This week’s Friday Feedback has been converted into the Friday
Rant Clever Observation. Today I want to talk about gay marriage, or more specifically, gay divorce.
As we celebrate the landmark decision handed down this morning by the US Supreme Court, I am appalled at the blatant and cynical bid for business some divorce lawyers are engaging in: posting ridiculous bullshit on the Internet about their “deep commitment to gay rights.”
This is not about your support of the gay community.
This is about money.
DICKS Can Smell Money from Ten Thousand Miles Away
If we assume 10% of the population is gay, we can assume at least 5% of those people will be divorced at least once in their lifetime.
In other words, the DICKs (Divorce Industrial Complex Kingpins) just got about 16 million new clients.*
Today, 16 million Americans have been given the right to marry and to be later cut to ribbons by a system that is as massive and as broken as Ann Coulter’s adam’s apple and moral compass, respectively.
Today, 16 million Americans face a future in which they can be forced into lifetime indentured servitude, also known as permanent or “indefinite” alimony, if they serve as the primary wage-earner in a relationship that ends in divorce.
Today, 16 million Americans have the potential to wind up in a courtroom with a judge defining a “contract” that was never written down, defined, negotiated, agreed to, or understood by either party unless they had the presence of mind to marry with an iron-clad prenuptial agreement.
With the divorce rate hovering around 50% for 1st marriages, you’d think the government would explain what marriage is when you apply for a license. After all, the government cares about us! Here in Portland, Oregon, our city council cares about us so much that they have made smoking illegal anywhere except your basement.
With the lights off.
And a sign around your neck that says, “I am ashamed of myself.” Thanks, Nurse Amanda Fritz!
But the government does not explain marriage before you tie the knot. They don’t even try.
Robin Visits the Government and Learns a Lesson!
I went to our local DIS (Divorce Incubation Station) to speak with a Multnomah County employee about applying for a marriage license. It was the most hilarious exchange I’ve had for a while, and that’s saying something because I am funnier than shit.
I walked up to the counter and greeted the man: white as white can be and sporting what looked like alfalfa sprouts on his hipster chin. I think they were there ironically.
“Hey now!” I chirped. “I’m here to talk about a marriage license!”
The man instantly reached into his files and started pulling out documents.
“Oh, I don’t need a marriage license,” I said. “I’m already married. See this pretty ring Mr. Patience and Understanding gave me? He’s so great. Do you read my blog?”
He blinked twice, sighed, and gave me a look of exasperation.
“Huh?” he questioned. I guess he doesn’t read my blog. That’s OK, it’s not for everyone.
I grinned my best grin at the man and squeezed my arms together to increase my cleavage. You’d be surprised what men will do for me when I flash them a little bit of Love Pillow Canyon.
“I’m writing a book about divorce and part of my research involves the government’s role in the process. You gotta admit, that process starts here, am I right?”
He blinked again and started looking around for assistance from his comrades.
“How can I help you?” he offered. I don’t think he really wanted to help me but his supervisor was now looming over him, munching a Voodoo Cock-and-Balls donut, trying to get a sense of what was happening and whether I might be a terrorist.
“So you know how we have all these laws and regulations that protect consumers when they sign a contract? Like when they buy stuff or borrow money? Have you ever bought a car? Remember how long that contract was? A lot of those words are in there because the government makes the lender put them in there. To protect us! Cool, right?”
He farted, surprising himself, but without any shame. I liked this guy. In my head, I named him “Chad.”
“I don’t have a car,” Chad bragged. “Cars pollute the environment and make you fat. It’s disgusting how fat people are in this country. If more rode bikes instead of driving everywhere…”
His words tumbled out but I didn’t hear them. I was wearing a sleeveless dress and suddenly felt embarrassed. Was Chad chiding me and making a comment on my chubby arms?
Suddenly my cleavage didn’t seem so valuable. I uncrossed my arms and tried again.
“Since the courts have said that marriage is a contract, I was wondering if Multnomah County has a document explaining the rights and obligations that ensue when one gets married. Is there anything here that you give to people seeking a marriage license so they understand the ramifications of taking this step?”
Chad was not amused. His boss was gone; storming off at his comment about drivers being fat. I sensed he had preached to this particular choir before.
“No,” he said.
What Did Robin Learn?
The government is not here to help, at least not insofar as marital law, which when you squint your eyes a bit looks a lot like “martial law,” doesn’t it? How appropriate!
They aren’t interested in educating you about what marriage means so you can make smart decisions. They only step in when money is involved:
1. Issuing marriage licenses; and
2. Controlling divorce court.
Back to Divorce Lawyers and Gay Marriage
The divorce lawyers I know who are ethical and good people would never think to link their business interests and advertising to the issue of gay marriage.
These are lawyers who absolutely support gay rights but who also know how unseemly it is to promote their practice on the backs of the activists who got us to this monumental moment in history.
Proclaiming your support (real or mercenary) for gay marriage in your divorce lawyer advertising is so sleazy and unintentionally funny that one has to wonder about the lawyers engaging in this behavior. Are they really that cretinous and downright thick? Should we be worried about a brain tumor or dementia?
I know a divorce lawyer who many people “in the know” have told me is a raging homophobe, which isn’t surprising considering where she was raised. She once threatened to “out” a bisexual opposing party to his extremely conservative and religious boss if he didn’t capitulate to her demands.
This same lawyer has an office filled with young and impressionable gay employees who have no idea how she really views them. And her Facebook page crows about the firm’s support of gay rights when in actuality, it’s all about the money.
More marriage = more divorce.
Gay friends and readers, this is a spectacular moment in our country’s history and I am so thrilled to be living in this time. Please do not take offense at my rant today, because my goal is to protect each and every one of you so you don’t end up as grist in the divorce mill.
I have no financial motivation here, just a passion for fairness. Understand what you are getting into before you get married.
*Math is not my strong suit but I think this is fairly close.