Dear Fawning Fangirls and Fanboys:
Welcome to Friday Feedback, our weekly look at how I am doing through the clear and perfect-visioned eyes of those who praise me and the bloodshot, weepy, encrusted and occluded eyes of those who do not. This week, we have a mixed bag.
Shall we proceed?
Just wanted to tell you that I am loving your blog. You are a really good writer and you make me laugh out loud…my kids keep asking me what I’m reading…so I quickly turn off my I-pad. Anyway, thanks and keep up the good work!
Seriously, this made my day and it came at a really good time because I’ve been struggling recently with self-doubt and a niggling sense of impending doom. Your note reminded me that I am accomplishing the two main goals I set out for when I started this blog: making people laugh and writing things that must be hidden from children. I don’t like children and I don’t care to entertain them.
By the way, if anyone out there thought “helping people” should have been a top goal when I started this advice blog, I suggest you don’t know me very well and you haven’t been engaging in active reading.
Shit woman, you crack me up and have helpful advice. Can I be you if/when i grow up?
No. If you grow up you most certainly can’t be me, because I am not a grownup. Some may say I have the maturity of a Charlie Sheen on his monthly crack binge.
If you choose not to grow up, you still can’t be me because then who would I be? Thanks for the major case of existential angst this morning, friend.
You’re a trip. Love reading your stuff…
Thanks so much! It’s so cool to know that I have readers all the way on the East Coast. I hope my blog keeps you warm over what I suspect may be a nasty winter. Fucking global warming. Or not, if you don’t believe in that shit and it will cause me to lose you as a reader.
And now, for the
Pièce de résistance!!!
Someone told me about your blog and out of curiosity I checked it out. Here are some things I think are great about it. You lecture people about relationships and you got divorced. You tell people how to lose weight but you are fat. You tell women to have more sex with their husbands and that is tacky. Your husband must be so ashamed of you and what you are “doing” to “earn a living.” I guess it’s better than being another sleazy attorney who is the reason people tell attorney jokes. Oh yeah, how are you making money? You aren’t, but you bitch about women who stay home. Someday your son is going to see what you did and be ashamed you are his mother. Don’t quit your day job, or did you get fired? Not the first time, I bet.
Laughing in Lake Oswego
Dear Laughing in L.O.:
I read your email with a heavy heart yesterday. Much of what you say is true. I’d like to address your comments in my traditional AskDesCamp numbering style, if you don’t mind.
1. Yes, I am divorced, but I’d like to point out that my former husband and I remain very close friends, so in my marital failure I managed to have that win, which is both rare and wonderful, especially for our son and our new spouses.
I don’t think it’s a stretch to guess that you too are divorced, but I imagine that your interactions with your ex are limited to stalking his Facebook page (loaded with photos of him and his new, hot young girlfriend playing with the dog you bought on your honeymoon) and phoning your lawyer in a frothy tizzy when your monthly
welfare alimony check is a day late.
2. Hmmm. This is a tough one but it certainly helped me identify you as a female, since that’s what chicks do. Of course, you didn’t identify yourself by your real name so I cannot do a body composition comparison between the two of us. Whether or not I carry more weight than I’d like doesn’t mean I am not qualified to give advice on shedding pounds. See, I know what to do, I just choose not to always do it. Life is more fun that way.
Also, I bet your ass is way bigger than your ex-husband’s new, hot girlfriend. That’s why you’re so mad, see?
3. I don’t believe advising women to have more sex with their husbands constitutes “tacky.” By the way, I also give this advice to men who don’t want to have sex with their wives. Well, that’s not exactly true, because I’ve yet to receive that letter from a husband. When I do, you will see that my advice is consistent. I’m disappointed you are divorced, because I’m sure that letter would have been coming from your husband any day now if he hadn’t left you.
4. Is my husband ashamed of me? I don’t think so. I’ll ask him tonight and get back to you. The thing about my husband is that he is a very supportive, loving and patient man so I do not think he is ashamed of or embarrassed by what I write. He’s just glad I am not content to sit around the house doing nothing. Instead, I sit around the house blogging, which is totally different.
I’d add that he is a smart man who knows a genius when he sees one. I’m sure he knows our financial future is exceedingly bright given my talents, and has already picked out the private golf course in the desert upon which we will build our dream home in a couple years. You, Laughing in L.O., are not invited to our housewarming party. Not even ironically invited.
5. **sigh** Another attorney hater. Look, it’s OK to hate attorneys, but only the ones who do divorce and personal injury. In-house counsel don’t inspire very many lawyer jokes. Ooh, here’s a good one! Did you hear about the General Counsel who negotiated an indemnification provision in a contract that later saved the company millions of dollars? No? Neither did I.
By the way, I’m glad you enjoy lawyer jokes so much. When you inevitably drink yourself into oblivion because you miss your dog and decide to get behind the wheel of your 1985 Bronco II, you will probably get a DUI. Since you hate lawyers so much, I suggest you call a comedian to get you out of jail.
6. Nope, I’m not making money yet. But I will, trust me. And I don’t bitch about women who stay at home. You don’t read very closely, do you? I bitch about women who stay at home for years long after the kids are in school and grown and then demand lifetime alimony when the marriage ends. That’s quite different.
7. My son loves his mommy. He has been ashamed of me before when I took him to school with a serious case of bed head, which bummed me out. Perhaps someday he will be embarrassed by this blog, my advice column in the New York Times, my Judge Robin television show and my weekly podcast with 15,000,000 listeners. If he expresses such embarrassment to me, I will take away his Xbox and Ferrari and remind him who makes the donuts.
8. I was not fired, I was laid off. From the last job, anyway. Supposedly. Well shit, now I’m all paranoid! Thanks a lot.
In closing, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to write to me. Unfortunately, you are either wildly jealous of me or too stupid to know that you should be. Either way, you have both my pity and my contempt. Good day!