His Wife Cheated

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Robin,

I have something that is really really bothering me and before I let my mouth get me in trouble, I would like your take on the matter. My fiance’s best friend and his wife Annie moved to our area a year ago, and at his request I started to spend some time with her since she has no friends here. Her hubby is a great guy and they have three sweet kids.

She gives me grief about how I spoil my fiance, calls me a “stepford wife” jokingly, and stupid stuff like that. I just let her go and listen to how she loves loves her hubby, could never even think of cheating on him and how lucky she is.  These type of people drive me insane, but for the sake of the guys and kids I tolerate it.

Ironically, Annie was just caught cheating on her husband. So when I heard this I was furious, and I so wanted to call and tell her what I think of her and what she is doing to her family and especially her kids. However, I held my rage and did not say a word out of respect to her husband.

She reached out to me via text message last week asking that I play her landlord on a phone call for a new rental (they skipped out on the house here without telling the owner). I did not respond to her messages or calls, she called her husband and complained and he told her that I was not willing to help. It is such a crummy situation and though I hate her for what she did, the reality is I will cross paths with her again in the future and I dread when that happens.

I want to call her and confront her on the lies that she told me and everyone else, someone really needs to in my opinion. I have been told by her husband that he doesn’t care what I say to her and that she needs to hear it, but am I out of line if I do?

He is back with her by the way and they moved out of town so she wouldn’t have access to this other guy who she was planning on leaving her husband for.  He also found out she has cheated on him five other times!

Should I do it or keep my mouth shut?

Thanks, Brandi

Dear Brandi:

Whew!  Your letter was action-packed and made me thankful for the very quiet and comparatively boring life I lead with Mr. Patience and Understanding, who I am SO IN LOVE WITH AND WOULD NEVER EVER CHEAT ON AND OUR LIFE IS SO PERFECT AND I’M SO HAPPY AND BOY OH BOY THE SEX AND WE ARE RICH RICH RICH AND BUYING A HOME IN PALM SPRINGS AND OOOH LOOKIE AT THIS DIAMOND BRACELET HE BOUGHT ME!

Yeah, I know those people you are talking about.  They are usually the ones to watch out for because most happy people don’t spend a lot of time trying to convince other people they are happy.  The ones living inauthentic lives are so nervous they will be found out that they put considerable effort into selling their story of joy and perfection.

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Before you go running off to tell Annie she is a lousy person and a slut besides, there are a few things you should consider:

1. For the time being at least (and I would bet every cent I have this won’t be for long) this family is trying to repair itself and stay together.  They have gone so far as to move away to save the marriage, something we call “pulling a geographic” and which never ever works, because everywhere you go, there you are.

Also, if the husband thinks distance can keep his wife’s legs together, he is naively forgetting about cars, planes, phones, computers and the very likely possibility she will find a new toy in her new town.

Therefore, you may want to temper your actions with some degree of sensitivity for the sake of the husband and children.

2. You need to ask yourself: what is your “why?”  Why are you feeling compelled to take this woman to the woodshed?  Because she tried to convince you she was happy when clearly she wasn’t?  Or because she cheated on her husband, and that angers you because you like him?

Either way, you won’t be telling her anything she hasn’t heard already from her husband and family.  I’m not convinced that you will actually get anything out of this exchange, and in fact you might start an ugly conversation that will leave you feeling even more frustrated than you do now.

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3. You mentioned you will likely have future interactions with this woman, assuming she can keep other men’s golf clubs out of her bag and save her marriage.  For that reason you may want to stand down.  I for one find it awkward and uncomfortable to run into people whom I have excoriated and summarily terminated from my life.

That’s why I stay home a lot.

Brandi, consider just ignoring Annie and perhaps she will go away.  She sounds like a real doll, between the cheating and the lying to her family and future landlords, so I applaud your desire to have nothing to do with her.  Hell, she will probably get so busy in the new town looking for non-husband boney cannelloni that she’ll forget all about you.

If she continues to contact you, a simple “after all that has gone down I’m not comfortable being your friend anymore, but I wish you and your family the best” should do the trick and get you off her speed dial list.  You can also block her number on your phone (I am an expert on this so call me if you need technical assistance) so you won’t have to field her calls and messages anymore.

If that doesn’t work, have at it: tell her what you think and that you’d sooner get a colonoscopy with a cactus-covered camera than spend another moment with her.

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Threaten to start a blog about her roundheel ways if she doesn’t leave you alone – I call this “blogmail” as opposed to “blackmail” and it generally works pretty well, although recent events have me considering doing what you want to do in a very public fashion.

Perhaps today I’ll take my own advice and let it simmer for a bit before I go off like Mount Saint Helens in 1980.

Please follow up and let me know what you decide!

-Robin