Today, with the permission of an advice-seeker, I am bringing you into my process. As I have mentioned before, I often have an email exchange when people write to me, because the first question sent usually doesn’t have enough information for me to render advice that’s worth a damn. Today’s question presents a prime example of when I need to engage with a letter writer and dig into their lives so I can boss them around via this blog despite my utter lack of credentials.
This, my friends, is how we make the sausage.
“L” stands for “Lovelorn,” and if I need to tell you what “R” stands for you should stop reading now because my blog requires a certain intellectual threshold that you clearly do not meet.
L: Here’s my question: WTF is wrong w me?
R: I’m going to need some specifics. I’m good, but not that good
L: Run with it.
L: I think my problem is that I don’t want to hear the advice you will give me. Because then I will have to follow it. And if I don’t I will feel like crap. Because you really do know better than I do.
R: Let me help you. I don’t have to write it
L: I’m recently divorced and dating two men. One is a kind, sweet wonderful guy. The other one I am in love with, despite that he is a needy, co-dependent, abusive, immature emotional retard. Can you turn that into something?
R: Yes but I need more details about your description of him
L: Verbally abusive. “Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit, fuck off”. Throwing things at me. Following me, driving by my house, calling my employer. Followed me out of town when I went to NYC on business. Now has cut me off – blocked my phone number,unfriended me. We live in the same neighborhood so I see him all the time. Says he has unconditional love, support and security to offer me and my kids. And that he loves me more than anyone ever could. And the sex is passionate and wonderful. And his penis is absolutely PERFECT.
R: Was your ex like that? Or your dad?
L: Both were verbally abusive. In different ways. Sex was never good with ex. Don’t know about my dad’s penis. Thank goodness.
R: I lol’d. Did your mother stick up for you?
L: No. She was verbally abused by my dad in the same way.
R: Are you in therapy?
R: How long? Therapy, that is? 🙂
L: Been going for about 3 years.
R: You need a new therapist
L: No I don’t – she’s great. I love her.
R: Seriously. Really? She’s great? She’s not helping you
L: I have been to many. She helps me a lot. It’s not that easy
R: You need robin therapy
R: Do you have children at home?
L: Yes, a boy and two girls. All under 12.
R: Can I use this exchange? And by the way, stop fucking the nice guy if you love this abusive asshole. That’s just mean.
L: I care about the nice guy.
R: Sorry I calls ’em likes I sees ’em
L: I know. I appreciate it. He only has so much to offer, though. But I want to be done with the asshole.
R: Why do you have to be with anyone? Why can’t you just BE?
L: I don’t know. That’s another of my problems.
This is not a funny situation. AT ALL. And yet, funny is my schtick so I’m going to have to give it a shot.
First, thank you for trusting me with this incredibly important problem, and for allowing me to share our exchange with my readers.
Second, what the fuck is wrong with you, indeed?
If you lived in Portland, I’d get your address and drive to your house to slap some sense into you. In fact, if you lived anywhere I felt like visiting, I’d fly to where you are and do the same. Unfortunately, you live in Spokane, and while I certainly do care about your problem, I just don’t care enough to go to Spokane.
I am going to get very real on your ass in a very direct manner this morning, which means it’s AskDesCamp Advice By Numbers time. I’ll address issues in the order raised during our email chat but first I’ll say this:
You came to me for advice so despite your protestations, I think you have arrived at a point where you know you need help and tough love to rid yourself of this man (I’m going to call him OJ). You are ready to make a change so listen up, sister: get the fuck away from this psycho before he ruins your life and possibly ends it. By the way, this is the next birthday card you can expect from your children:
That’s the bottom line advice: stay away from him. Forever. Now let’s get into the details…
1. There is no such thing as “unconditional love” except maybe with our children. When I hear someone say they love their partner unconditionally I see a fool who either doesn’t understand the meaning of the word or a fucking doormat in need of therapy or a bullet to the brain.
Do I love my husband unconditionally? No.
If he cheated on me, abused my son and burned our house down on purpose with our dog in it (in all honesty I care more about my art than the dog) I can say without a doubt I wouldn’t love him anymore. So, OJ can’t love you unconditionally, unless he is a pathetic loser who would never leave you even if you shit all over him, hurt his kids and burned his house down. He’s either a liar or a simpering shadow of a real man. Sounds like a prize to me!
2. When someone says “I can love you more than anyone ever could,” I hear a subtext of “because you are inherently unlovable.” What I mean is this: while I know in my heart that I love my husband a shit ton, I can’t say there isn’t anyone out there who could love him as much or more. Why? Because he’s so god-damned lovable. Your man is actually insulting you when he claims his love is superior to any future potential love, so chew on that while I deliver my next little nugget:
3. I don’t care how much you love your therapist, you need a new one, STAT. If you love her so much, fire her and make her your drinking buddy, but find yourself a shrink who can actually help you. Your personal history (abusive father, mother who didn’t protect you and abusive ex-husband) is dictating the way you are living your life and you continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.
I’m not a therapist (see disclaimer on home page!!!) but I’m pretty sure that if I was, my job description would include counseling clients to change behavior that makes them unhappy. This gal has had you for three years and you’re still a mess. She either doesn’t understand how to help you or she just can’t be straight with you: either way she sucks.
If she were your plastic surgeon and you woke up with breast implants on your knees, would you just shrug it off because “you love her?” Be sure to call me when you finally decide to pursue a malpractice claim, I can give you some attorney referrals up there in Spokane.
Why do you hate yourself so much? I mean, that’s really what it comes down to, Lovelorn. You hate yourself and you don’t want to engage in behavior that will make you happy because you don’t think you deserve to be happy. You have your parents to thank for that, but only to a point. You are old enough now to change your paradigm and stop doing stupid shit, like dating psychopathic stalkers who happen to have perfect penises.
I just have to ask: what makes a perfect penis perfect? Readers, please address by leaving comments.
5. In addition to dumping OJ, you should probably stop seeing the nice guy. He may be an ideal partner for you someday, but not in your current state of fucked-up-edness. Most important: you need to learn how to be on your own for a change rather than depending on a man. You probably won’t be able to do that until you learn your worth via therapy with a qualified analyst, not one who got her license from the Internet in a 2-for-1 deal that also came with a license to perform weddings.
6. This man is abusive. If he hasn’t hit you yet, I bet he will someday. Whether or not he does abuse you physically, he is abusing you psychologically and you are worried that he has cut you out of his life? Jesus Christ on a crutch, woman, take advantage of this! He has saved you the trouble of a messy break-up. I bet he’s a crier: does he cry? Yeah, I bet he does.
Except he’ll be back. You know he’ll be back. Which brings me to my final point, and it’s harsh:
7. You are being a bad mom if you ever let this man in your life again. You are creating a son who will have ZERO respect for women and possibly become an abuser himself. You are raising daughters who will seek out abusive partners and struggle with self-esteem issues their entire lives.
Lovelorn, if you can’t cut this asshole out of your life because it’s good for you, do it for your kids. If you don’t, I don’t think you give a damn about them. Sorry, but while parents are free to enjoy abusive and shitty relationships once the kids are grown, you have no right to subject your children to OJ.
No right at all, and it makes me mad. I’m actually shaking as I write this. Please do as I say and get back to me with updates. All joking aside, I do care. I care more than you know, so get some help and stay away from this man. PLEASE.