Welcome to Friday Feedback, our weekly (except last week) dose of the classic combination: abuse and love. I am Rihanna, my readers are Chris Brown, and although this is a dysfunctional relationship I just can’t quit. Bruise me with your criticism then soothe me with your words of kindness, my darlings – I love the way it hurts!
I think I speak for everyone on the internet when I tell you nobody wants to see a picture of you in a bathing suit on your birthday or any other time. Gross. Shouldn’t a 45 year old woman be grown up by now? You write like a teenager – do you act like one too?
First I must say thank you: thank you for confirming what I was beginning to suspect – that everyone on the internet reads my blog. Including you!
I appreciate your thoughtful comments regarding my promise to post a photo of myself in my bathing suit on my 45th birthday, which is coming up this April 8th. That threat/promise can be viewed here: Afraid to Try Again
It’s important to note that the gesture was made in solidarity with others seeking to jump-start their New Year’s fitness plan and to keep myself in check and motivated. After all, who wants to make that promise and then either chicken out or be forced to post an unflattering photo? While I am in fairly decent shape, I must achieve a higher level of fitness by the time I become rich and famous, which I am estimating will be roughly around the 14th of March this year.
I may have a face and desire for radio but I want me a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills body, and I aim to get it despite my lack of access to cocaine and personal trainers.
As to whether I am “grown up,” I do believe I am a grown up. It’s true that from time to time I may act in a bit of an immature manner. I attribute that to my recent thrilling career change and the fact that I have a wildly exciting/somewhat disturbing sex life.
I will reach out on a limb here and guess that you cannot say the same. Has your hymen grown back yet? Why don’t you take a five minute break from the call center you work at and take a look. Let me know!
Your advice to “Depressed in Dallas” about losing weight was good, but your joke about the dinner check was tasteless and bordered on abusive. Please remember to be more tender with those who approach you for advice.
Thank you for your feedback on Afraid to Try Again. Unfortunately, I don’t think you “get” me. I use humor to engage readers, and given the lucrative 6-figure book deal I just nailed* the way I do this thing of mine seems to be working.
In addition, you have no idea how long I agonized over using that little quip or making a comment about the need for flour in bed (google if you don’t understand this reference), so I’d like some credit for my extreme exercise of restraint in this case.
I am a physician in Seattle and I love reading your blog every day. I have shared it with many of my patients and friends and I have a strong feeling that you are really going to take off this year! Best of luck to you in your new endeavor.
Now THIS is the kind of letter I hate.
How the fuck am I supposed to snark on such good will and lovely praise? Seriously, don’t ever write me again.**
*visualization is the key to success.
**Just kidding. I love you.