I read your blog a few days ago and have some thoughts. Some woman wrote you and said her husband was looking at a lot of internet porn and that she wasn’t interested in sex. She casually mentioned she had gained about 25 pounds. I really disagree with the advice you gave her because I don’t think you addressed the weight issue enough.
You apparently have no idea how weight gain can affect whether a woman wants to be intimate, and I don’t think most men do either. After having three kids, I have gained about 30-40 pounds and I can’t seem to lose it. I HATE working out so I never do it. My husband would probably tell you I don’t have sex with him enough, but from my side, I can tell you I don’t want to because I hate how I look. I feel gross and unattractive and hardly sexy.
My husband has remained fit which makes me feel even worse. My youngest is in 8th grade and I don’t work, so I’m sure he wonders why I can’t get this weight thing under control.
I love my husband and I want to make love with him but it just isn’t happening right now. I’m not sure what to do and it’s getting worse, because at this point we haven’t had sex in 11 months and I know he’s not happy about it.
Overweight and Overwrought
I struggled with whether to use your email in my Friday Feedback blog or for today’s advice blog, because I wasn’t certain you intended this to be a critique or a request for advice. In the end, I’m going to give you some advice whether you want it or not. Non-consensual advice is my specialty.
The blog you referred to is here: Internet Porn is Ruining my Marriage. I hesitated to address the weight issue too much because the writer did not focus on that as her main problem. Since you have identified your excess weight as the reason you don’t want to have sex with your husband, I’m happy to tackle it here.
Your assertion that I don’t understand the impact weight gain can have on sexual desire is extremely off the mark. I believe that when we are heavier, we are more insecure (“we” = women, because men don’t seem to give a fuck and I blame that on supermodels). Unless you are some sort of twisted fruitcake, feelings of insecurity dampen sexual desire, so we need to identify the steps you can take to increase your self-esteem and get back to shagging your husband. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you don’t fuck your husband, and assuming he still wants sex in his life, someone else will.
Here’s how I see it: you need two specific categories of advice. First, you need some direction on how to lose the weight. Second, you need to recharge your sexy battery. First things first:
HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT
Eat less, exercise more.
Yeah, it really is that simple. And yet it isn’t, or we wouldn’t have so many obese people in this country. You know what to do, you just aren’t doing it. Why? I don’t know, because you didn’t respond to my email seeking more information. Let’s talk about me, because that’s fun and informative.
I know EXACTLY why I carry around the extra pounds I do. I love wine and good food. The wine does not need to be good, it just needs to be wine. Although I exercise 6 or 7 days a week, I still have a belly that drives me crazy and back/bra fat. You know what I’m talking about, right ladies?
If I wanted to, I could count calories more closely and be much thinner. Specifically, I could give up drinking altogether and probably drop 20 pounds in a few weeks. However, life is too long to go through it sober, especially in this town.
Here’s some basic advice on losing weight:
1. Set not just one goal such as pounds to lose, but a series of goals. You say you need to lose 30-40 pounds, let’s call it 35. That’s a really daunting number, isn’t it? Break it down into chunks of five pounds each, and reward yourself every time you reach that goal. Maybe you buy yourself a new pair of earrings or a sex toy (after 11 months I’m thinking you might want one), but try not to reward yourself with lasagne and ice cream.
(The incorrect use of the apostrophe was not mine, I assure you)
2. Pay attention to what you eat, but don’t try to adhere to an extremely strict diet. We always end up rebelling against those and the result is losing ground, not weight.
3. You don’t work and your kids are in school, so exercise at least a few days each week. You certainly have the time. I know you hate working out, so find something you like to do instead of just running on a treadmill or riding a stationary bike. Have you tried fencing, or martial arts? Also, your husband would like you to know that sex burns calories too…
4. Try to find a friend to join you in your weight loss project and challenge each other. Studies that I haven’t read and don’t intend to show that women have greater luck losing weight when they do it with a friend. Accountability, support, blah blah blah, so find a fellow chubster and try to recruit her. I suggest doing this on the phone or over email, as there is a chance of being assaulted if you tell your friend she’s fat right to her fat face.
HOW TO GET YOUR SEXY MOJO BACK:
1. Think about what you need besides losing weight that will reignite your interest in the Act. Identify those things and share them with your husband, and work together on finding a solution. Therapy is probably a good idea.
2. Get back on that horse. 11 months is about to be a year, and once you are counting the time between coupling in years, you may as well find a divorce lawyer now. If you continue to turn your husband away, your marriage will suffer greatly, which will make you even more unhappy. Unhappiness goes hand in hand with stress, and stress makes your body release cortisol. Cortisol makes us fat, which means your weight problem will get even worse, and now you are in a spiraling circle of doom and despair.
I recently heard from a man in Florida who sent me a letter for this blog on a separate subject. He told me he had recently divorced, so we started chatting about what happened. In a very similar situation to yours, his wife had begun putting on weight and refusing sex. He told her constantly that he didn’t care about the weight and he loved her, but she still wouldn’t let him in the Nookie Box. Guess how long he put up with that before he finally left her?
9 years. 9 fucking years, or non-fucking years I should say. He’s now dating his old high school sweetheart (Facebook reconnect) and guess what? She’s heavy too. But he couldn’t care less; they can’t get enough of each other, and he’s finally happy. Meanwhile, his ex-wife has ballooned up to over 350 pounds and she still does’t understand why her marriage fell apart. OK, back to you:
3. Buy the aforementioned sex toy. It couldn’t hurt (unless it’s malfunctioning, I suppose).
4. Talk to your doctor. You should probably do this anyway since you WILL be taking my advice and starting a weight-loss program. Maybe there are some medical issues at play which feed into your diminished sex drive. If your doctor is really good-looking, this may also put you in the mood.
*sigh* Clooney has to go in the blog every once in a while. Sorry.
5. Think about your marriage and why you chose this man with whom to have children and build a life. Revisit the way he made you feel in the beginning and evaluate how you would feel if he left you. If the idea of divorce makes you sick, sad and scared you have got to figure out how you can both work together to get the physical part of your marriage back on track.
You know, one of the greatest challenges in life is to strive for perfection with unbridled enthusiasm and the knowledge you will never get there. Case in point: I love to cook for my husband, and rack of lamb is a specialty of mine. I recently purchased some lamb from a farm instead of a butcher, and thus was stuck with having to french it myself. Frenching, at least this type, is not something I am good at. The online instructions I used included the following picture:
After 25 minutes of hacking away like a 1994 Hutu, here’s what I had accomplished:
Looks like shit, right? But guess what? It was fabulous, and the husband (also known as The World’s Most Patient Man) loooooooved it. See, it didn’t look perfect, but it didn’t have to. The most important component of a meal is the flavor, not the presentation.
You, my friend, are a meal which your husband would like to enjoy. He still desires you and wants to be intimate with you. Try to remember that you taste the same to him whether you are fat or thin. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be accessible. So go on, give him a nibble. You will undoubtably feel more comfortable once you start losing weight and feeling better about yourself, but try to start the ball rolling now. You both have waited long enough.
Keep in touch,