We interrupt this regularly-scheduled advice blog to bring you some very happy news about your favorite lawyer-cum-writer!
Get your mind out of the gutter – you know what I meant.
Yesterday I was notified by the Oregon State Bar that I will not be further investigated for terrorism, snarkiness, or making drug use suppositions based upon mouth appearance.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have been absolved. Our long national nightmare is over!
And to think I was so terrified of the whole matter.
Quick Review of Robin, Her Biggest Fan, and the Oregon State Bar
Lest ye hath forgotten somehow, let me refresh your recollection:
- I was repeatedly attacked online by a woman in Florida.
- After absorbing her special brand of “strange, stupid, and enraged” for some time, I responded by suggesting (after I viewed her photo online) that she “look into (her) meth mouth.” Not my finest hour, of course, but certainly not my worst. Mr. Patience and Understanding can attest to that.
- Meth Mouth (joking or my opinion) then filed a complaint against me with the Oregon State Bar, an organization of which I’ve been somewhat (ahem!) critical over the past few years because of their inaction and apathy when it comes to serious complaints from clients against certain DICKS (Divorce Industrial Complex Kingpins).
- I found it highly unusual and suspect, to say the least, that the bar actually made me respond to Meth Mouth’s (joking or my opinion) complaint and her 29 screen shots in support of her allegations that I am a “terrorist.” Could it have something to do with the bullet point above? Nah, that sounds paranoid.
- Upon reading her complaint to the bar and their request of me to answer it or face discipline for failing to do so, amusement grew into mild consternation:
Why the fuck should I have to waste my time reacting to the feeble-minded rantings of the unhinged in Florida? Why should I have to justify to the Oregon State Bar Facebook postings that had nothing to do with my status as a lawyer?
A few of you know me personally. Count yourselves among the luckiest of readers, because to read me is to love me but to know me is to experience an other-worldliness that’s tough to describe accurately within the limitations of the English language.
Let’s put it this way:
I can be a little irreverent.
And that’s how I ended up writing this response:
If you haven’t read that yet you are missing out on some good, clean (mostly, anyway) fun. I highly recommend you set aside some time to see exactly how I express exasperation and disdain.
Frankly, it’s a fucking masterpiece.
Yesterday I received my official statement of good legal ethical health when the bar informed Meth Mouth (joking or my opinion) I was not going to be grounded like a naughty teenager for things I write.
They were also quite helpful and suggested she find a lawyer to sue me for slander if she were so inclined, or to contact local law enforcement should she want to report me for terrorism.
“You may wish to consult with the attorney of your choosing to help you determine if you have any claim against Ms. DesCamp. If you feel that Ms. DesCamp is terrorizing you, we encourage you to contact the appropriate law enforcement authorities.” (OK, is it just me or is this writer exercising a little snark of her own here?)
You read that right: terrorism.
I’ll tell you who’s a terrorist, Meth Mouth (joking or my opinion): whomever is posing as your dentist but whose only professional training was evidently in how to operate a jackhammer.
Funnily enough, I’ve received no calls from the Portland Police Department, nor has the Multnomah County Sheriff surrounded my home with their tactical team to disarm my keyboard. Should my friend Meth Mouth (joking or my opinion) choose to look for an attorney to sue me for “slander,” I’m going to give her some free advice:
Don’t waste your time.
You can no more sue me for slander than I can sue you for being an obsessed and stalker-like super-fan who made me waste several hours of my time writing my (admittedly epic) bar response.
In addition, I’ll add the following update to my bar response because Meth Mouth (joking or my opinion) made this point several times in several emails to the Oregon State Bar:
Meth Mouth (joking or my opinion) did not “abandon” her son, as I opined in my World’s Greatest Thing Ever Written by Any Lawyer Ever.
As she told the bar in one of her many emails complaining about me, I got that one wrong. In her own words and my comments in parentheses:
“For her to state that I ‘abandoned’ him is patently false (that depends on your definition of ‘patently’ or ‘false’). I did no such thing. If I am not mistaken this is slander (you are mistaken, per usual) as she has published this answer on her blog and is spreading it around to various people who request it as I am sure she will do with this answer/rebuttal (she got that right!).
“I make no bones that my child was removed from my care (OK, then…), that is a fact and it has been published in numerous places, (emphasis mine) including the Orlando Sentinel, our local newspaper here in April of 1992, however it does not state anywhere that I abandoned him.
“For Ms. Descamp (sic – for Christ’s sake, there’s a capital C in the middle) to state this as if it were fact, not only decimates the very standards of Florida Law in ensuring the privacy of minors and cases involving minors (but you just said you make no bones about publication of your story by the Orlando Sentinel, so now I’m confused!), but it also draws attention to my current child who is still a minor (to call that assumption a ‘stretch’ is as much of an understatement as calling you ‘angry’).”
Her minor son was taken away from her by the state a long time ago.
It is very important to Meth Mouth (joking or my opinion) that I clarify that point, because she thinks there is a difference between being the type of parent who has your child taken away from you and being the type of parent who abandons a child.
Me? I don’t get the difference.
I’ve never known anyone who had a child taken away by the state but one could assume they “abandoned” their parental responsibilities to such a degree as to render them incompetent in the government’s eyes to raise a child.
Seeing as how some truly terribly parents never lose their kids, I don’t think I’m too far off.
More Fun From Meth Mouth (Joking or My Opinion)
After she received my Masterpiece, Meth Mouth (joking or my opinion) sent the following email to the bar. I’ve added comments again in parentheses.
“Ms. Descamp (sic) is engaging in activity unbecoming a lawyer and I naturally assumed that lawyers were held to a high standard of behavior (have you met any divorce lawyers lately?). I did not realize that slander was conduct that was commended (there was no slander and the bar did not commend me, although they certainly should have because that response was the bomb).
“Thank you for your time thus far in this egregious matter by one of your bar members and as stated I will be sending in more screenshots (she never did).
“I am also highly disappointed to see this is how an ‘esteemed member of the bar’ (I proudly state I have never been considered one of those) treats a complaint filed in good faith (please familiarize yourself with the term ‘good faith’ ). By utilizing pictures of herself pasted into Miley Cyrus video of Wrecking Ball (I looked pretty hot, right?).
“I truly hope that all the other members of your esteemed bar (that’s about 12,276 people) give this procedure far more respect than Ms. Descamp (sic) has appeared to thus far. I had hoped that her blog post was just her attempt at sadistic humor, but alas I see it is not to be (alas, no!). She actually sent this to you (indeed: proudly). This shows the level of respect she has for this process as well as everyone associated with it.” (for once, you got my point – kudos!)
I trust this will be the end of the story, but perhaps Meth Mouth (joking or my opinion) will see fit to file another complaint with the bar upon reading this.
I won’t be too upset if she does, because the combination of my Biggest Fan and the hypocrisy I see within my professional organization has created some of my finest work.