Announcement PLUS My Husband Isn't Horny!

Dear Readers:

First off, I need to clarify that the second half of the title of today’s blog refers to the question I am answering from a reader today.

OK, drumroll please…(click link below)

I, Robin DesCamp, a.k.a.: “AskDesCamp;” “The Advice Goddess;” “Bird;” “Robinski;” and “She Who Tempts Fate Too Often” have been asked to appear on a radio show in the Coachella Valley/Palm Springs area on January 17th at 8:00 a.m.!  Bill Feingold and his co-host Kevin Holmes host a drive time program on KNEWS 94.3 and 970 AM which is the hottest in the valley – and I’m going to be on it!

http://www.943knews.com/common/page.php?pt=billfeingoldshow&id=102

I’ll be discussing the blog, changing careers mid-life, my hilarious experience at “The Nest” (Palm Desert’s hottest pick up joint) and we may touch upon my fascination with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  Of course, I hope to have some callers phone in for advice as well.

This will be my first time in a radio studio and to say I am excited is a gross understatement.  I’ll provide a link to the station closer to air date and the morning I go on which will allow you to live-stream my appearance.

Because my dream is to turn this gig into a radio show and later a podcast, my first radio appearance is crucial in my advancement towards #1 Advice Goddess (U.S., Canada and Grenada) and subsequent fame and fortune.  Whoopie!

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And now for what we do best: telling others what to do, despite an extraordinary amount of personal baggage.  Away we go!

Dear Robin:

I know you’ve written before about men who can’t get sex from their wives, but what about women?  I am an attractive woman in my mid-40s who has made a strong effort to stay in shape and look my best.  My husband, on the other hand, has gained about 60 pounds since we married 15 years ago and he has several health problems related to his weight.  I have tried to encourage him to get in better shape, but he isn’t interested.

Meanwhile, I would still like to have sex with him, but he never wants to.  I love my husband, I am still attracted to him and I am committed to our marriage, but I am sick of getting turned down when I am looking for affection and I am starting to consider having an affair.  It has been over a year since we last had sex.

What can I do to change this situation?  

Still Frisky

Dear Still Frisky:

Oh sister, I am so sorry.  You aren’t just “Still Frisky,” you are probably more so than previously in your life.  Many women in their 40s go through a wonderful sexual renaissance often referred to as “The Peak” (I have no idea if this is true for everyone but I am one happy lady and my reality usually means: must be true for most, hence the advice blog).

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(“Gimme some a what you got!”)

As I often do, I’ll make a couple general observations and then I’ll give you my advice.

I think it’s great that after 15 years of marriage you are still hot for your husband.  If I had a dollar for every man who has told me his wife doesn’t want him anymore, I could go to a strip club and keep all the ladies happy for weeks.  I don’t get this kind of letter from women very often, so I really appreciate you giving me the opportunity to address the sex problem from the perspective of the female.

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Your husband’s weight gain could very well be inhibiting his sexual drive both physically and emotionally.  Let’s discuss!

1. From the physical side of things, sex is hard work, especially for the male!  All that thrusting is surely more difficult with an extra 60 pounds.  Imagine going to your aerobics class with a 3rd grader strapped on your back…ugh.

Regardless of what’s (not) happening in the bedroom, you should make an appointment for your husband with his doctor.  If he avoids going to the doctor (as I always did when I was significantly overweight), don’t tell him.  Schedule it and make a date with him to do something fun, like shoe shopping or going to the gun range.  By the time you pull into the clinic parking lot, it will be too late and he will have to see his physician.  If you think he may make a run for it, find some tough guys to “escort” him in.

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Though he should have his exam all by himself (you aren’t his mommy, after all), make sure you both have time prior to the exam to chat with the doctor together.  Express your concerns about your husband’s waning sex drive and how his health issues are related to his weight.  Don’t forget to ask the doc to check your husband’s testosterone levels, because those start to drop in your 40s.  Or 30s.  Whatever, I’m not a doctor.  They ain’t what they used to be, let’s just leave it at that.

My point is: get him to a doctor and make sure he is healthy enough to start a weight loss program, and then be supportive of him doing just that.  You might encourage him by reminding him how much you love him and how much you’d hate to have to marry his best friend and ask the kids to call him “Daddy” two weeks after he dies of a heart attack. Show him you have already bought this book for your children:

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2. While I don’t believe men are subject to the same scrutiny and pressure women are when it comes to appearance, you can’t discount the fact that he probably has some shame or embarrassment about his weight gain, especially since you have made efforts to keep yourself in good condition.

Be kind to him and when you ask (beg?) for sex, tell him that you still find him very attractive, despite his keg around the middle that replaced his old six-pack.  Everyone needs an ego boost from time to time, especially when we have to get butt nekid.

But something must be done, because it’s been a year since you last coupled, and that is really really bad.  

Clarification: it’s bad if one party still wants nookie.  If both parties have decided they’ve done enough SexyTime and have hung up their dancing shoes, great!  Not all marriages include sex, especially later in long-term relationships.

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But you want to make love with your husband and he isn’t cooperating you’ve obviously got a problem.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you don’t fuck your spouse, somebody else will (unless your spouse is really ugly and obnoxious).

While I understand your frustration and your consideration of having an affair, I urge you to try to work through this with your husband first by consulting with his physician, creating a weight-loss program you can support him in and if that doesn’t work, seeing a couples therapist before you put another man’s car in your garage.

If you do all you can and nothing
changes, I’d suggest considering either getting divorced or asking him for an open marriage.  Of course, you can learn to live without sex, but I’ve got to think that would generate an enormous amount of resentment and sexual frustration on your end – one likely to culminate in divorce anyway.  

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You could also have affairs, but I think in the long run you would probably find casual couplings outside your marriage to lack what I think you are really craving: personal connection and affection from someone you love. Most people in your shoes usually end up falling in love with one of the people kind enough to fuck them and end their sexual/affection drought.  How could they not, after years of being rejected?

Keep trying, keep telling your husband you want him and you miss the physical part of the marriage, get some professional help from a doctor and a therapist, and let me know how it goes.

One more thing, and I am saving it for the last because it’s really awful and I hate to write this but here goes: ask yourself if he may be having an affair.  If you think it’s possible, find out and deal with it in whatever way works best for your family.  

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I don’t want to upset you but I have to acknowledge there is a possibility he may be involved with someone else, and doesn’t want to “cheat” on his mistress.

Just food for thought.  Rotten, stinking moldy food, but you might want to ask yourself that tough question.  If he is cheating, I give you permission to go out tonight and get laid – you’ve certainly got it coming to you (so to speak).

-Robin

 

 

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Debbie

    One of two things are going on- the man’s having an affair or he can’t get it up anymore. They have pills for that.

    1. echinachea

      How about the possibility that he is in the slow process of coming out of the closet? It happens…..but maybe I watch too much TV.

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