Foreign Internet Scam

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Dear Readers:

I thought I’d switch it up a notch by eschewing advice today and instead presenting you with an email exchange I had yesterday and today with a lovely but unfortunately terminally ill woman named Mrs. Zaynab Abdallah.

Please consider the entirety of the communications from my friend Zaynab to be covered by one over-arching “sic.”

Eqnjoy.  We will return to our regularly-scheduled programming of free advice (that’s worth every penny!) tomorrow.

Communication #1

Assalamu alaikum

Greeting in the name of Almighty Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Please don’t be surprise by receiving my message, i am currently sending you this mail from my sick bed in the hospital despite my critical condition. I have a message for you from Allah and i will be pleased to share the important message with you which almighty allah have asked me to share. Please write me back so i can give you the details of the messages.

i need your urgent reply as i dont know what tomorrow will result

Your Sister in Islam
Mrs Zaynab Abdallah
zayn.abdallah1953@yandex.com

My Response #1

Assalamu alaikum:

Hello. I am very sorry to hear you are not well, though I was surprised to receive your message because I don’t usually send email when I am in critical condition in the sick bed.

I replied as urgently as I could so I hope this finds you still breathing, or at least hooked up to a ventilator with one of Allah’s angels transcribing in your stead.  What is it you need to tell me? And why is Allah trying to get a message to me? I am just a simple woman who is pious yet has always yearned for a deeper connection to Allah.

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To hear Allah is trying to message me is a wonderful and exciting development in my spiritual experience, although I am somewhat disappointed he used you as a middle person. Why couldn’t he just reach out to me directly?  It’s not like he doesn’t have my email address, being almighty and all…

Anyway, what can I do for you, Mrs. Zaynab Abdallah? And is your husband the same Mr. Abdallad that my husband went to college with in Cairo? I heard they had some very naughty times there!

Just kidding, or as they say in my country, LOL. Please write me back so I can begin my rap with Allah. Have a great day!

Well, as good as you can given your medical condition.

-Robin

Communication #2

Assalamu alaikum

Greeting in the name of Almighty Allah The Most Beneficent The Most Merciful

Please don’t be surprise by receiving my message, i am currently sending you this mail from my sick bed in the hospital despite my critical condition But don’t worry, All i hope is that you will not betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you. I have to thank Allah this moment for his direction as regards this mission,

I am Mrs Zaynab Abdallah a Muslim convert from Switzerland I am married to Late Mr.Jawad Abdallah who is a wealthy business man here in London UK we were married for many years with out a child before he died after a brief illness

Before his sudden death we where devoted Muslim When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of three Million uk pounds (£3.000.000.00) in one of the prime bank in Africa and Presently this money is still with the Bank, and i am very sick from Kidney cancer that i may not last till the next two months according to my doctor so i decided to donate this money to a honest individual who will use it to work for Allah, orphans, widow and maintenance of mosque to fulfill the vow i and my late husband made to Allah, and i have chosen you after praying,

I want this money to be use as i have said since i do not have any child to inherit it and our relatives are all unbelivers and i don’t want our hard earn money to be use in ungodly way you will take 15% of this fund and use 85% as i stated,

the reason for taking this bold decision. I know that after death I will be with Allah the most merciful as soon as i read from you i will give you more details on how to achieve it, i need your urgent reply as i dont know what tomorrow will result

Your Sister in Islam
Mrs Zaynab Abdallah
zayn.abdallah1953@yandex.com

My Response #2

Assalamu alaikum

Greetings to you as well. Did you receive my earlier message today?

-Robin

Communication #3

Assalamu alaikum,

Yes i did receive your email and i have no doubt you are ready to go ahead with the work Allah as chosen you to carry out. Let me know if you are in with the next step?

May almighty Allah bless you
Mrsn Zaynab Abdallah

My Response #3

OK, but in order for me to keep my thoughts straight I need you to “reply” to my email and leave my prior message so I can refer to it when we communicate. Is that OK? For example, I should see my last message to you below your message – that way I am sure you received it.

Please confirm, and may almighty Allah bless you too and your goats, if you have any. I have no goats but I have two dogs who pray with me five times per day. Now if I could just get Allah to help me with house training this one!

Image 10-8-14 at 9.00 AM

Anyway, please write me back.

-Robin

Communication #4

Assalamu alaikum,

I don’t understand.  Are you ready to carry out the work of Allah?

May almighty Allah bless you
Mrsn Zaynab Abdallah

My Response #4

I apologize for the confusion, but your response to me was awfully repetitive so it was hard to tell whether you got my original message.

