

My father not moslem
We used cocaine
smile emoticon
My father is secular

Robin DesCamp

What is “moslem?” You mean “Muslin?” Like the fabric? Whoa – you did rails with your Dad? Now that’s interesting!

Sally

Why?
This is bad i used cocaine in party with my father?
 
Robin DesCamp
Your brother photographs you nude, yankies his own wanky to your photos, and you snort blow with your dad.
Is your mother going down on you right now or is she too busy blowing your brother?
KIDDING!
 
Sally
My mother live in Toronto
 
Robin DesCamp
Well there goes that fantasy for my spank bank.
 
Sally
Divorce with my father when i had just 11 years
Robin DesCamp
Perhaps because he was riding the wintry white mix with his daughter? Or was it something else?
I have a question for you.
Sally
I dont know
Yeah ask
Robin DesCamp
Are you really who you say you are? Or am I chatting with some fat Polish man who resembles (name redacted)?
She’s a mean lady in my town
Check out her FB and Google Images pictures. Yikes!

Sally
Nooooooooooo
I am Sally
Oh my god (after viewing a photo of the mean lady in my town)
I am not Lesbian
I like cock
Hard long And big
 
Robin DesCamp
And wide, right?
I mean, a good long big cock is fine, but if it doesn’t split me open sideways I’m not coming back for seconds.
 
Robin DesCamp
Send me a photo of you giving thumbs up right now so I can be sure. I hate being tricked. It’s my number one fear, besides aging and falling down at parties.

Where did you go?

Sally
I say my brother take with mobile

Robin DesCamp
Now, right? Thumbs up! Get him in the shot for a double-selfie (but don’t let him jack off in front of you because that’s weird).

Sally
I think you are men  🙂

Robin DesCamp
“Men?” or “Mean?”

Sally
Men

Robin DesCamp
YOU THINK I AM A MAN?
OMG we went through all this. I am pouring a drink now and calling my plastic surgeon, Mark Petroff. He is very good. I’ll give him your opinion that I look like “men.”

Sally
(sends photo doing thumbs up to confirm identity, and of course, it’s sexy)
 
Robin DesCamp
Ok
Thanks.
What’s going on with your bed? Where is your fitted sheet? Is that drug paraphernalia?
You should make your bed and tidy up your room. You’ll never make it as a model if you can’t take care of yourself properly. Your mother would have told you that if she hadn’t abandoned you to snort Belushi with your dad while your brother rubs one out looking at your photo.
 
(Now I’m actually starting to worry about this young woman)
Robin DesCamp 
Are you being held captive somewhere? I’m not joking.
 
Sally
No
 
Robin DesCamp
Swear to ISIS?
Sally
I am secular
Robin DesCamp
You would tell me if you were in trouble, right?Sally
NoRobin DesCamp
No, you’re not in trouble, or no you would not tell me?

Sally

No really no

Robin DesCamp
OK, good. Now tell me, how do you plan to conquer the modeling world, besides the Facebook outreach (which, again, is spectacular!)?
A wish without a plan is a goal! Oh, wait…

Sally
I dont know

Robin DesCamp
Oh, Sally. How long have we known each other? You trust me, right?

Sally
Yes
 
Robin DesCamp
Well please start by hiring a new photographer, one who doesn’t share too much of your DNA and who won’t milk his own cow when he looks through his viewfinder.
Next: stop getting loaded with your dad on cocaine. That’s a nasty drug. Not that I would know personally, mind you.
I’m making a drink. What time is it where you are?

 
Sally
I masturbate too stop it?
 
Robin DesCamp
To stop what?  I’m confused.
 
Sally
In all day i do masturbate with dildo
I must stop it?
 
Robin DesCamp 
Well if you want to become a model, sticking a rubber penis in yourself and staying in all day to do it may reduce your callbacks. Just saying.
 
Sally
Ok
Just natural sex
 
Robin DesCamp
With people you aren’t related to, please.
 
Sally
Not my brother  🙂
 
Robin DesCamp
Good girl! Do you have a boyfriend?
 
Sally
No 
 
Robin DesCamp
Not your dad, I hope. But cocaine causes problems “down there” for men.
 
Sally
Why?
 
