Unknown

My Husband Doesn’t Get Jealous

Dear Robin:

This is a weird thing to complain about but I’ll do it anyway.  Do you think if a man doesn’t get jealous when other men hit on his wife there’s something wrong?

I don’t think I’m the most jealous person in the world but I do react when I think women are hitting on my husband.  It’s not that I don’t trust him I just don’t like other women flirting with him.  I think that’s normal!

On the contrary my husband could care less when men flirt with me or when I tell him about situations in which men have made it clear they find me attractive and have indicated interest in seeing more of me.

We’ve been together nine years and lately he doesn’t seem interested in me much sexually either.  I spoke with a girlfriend who warned me it sounds like he may have someone on the side and that’s why he doesn’t care what I do or want to have sex.

The more words I type here the more serious it sounds.  I do NOT want a caveman who is aggressive towards other men but I’d like to see some sort of reaction when men come onto me and he shows none!

Lonely Lucy

Dear Lonely Lucy:

The name you selected made me sad.  Our email chat made me even more so.  

I posted your general question on Facebook yesterday and the overwhelming response was: that girl has issues.  

I agree.

Your issues are with the English language.  

  1. If it were true your husband “could care less” you wouldn’t be as upset as you are.  Your husband “could not care less.” 
  2. Your last sentence threw me for a loop.  I understand guys who aren’t jealous, but if you aren’t getting any reaction when other men “come onto” you, your marriage is done.  I do believe you meant “come on to.”  I hope to dear goddess that’s what you meant.

Nitpicky critique of your email out of the way, I have some observations based upon your original communication and our subsequent ones.

Robin’s Observations: Pay Attention!

  • Your husband is a very secure man.  Too secure, perhaps?  Your description of him sounds like he holds himself above all others, which is great!  Self-esteem is great!  But honestly, he sounds a little on the arrogant side.
  • You, on the other hand, are insecure.  You are hyper-focused on how you compare to everyone: other women, other people in general, and even as you do to your own husband.  If you want to feel superior, try comparing yourself to Archie, the Drunken Chihuahua.  He’s a mess.

IMG_0863

  • You report feeling better about yourself when other men are attracted to you and make it obvious they’d be interested in a clandestine hook-up.
  • Your husband has never been a jealous man per se, but he used to be more aware of this type of thing and definitely uncomfortable with it.
  • His lack of discomfort has grown sharply in direct alignment with his lack of interest in sex.  With you, that is.  🙁
  • You work very hard to remain attractive to your husband (or maybe you are working hard to remain attractive to your next husband?) but despite your efforts and accomplishments he seems even less interested in you.
  • When you report an incident in which someone was pursuing you, on the rare occasions he isn’t completely uninterested, he instead becomes angry. Not with the man, mind you, but with you.  
  • He is very secretive and guards his privacy jealousy.  Unfortunately, that’s the only jealousy in his life!
  • You are an open book and tell him everything, including your phone and email passwords.
  • When your marriage has struggled in the past he has pushed for counseling but suddenly is not following through on his commitments to that effort.

Back to my poll on Facebook, which looked like this: 

POLL: Writing up today’s blog on a woman who is upset her husband doesn’t get jealous when other men pay attention to her. Is she a ‪#‎fuckingloon‬ or insecure or both? Or is there something wrong in their marriage? What do you think?

Here were some of the reactions:

Kara:
I suppose she would rather have him punching other men and gaining assault charges? She’s dumb.  Maybe her husband isn’t jealous because he’s secure with himself and in the marriage… Maybe it even turns him on… Who knows.
Karl:
Both.
Melanie:
Obviously insecure. The next question would be why? Maybe her needs are not being met in the marriage?
Jean
Maybe she just wants him to show some emotion. 
Tamsen:
Maybe he trusts her and doesn’t feel the need to thump his chest like a moron every time someone looks at her. I get it to a degree, but I guess it really comes down to how does he make her feel otherwise. Is he affectionate? Does he make her feel sexy? I think the answer to those really matters most, and from the sound of it the answer is no. So if that’s really what’s going on, then there is more to the story than not being jealous.
Isaac:
He may be pleased to have a wife to whom other men pay attention and much happier than if he was married to a woman whom nobody noticed.
Haley:
When men notice me, my husband points it out. He says, “Babe, you’re hot. I know what I’ve got. I don’t mind them looking as long as I’m the one taking you home and fucking the shit out of you.”