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Anyhoo, Mrs. Zayab Abdallah, do you know if your husband Jawad attended the University of Cairo with my husband in 1978? If so, you and I have some girl talk to do! Assuming you live much longer, Inshallah.

By the way, my deepest condolences about Jawad’s passing (Aadama allahu ajrik) and that you have no children. Did you try very hard? Because I know there are all sorts of ways to make babies these days, even if your baby oven is on the fritz or your burka is sewn too tight, if you know what I mean.

Oh my, I have really digressed. Let’s get back to you. Sorry, this “making it about me” is a problem I have had for a while – just ask anyone!

I need you to answer a few questions for me before I can agree to help you.

1. Your email said before your husband’s sudden death you “where devoted Muslim.” I need to know if you are still devoted. I know the death of a loved one can knock one’s spirituality for a loop, but I don’t want to help you unless I am confident you are still as devout in your religion as I am.

2. Were the 3 million pounds obtained legally, or do I need to worry about the National Security Agency getting all up in my business? Because I certainly don’t need to be linked to any arms trades or terrorism accusations again this year. Please specify your husband’s business prior to his untimely dismounting of the camel, as it were.

3. I used the Google machine and it told me that one of the leading causes of kidney cancer is smoking, but you and I know Muslims are not supposed to smoke. This concerns me because I thought you were devout. Do you drink alcohol too? If you drink and smoke, you are not a good person. Trust me, I know this for a fact.

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4. Am I strictly limited to using the money for orphans, widows and mosque maintenance? You get where I’m going with this right? There are other valid causes we should be fighting for, such as overthrowing the imperialist regime of the US occupation in Muslim countries, pushing us around and trying to make us CHRISTIAN (gag!) and make our governments DEMOCRATIC (ugh!).

Can I carve out a small portion, perhaps 5.5%, to further jihad in the name of Allah? If so, which jihad-y-type groups would you like me to support?

5. Can I also carve out a smidge, maybe 3.3%, to get a program started to educate our young ladies about proper Muslim protocol? I’m not talking about engaging in super-duper violent tactics, but something must be done to help ensure that our women cover their faces and bodies and don’t drive.

Where do you stand on the rights of our women? Did growing up in Switzerland make you a liberal imperialist loose-ethics gal, or are you down with the Sharia law?

femen-vs-sharia-law-protest-objection-religion-1366596026

6. Since we are deep into the numbers here, and since I have already identified 8.8% of necessary carve-outs in order for me to get on board with this task, I’m wondering if you could be a bit more flexible on your 85/15 split.

Shit, Zayab, even my managers get 20% of my ass for the first three years and I’m not asking them to go to the bank and start charities and stuff.

My counter-offer to you is 50% of the money for me, 1.5 million pounds, and 50% for jihad, putting women in their place, and the care and feeding for widows, orhpans and mosques.

Wait – don’t you care about non-orphaned children, non-widowed women and muslim men? What about them?

Whatever; I guess that’s not my problem.  Hold on, let me check the exchange rate…

OK, the rate today is 0.62 British pounds to 1 American dollar, which means this deal is WAY better than I thought!

Oh, wait.

Shit! I suck at math! That’s not a good deal for me at all!

Oh, wait…the exchange rate is in my favor.  Whoopsie!

Final offer: 60% to me, 40% to the jihad, suppression of the ladies, taking care of widows, orphans and mosques.

If you accept my terms, please forward details IMMEDIATELY, because much like you, I do not know what tomorrow will result. I don’t exactly take the best care of myself, you know.

johnme

Ma’a as-salaama,

Robin

Communication #5

**Crickets**

My Response #5

I am awaiting your reply. I have other financial matters to attend to, as I am terribly wealthy and the second wife to a rich man who is 30 years younger. Is this a scam?  Hello???

Communication #6

**more crickets**

My Final Response

Neek Hallak for wasting my time.  Have a nice day.

 

This Post Has 6 Comments

  1. YouCanLeadAHorticulture

    This had me cackling to the point that I had to leave my office! This and your zany updates from Europe are just delightful. I think it’s really fun that you are expanding your offerings on here.

  2. Debbie

    Almost peed in my pants!

  3. raftman

    This was ok – but I liked your first one better (the one with “have you read Dianetics”) – I don’t think that ever made your blog – you should publish it, it was more hilarious than this one….though this wasn’t bad.

  4. mike

    Robin,

    Good bargaining; too bad it didn’t work out.
    BTW, is Neek Hallak some variation on اللعنة عليك?

  5. Tom

    Love the satire. Reminds me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lJWIPkxBZE

    1. askdescamp

      That was hilarious – thanks for the link!

Comments are closed.