Robin DesCamp
Cocaine makes the flag fall to half-staff, which makes the women mourn. That’s actually why flags are flown at half-staff during a national tragedy: because the nation feels impotent. Did you know that? It’s a little-known fact but I know a lot of those!
 
Sally
But when i use cocaine be very active and sexy
 
Robin DesCamp
It is very rare for models to use cocaine!
 
Sally
I wish you be my mother  😛 
 
Robin DesCamp
Are you trying to hurt my feelings again? I’m not old enough to be your mother. Maybe your older sister in a very Catholic family.
 
Sally
🙂
Sorry
I have 25
My mother have 49
 
Robin DesCamp
That’s OK – I was kidding.
I’m 46. But I only look 45.5.
 
Sally
Good
Are you drunk?
 
Robin DesCamp
No. I rarely drink to excess.
 
Sally
(sends more terrible sexy photos shot in the saddest room on the planet and now she’s wearing an odd floppy hat)
I like this photo
I think great photo
 
Robin DesCamp
No. No. No!
Did you get a free bowl of soup when you bought that hat?
 
Sally
No
 
Robin DesCamp
Do you have a “Bed Bath and Beyond” close to where you live?
 
Sally
No
Why?
 
Robin DesCamp
Your bedroom is a little, um, outdated.
I’m thinking these photos might attract the wrong type of man. You might consider Snoopy bedding – that should turn on the men who will respond to your Facebook outreach program.
 
Sally
I told lie.
We have sex
 
Robin DesCamp
Who?
 
Sally
My brother
 
Robin DesCamp
Oh no! I hope you are on birth control!
 
Sally
Yeah sure
 
Robin DesCamp
You can’t be a successful model or anything else if you are fucking your brother. Fuck agents and photographers, sure, but not your brother.
OK???
 
Sally
I know
But he love me
 
Robin DesCamp
Well my brother loves me, but he doesn’t expect me to put out. Because again – that’s not OK!
 
Sally
Ok
He have big cock  😥 
 
Robin DesCamp
Elephants have big cocks too but you aren’t fucking them! Or are you?
 
Sally
My brother not an Elephants
 
Robin DesCamp
I think we have lost meaning in translation.
 
Sally
I know
 
Robin DesCamp
I’m sure you can find another girthy cock in Rome that didn’t come out of your mother’s womb.
I’m starting to wonder if your brother’s cock may have been inside your mother at some point post-partum.
You must be getting sleepy. Or are you riding the rails tonight with dad and brother? Meaning: doing coke.
Do you ever get outside that room for photo shoots?
I mean, Rome has two or three nice sights to see, am I right?
Or am I confusing Rome with another city? I’ve never been, but I’ve been to Vancouver, Washington. I even know the mayor!
Are you mad?
OK, I guess you aren’t my friend anymore.
Have you fallen asleep? Is your brother in your room? Or you? Should I call someone? I know the Pope. Seriously.
 
Sarah
(the next day)
Hi
Sorry
I sleep
Hangover
🙂
You are very kindly  😆 
Robin?
Hello?
Hello?
Are you angry?
 
Robin DesCamp
No! I assumed you passed out. I hope you didn’t let your brother touch you last night
 
Sally
Last night i was alone
 
Robin DesCamp
That’s good
 
Sally
Yeah
I can call you mom?
 
Robin DesCamp
(Uh-oh.  Suddenly this isn’t so funny)
Ok
 
Sally
🙂
Thanks mom
 
The rest of our messages are private.
 
Believe it or not, I have become Sally’s virtual mentor.  We message a few times per day and I encourage her to finish her degree and work on her career every day.
 
I’m not sure if she was bullshitting me regarding her brother but either way, I’m doing my best to give Sally non-financial resources and information to improve her life.
 
Sally thought she had a phishing fish on a line, and so did I.
 
But in the end it turns out we both netted something of value: for me it was the comedy and later the chance to help someone far away, and Sally gained a friend who doesn’t want anything from her but her own success.
 
And she’s still calling me Mom.
 
desc_logo
 
 
 

This Post Has One Comment

  1. Keith Stone

    Robin,

    THAT’S FUCKING FUNNY! I LOL’D A LOT!!!

    …now kindly do the needful.

    KS

Comments are closed.