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Robin Tries to Report a Death Threat Against a Judge; Apathy Ensues (Part II)

Dear Readers:

Today we complete our two-part series on what happened when I tried to report a death threat against an Oregon Circuit Court Judge and his family. Come along with me and as you read, remember these are your tax dollars (not) at work!

If you missed the first part, none of this will make sense.  Please click the link below and catch up with the rest of the class:

Death Threats and Apathy: Part 1

Even if you did read that, click and read it again for more continuity in your blog-reading experience today.

Exasperated and in need of a drink, I continued to answer the EPD operator’s questions.  They ranged from the obvious to the mundane:

EPD:

Address and phone number, please?

Robin:

I gave those to you twice already.

EPD:

Email address?

Robin:

robin@robindescamp.com

EPD:

What do you do for a living?

Robin:

I herd cats.

EPD:

Come again?

Robin:

Never mind.  Say, shouldn’t you put me on hold and put out an APB on this loon? Shouldn’t you contact the judge right now instead of asking me all these questions?  Any idea when the detective will be contacting me?  Believe it or not, those cats aren’t going to herd themselves.

EPD:

That’s not how this works.

Robin:

Yeah, you mentioned that.

EPD:

When was your last period?

Robin:

I’m hanging up now.  Please do something about this and have the detective call me as soon as possible.

EPD:

(covers mouthpiece; talks to someone else in the room)

I ordered the chicken salad on ciabatta.  What the fuck am I supposed to do with corned beef on rye?  I told you I’m a pesca-orni-tarian!  

Robin:

*hangs up*

EPD:

Hello?  Hello?  Are you there?  Did you hang up on me?

At this point I went about my day, doing bloggy things that bloggers do. Approximately 30 minutes later, (about as long as it would take to murder a judge and his entire family assuming the perp took Oregon’s legally-required 15 minute work break every 15 minutes), my phone rang.

Robin:

Hello!  Divorce by Design Consulting and Robin’s phone, here!  What can I do you for?

EPDD (Eugene Police Department Detective)

Hi, I understand you are trying to report a threat against Puddles, the University of Oregon mascot?

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Robin:

No, I am not going to tattle on my Husky brother John today.  I received an email from a disturbed individual in which he announced a nefarious and wicked plan to murder a Eugene Honorableness and his whole family to boot! 

EPDD:

OK, what’s your name and address?

Robin:

Don’t you people talk to each other?

(I now reiterate all the information previously shared, including the date of my last period and the expression of pride that, despite my advanced age, I am still able to produce the crimson tears of a disappointed uterus.)

EPDD:

Do you have any pets I should be made aware of?

Robin:

Look, I hate to tell you how to do your job, but don’t you think you should hang up and call the judge?  And maybe one of your cop pals should go talk to this guy and make sure he isn’t currently inserting a kitchen knife into the jurist’s corpus delicti?

EPDD:

Huh?

Robin:

Never mind.  This reminds me of when I called the EPD in college to report my credit card had been stolen and I had tracked down the thief by calling all the stores where he went on a Christmas shopping spree.  I had his license number for you guys.  Want to guess what happened next?  

EPDD:

No…

Robin:

EPD sent two patrolmen to my house to take a report and arrest me for failure to pay a bicycling ticket.  Apparently they run a check on people who are reporting crime – isn’t that nifty?  Hey – is it still illegal to bike on the downtown mall in Eugene? They took my bra away from me in jail, by the way.  Did they really think I’d commit suicide over a biking-on-the-mall ticket?  

By the way, why haven’t you asked me to forward the emails to you?  Can I do that now so you can use them as evidence in the murder trial?

EPDD:

Oh yeah, that’s a good idea!

(I now send not only the email at issue, but all the other nutty ones I had received from Mr. Judge-Hater.)

EPDD:

I don’t see anything.  Can you try again?

Robin:

OK…

EPDD:

Nope, nothing.  Can you try again?

Robin:

Why don’t you check your spam filter?

EPDD:

What’s Spam® got to do with anything?

Robin:

Didn’t you have to take a test to get your job?  No offense, but I worry about a detective who can’t locate his own junk.

(I talk him through how to find the spam/junk folder)

EPDD:

OK, there you are!  

Robin:

Does it concern you at all that such urgent emails went into your spam folder?  I am writing you from a valid email address and you are the only recipient.  My email should not have been diverted to your spam folder.  I strongly suggest you speak with your IT department about that.

EPDD:

Why does it matter?   I have them now…

Robin:

Silly me, I thought you may be working on other cases now or in the future. Apologies.

EPDD:

No worries!

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Robin:

Again, shouldn’t you be doing something about this besides chatting with me? You seem like a lovely fellow and your voice is mellifluous but I’m concerned we may be wasting precious time.

EPDD:

Don’t worry, Sarah, I’m going to make an effort to call him today.

Robin:

Good to see you are taking close notes.  Fortunately, I am taking notes as well.  

My notes say: this call is the fourth one since I first attempted to report this very serious threat and so far nobody has alerted the judge.  My phone, smart as it is, indicates this call alone has gone on for 16 minutes: ample time for someone with mental health issues to purchase an AR-14 and 20,000,000 rounds at the nearest Nordstrom.

EPD:  

We don’t have a real Nordstrom, only an outlet.  It sucks because I can’t find Zegna anywhere in town.  Besides, I think you have to go to Macy’s for an AR-14. Nordstrom only sells handguns…

Robin:

Duly noted.

Regardless, while our banter has been nothing short of compelling, I am now hanging up on you and begging you to do your job.  If you’d like to call me back, either for more information on this matter or some data on the regularity of my fecal extractions, please feel free to do so.

EPDD:

Good idea, I should let him know, huh?  Thanks.  Say, have you ever thought about becoming a detective?  I bet you’d be really good at it.

Robin:

I appreciate the attempted tangent but I deal enough with criminals in my current work.  I’m hanging up now.  Please give the judge my best, either over his lifeless body or as he takes his last gasps.

EPDD:

Huh?

Robin:

(hangs up)

EPDD:

Hello?  Hello?  Are you there?  Did you hang up on me?

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