Welcome to Friday Feedback, our weekly column in which we give the reader the opportunity to hang me with my own words or tell me they like me. Things have been a little controversial around here lately…
I followed you on twitter and read your blog up until you made a joke about killing your dog with Ambien and I found out you are tight with another blogger who I can’t stand. Good luck with your new career because you are sure going to need it. UNFOLLOW!
Dear UNFOLLOW! (you didn’t sign your name so that’s all I’ve got):
Thank you for your prior patronage. Before I get the the heart of your complaint, here is a photo of Archie the Asshole, taken just this morning (the newspaper serves as proof of life):
Regarding the joke about killing my dog in Dog Blog, I am really surprised that out of everything I’ve written, that was the thing that finally drove you over the edge. Were you the one who called the Humane Society Police on me? If so, well played, my friend. Well played.
As for the other blogger, I am not an active twitter person and had no idea there was a beef going on between multitudes of people including the blogger and an actress/writer I admire. I am at a loss to understand why my participation in two podcasts and prior guest writing for her blog has earned me so much scorn, but in the end it hardly matters because none of it had anything to do with me.
I am not associated with truly evil people such as Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Donald Trump or Scott Disick. I have no dog in this fight or these fights and even if I did, he would probably be a lousy fighter because of the Ambien.
If you choose to make major life decisions such as dropping the best damn blog in the blogosphere because of my loose association with people you don’t like, you are not well-suited for this material. Please go back to reading “50 Shades of Grey” and tuning into the Lifetime “Flowers in the Attic” movies.
Your first husband must consider himself the luckiest guy in the world to have gotten away from you. I hope he has custody of your kid because you are a horrible horrible person. Good luck holding onto that new man and good luck being single once he leaves you.
Not a Fan
Dear Not a Fan (I get a lot of letters from people with this name!):
Your email arrived sans specific critique of my writing, so I’m not sure exactly how to address your comments except to note that you place a high degree of importance upon a woman’s ability to “hold onto” a man and avoid the dreaded single woman status. That’s the kind of nonsense mentality that keeps us gals from taking over the world so please knock it off.
The Canary in a Coal Mine is certainly happy to have moved onto a different relationship with his lovely new wife, but since we are all quite close (you score zero for reading comprehension) I don’t think he has the hatred for me that you imagine.
We share custody of the kid 50/50 so let’s hope he is undoing all the damage I do when Jake is at my house. I may have taught my son how to smoke and shotgun a beer on his 13th birthday, but I’m pretty sure his dad has told him that smoking is bad and so is beer. He’s trying to make Jake into a whiskey man…
As for Mr. Patience and Understanding, trust me when I tell you he isn’t going anywhere. If he ever threatens me with divorce, I’ll poison him with a lethal dose of Ambien and make it look like an accident.
/stops typing, waits for cops to arrive.
And with that, my lovelies, I must go. I’ve got 2000 words to write for the book and still have yet to work out today. I am doing video testing in a few weeks and I hear the camera adds ten pounds. Fuck my life.
In closing, I’d like to leave you with a quote from “Leaves of Grass,” written by Walt Whitman.
“I do not snivel that snivel the world over,
That months are vacuums and the ground but wallow and filth,
That life is a suck and a sell, and nothing remains at the end but threadbare crape and tears.
Whimpering and truckling fold with powders for invalids…. conformity goes to the fourth removed,
I cock my hat as I please indoors or out.”
Have a great weekend, everyone!