Bridezilla From Hell, and I’m Maid of Honor!

New and improved re-run!

Dear Robin:

My best friend is getting married in February next year.  When she became engaged last month she became unbearable.  

She’s planning her wedding and you would think it was the royal wedding.  It’s all she has talked about (bragged about) and I am finding her to be so annoying.  She asked me to be maid of honor and I said yes but now I totally regret it.

There are 13 bridesmaids and groomsmen and this is the party count she told me to expect: 1 fancy engagement party thrown by her parents and a more casual one she wants me to throw just for our friends, two bachelorette parties (one in town and one in Las Vegas), two wedding showers (one just for her, the other a couples shower) and the rehearsal dinner and of course the wedding. 

Oh wait, I forgot the post-honeymoon present opening party!

She has literally been engaged for five minutes and already she has made very intense demands on everyone.  For example: the bridesmaid dresses cost $800 and she expects us all to pay for a huge suite at the Hard Rock Hotel for the Las Vegas party.  I am not a wealthy person like she is and I can’t imagine how I am going to pay for all of this.  

Finally, she noticed I had gained a few pounds and I should try to take the weight off before the wedding.  We are talking maybe 5 or 6 pounds and she is at least one size larger than me and not fit.

Sorry for the long rant but here is my question: can I back out of this wedding?  I do NOT want to be her maid of honor. I am literally stewing over here!

Weary in Washington

Dear Weary:

Sorry, gotta do it:

Unknown-1

Misuse of the word “literally” makes me (figuratively) insane so stop that shit right now.

Yes, you can back out of being maid of honor.  Whether or not you should and how you should go about it are entirely different matters, but I am here to tell you that you are well within your rights as a freedom-loving American citizen to back out of this commitment and go about your merry way.

Wedding v. Marriage and Robin’s Theory of Relativity

Women obsessing over the wedding isn’t new but in the past decade or so the whole experience has gotten way out of hand.  That shit show you just described is the perfect example.

I’m working on a personal theory and corresponding predictive formula that proves the more obsessed a woman is with her wedding, the less she will be present and accounted for in her marriage, and therefore the greater the likelihood of divorce.

These gals have major PMS (Princess Mentality Syndrome) lodged within their cerebral cortex and a highly exaggerated entitlement and attention-needing complex.  

Unfortunately, I can’t figure out the math part of my theory yet, also known as the formula, because my brain doesn’t work that way.  Perhaps one of my readers can draft the equation and leave it in the comments.

These characteristics are not suitable for a long-term marriage, as my as-yet-to-be-created “Wedding Obsession v. Marriage Success” formula clearly shows (or rather, will show…a little help here please?).

When I called you this morning you told me she is not actually your “best” friend but rather your oldest friend.  You two met in 1st grade and were close through high school but went to different colleges.  You kept in touch and just recently both ended up in your home town and have rekindled the friendship.

HOWEVER (sorry to yell at you) you have noticed over the past few months you don’t like her very much anymore.  

You said she is selfish and shallow and while you are working hard at your nursing job, she is living off daddy’s money and has no plans to ever get a job.  She also brags a great deal about all the money her fiancé earns and will continue to earn in the future.  

God, she sounds awful.

Unknown-4

Robin’s Advice and a Template for Weary in Washington!

Get out of this obligation now, before it’s too late for her to find another victim.  

Who cares if she hates you for it?  This is a bridge worth burning, so herewith I am providing you my gasoline and matches in the form of an email you will send to Bridezilla:

Dear Horrible, Hideous Woman:

Upon reflection, I have decided I cannot be in your wedding party after all.  I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you.

While I considered making up an excuse such as colorectal cancer or a severe case of eye herpes that would preclude my involvement in these lavish and complicated festivities, I’ve decided in the interests of our friendship and your own personal development as a human being I should be straight with you.

Since you became engaged, you have been an insufferable twat and I will not subject myself to further abuse simply because someone proposed to you.  I don’t know who sold you on the idea that everyone should kiss your ass and do your bidding because of that ring on your finger, but whoever it was did you a major disservice.

With over 2.5 million weddings occurring every year in this country, I can assure you that you are not a special snowflake and your wedding is not deserving of 317 events.  With over half of marriages ending in divorce, I can also assure you that when the inevitable happens nobody will want to show up for your Divorce Party/Shower in the Virgin Islands.

Please be advised all of the girls you have asked to be in the wedding party are stressing out big time over how demanding and demeaning you have been acting. More important, most of them are considering drastic measures to pay for these events: getting second jobs, new credit cards, and selling off their assets including clothes, electronics and eggs.

Of course, the final straw for me was your suggestion I lose weight before the wedding.  That was hurtful, unkind and suggested to me you haven’t the benefit of a full-length mirror at home, because you are way too chubby to send my ass to the gym.  

Your bra fat and muffin top are deserving of their own zip codes, so I suggest you keep your mouth shut.  That will be tough, of course, since you are always shoving a cheeseburger in that word hole of yours.

Best of luck with your wedding and your marriage to a man smart enough to dissuade you from a prenup – a man who has his eye firmly trained on your father’s company as well as his best man’s ass.  

Sorry, you didn’t know?  I saw a rent boy blowing him last week in the back of a car parked at a male strip club.  As your friend, I though I should tell you.

In celebration of your nuptials, I plan to extract my cat’s massive hairball with olive oil and a straw that evening.  I may even nosh on it for dessert.

Regrets,

Weary in Washington.

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This Post Has 9 Comments

  1. Tamsen

    Oh my, quite the letter there Robin. But I agree, what is it that gives all the “young” folk these days the idea that they have to do these wild “prom-posals” and crazy-ass weddings. It’s as if it has nothing whatsoever to do with the actual relationship or emotional connection, and it has all been replaced by how much attention can be gained from everyone else, or how many presents can be demanded. It’s disgusting.

    1. thelmaup

      Buwahhhhahaha! Fucking love this one!

  2. echinachea

    Great response! Let’s hope Weary sends your most excellent letter, or something similarly to the point! This ‘Zilla’ needs a good dose of reality, and what a perfect way for Weary to rid herself of not just the wedding obligation but the “friendship” as well. Bride sounds like a total loser.

  3. Chad

    Laughing My Freaking Ass off! Great response Robin… keep up the good work!~

  4. Elaine

    If this bride wants all of these events (which to me are totally over the top!), she should be the one paying for it. Why the Hell would anyone expect it to be on someone else’s dime????

  5. raftman

    Based on my life experience, I think your “theory” is spot-on – “the more obsessed a woman is with her wedding, the less she will be present and accounted for in her marriage, and therefore the greater the likelihood of divorce.” I’d give her 5 years, 10 at the most, but 3 wouldn’t surprise me….

  6. Keith Stone

    LMAO! hitting the share button over and over again!

  7. Clint

    Just what I needed this morning!

  8. Ella Stewart

    I lost a cousin and her family in a very similar situation. She thought the world revolved around her. Ex: after the engagement party, a night of dancing and feasting for which we flew in to attend, she decided to throw a fit because we did not attend her “after party” —I am well over 40 and my feet were killing me. Anyway, just want to add to Tamsen’s comment: I get that we are a country which values the “individual” , but a wedding is as much (if not more) about two families coming together –when I was growing up you recognized it as a family event with considerations for elders and so on. I say this because as an older woman catering to a brat, she did not even acknowledge the life-threatening surgery my father (her uncle) went through because she was so into her “day.” My advice get out while you can.

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