Advice:

As you can see, the answers varied but tended to favor your husband.  Of course, those people didn’t know the details I know.  I should never try to crowdsource the blog; it’s rarely successful and it makes me look lazy.

You know what else makes me look lazy?  Punting to a therapist.  

But punt I must, because something has changed dramatically in your marriage and although I pride myself on being wise and capable, your circumstances demand not-free-advice that’s worth every co-pay.

Jealousy can be a terrible cancer on a relationship and is often the excuse for controlling and abusive behavior.  You don’t really want your husband to be a jealous man, but rather one who values you and pays attention to you.  

Does that sound about right?

Your husband shouldn’t beat the crap out of other men for paying attention to you, but his utter disinterest (which you described as relatively new) is concerning when viewed in context with the other problems in your marriage.

Honestly, I look at that bullet point list above and I can’t help but wonder if your husband is having an affair or simply has no love for you left.  

The obsession with privacy is very troubling, especially given how open you are to him.   

images

He doesn’t even want you to see his checkbook, and you are married.  I’m sorry but I do not think that is normal behavior for people who choose to spend their lives together.  If the damn checkbook is such a mystery, what else is he hiding from you?

If it’s true you try harder and harder to please him and be attractive to him but he only withdraws further from you, my intuition tells me he’s either fucking someone else or he just doesn’t care what you do because he’s not in love with you any longer.

I know that is hard to read but I think it’s something you need to be prepared for.

Now, my intuition has been WAY off in the past.  It doesn’t happen more than once or twice a decade, but sometimes I actually call something wrong.

For example, when I saw Archie’s photo on the Oregon Humane Society website I thought: this dog will be a perfect little addition to our family!

  • Maybe your husband is growing wiser with age, trusts you, loves you, and knows who will be going home with him at the end of the evening (to not have sex).
  • Maybe he is sick and tired of watching you seek out attention from other men.  I can’t help but assume you may be drawing attention to yourself out of desperation to get a reaction from your husband.  I would find that annoying over time.
  • Maybe he is going through some struggles of his own related to aging or work.
  • Maybe your neediness is off-putting and he has lost respect for you.
  • Maybe he is angry at you for something he has yet to reveal.

Whatever the case may be, you said the two of you have trouble talking to each other.  

Unless you do that soon, and with a professional, you may indeed arrive at the point where another man could be “coming onto” you and your husband’s only complaint is the subsequent dry-cleaning bill.

desc_logo

 

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    The jealousy thing? I don’t get it. Jealous men and women are a turnoff.

    The indifference thing? I get that. That’s how my husband treated me for almost a full year before I found out he had a girlfriend. He was also very secretive about money and his phone, computer, etc. He left plenty of trails for me to find, eventually, because I think he wanted to get caught.

    Sorry, Lonely Lucy, but something smells really fishy here. The checkbook, the lack of sex, the not wanting to go to therapy, it all adds up to something.

    In my case my husband denied cheating for a long time and when I finally had proof (the idiot left his phone unlocked on the counter and my curiosity got the better of me) everything made sense. Our marriage wasn’t perfect and it was past the time we should have split but I didn’t appreciate being mislead and cheated on for almost a year, especially since I thought we were working on the relationship.

    I am now very happily divorced. He is VERY unhappily married to his former mistress. Ironic.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Thanks for your comment! I appreciate your ownership in the state of the marriage and I’m sorry he cheated on you instead of just having the balls to initiate that difficult conversation about divorce. As for the mistress, I’ll quote someone who said this before me:
      “Every time a man married his mistress he creates a job opening.”

      That’s not always true, of course. Not all men who cheat are cheaters. However, you should NEVER marry the Jump Off. Never. The statistical odds are absolutely against you, to say nothing of the problems you create with your kids (assuming you have them). Step kids may have trouble accepting a new partner of their mom or dad, but if that new partner was the one boning one of their parents while married to the other, forget it. That kind of stain is hard to wash away and every time I’ve seen it tried, it doesn’t go well.

Comments are closed.