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Friday Feedback: I am DYING Over Here

Dear Readers:

I’ll be brief.

I finally wrapped up my response to the bar complaint filed against me by another unhappy reader.

It is 43 pages long.

It is possibly funnier than anything I have ever written.

It is a brutal but honest excoriation of someone who needs to hear some hard truths about her conduct and that of those with whom she surrounds herself.

In other words, you have no idea how much it is killing me not to post this online.

Remember when I wrote earlier this week that I’ve made my point?  In addition to other changes, I swore I would not post this response on my blog.  I made a promise to myself not to give oxygen to a drama queen and I’m going to keep to that promise.

But oh my god, how it hurts.

I feel as if I’ve given birth to the most perfect and beautiful child in the world: a child who came sliding out of my birth canal speaking fluent French and singing all the songs from “Hamilton,” (my new obsession, in case you hadn’t noticed).

It’s that good.

It’s that good.

You know how you feel when a sneeze is stolen or you can’t quite get “there” during SexyTime®?”  That’s how I feel today.

Still, a promise is a promise.  I’m happy to email it to anyone who requests it so please add your name to the growing list by sending me a plea for 43 pages of “Oh No She Didn’t! Awesome Sauce” at: robin@robindescamp.com.

My day over-runneth with book duties so I’ll leave you now with this poem:

The Blogger’s Dilemma 

Oh god, you know I’m trying to change my ways, baby

but sometimes my head is in a daze, maybe

maybe I should not shut up?

maybe I should not backup?

Maybe I should fill my cup?

Fuck being a grownup!

I ain’t got no hangup!

 

Oh god, you know I’m trying to change my ways, honey

and yeah I know I need to make some big (money)

but maybe I should just keep pressing?

No more repressing!

Fuck window dressing!

That shit’s depressing!

Would that be transgressing?

 

Ah fuck it, I know you’re right, people.

When you get down in the mud with pigs, it’s fecal.

My journey’s long and it has just started

and this road ain’t for the fainthearted

these waters unchartered

I won’t be outsmarted

apologies to you, because I just farted

desc_logo

A reader commented below I should at the least just include a sampling from the response: my paraphrased yet frighteningly accurate version of a severance agreement.  Here you go!

Robin DesCamp’s Version of an Employment Termination Agreement!

We, Company, are hereby terminating your employment. 

You are a whiny, difficult pain in the ass and an embarrassment to our organization. You come in late, you leave early, and your attitude sucks. You wear too much perfume, too. That’s not really a job performance issue but it’s frankly discourteous to others.

We, Company, would rather you GTFO of here with some of our money in your pocket than darken our doorstep one more day. Rebuilding morale after you leave will take a good deal of time so we’d prefer to start now. Did we mention your teammates despise you?

Since you are a member of ___________ federal/state/local protected class and since you have made vague/not-so-vague litigation threats to various members of the management team, we, Company, figure it will save precious and scarce resources to scoot you out the door with this cash rather than deal with legal proceedings and the fees and publicly that go with them. 

Our willingness to settle is also based upon our own screw-up. For the one millionth time we forgot to paper the personnel file with documentation of an employee’s awfulness, namely yours, thereby exposing us to a poor outcome should this case come to trial.

In exchange for the amount of $____________, you, Awful Employee, promise to: 

1. GTFO like, yesterday; 

2. Give us back our stuff if you’ve got any of it; 

3. Promise not to sue us; and 

4. STFU.

“STFU” means as much as you’d like to tell everyone in town that we are agist/racist/homophobic/sexist/transphobic/anti-Semitic violators of the Americans with Disabilities Act, you can’t. 

Keep you mouth shut, see, or we’ll snatch this money back for breach of this provision in liquidated damages equal to your severance so fast your head will spin.

They call it “hush money” for a reason, see, so sign below, take your check, and keep your mouth shut or we will do a take-backsie.

Best of luck in your new endeavors and don’t even think about ever trying to work here again.

Signed,

__________________ _____________________

Company                                Awful Employee

PS: You’ll never work in this town again.

This Post Has 25 Comments

  1. PDXATTY

    Holy.
    Shit.

    Thank you for emailing that to me. Where do I send the dry cleaning bill for pissing my pants and the IT bill for the coffee I sprayed all over my laptop this morning?

    Wow – you don’t pull any punches, do you? How do you think the OSB will react?

    To everyone out there but especially lawyers, you are cheating yourself out of serious entertainment if you don’t order a copy of Robin’s latest bar response. Didn’t someone comment the other day you should publish these together? I agree!

  2. teresa whitebear

    please send it to me. I can’t wait.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      What did you think?

  3. Jenn

    Please send it to me!

  4. Robin DesCamp

    I have gotten more than two dozen requests for this in the past hour so please be patient. Also, I would appreciate your feedback in the comments here. It’s the least you can do for me providing you such delicious and free entertainment!

  5. Isaac Laquedem

    Your response to the bar is absolutely fabulous, but then, having read your response to the other complaint, I knew it would be nothing less than outstanding. The only downside is that your responses are so good that you’ll encourage people to file complaints with the bar simply to get your work for free.

  6. Former Client/victim

    Hey Robin I have a few questions for you:

    1. Do you have a bodyguard?
    2. Do you have a home security system?
    3. Do have any concerns about your personal safety?

    Be careful out there!

    1. Robin DesCamp

      I would be terribly concerned if I didn’t recognize you as a commenter and know from your history you are Robin-friendly! Let me answer your questions:
      1. No, I do not have a bodyguard. You know who did have bodyguards? JFK, RFK, and Reagan. I’ll take my chances.

      2. If I did or if I didn’t, I’m sure I would not advertise it here. I assume you are speaking of a system in addition to Archie the Drunken Chihuahua and Margot the Princess. They bark when the wind rustles the leaves in the trees and I feel constantly irritated yet safe when that happens. Also, if I have any stalkers out there who mean to do me harm, I’ve been reading up on Katko v. Briney so consider yourselves warned.

      3.Beyond the usual concerns everyone has? No. This isn’t international intrigue, you know. It’s just some people with different opinions on how things should be poking each other (but not in a fun way).

  7. Love the responses to bar complaints--keep 'em coming!

    Absolutely.Fabulous.

    And completely spot on!

    Not only do you fully address each nonsensical aspect of the completely specious complaint, it’s another exposé of Samantha’s need to blame everything that is wrong in her life on someone else.

    It also highlights her (and/or her lawyers’–it’s hard to tell!) inability to analyze logically. Of course you were extorting her to stop doing something she hadn’t even started doing before you even knew about her!

    I could go on and on about the fabulousness, but I want to go back to read the new definition of the squishy hopes put to paper.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Thank you for your thoughtful response, but if I am to obey your screen name and keep them coming, someone else will have to step up and be offended by my words enough to file against me. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

  8. BandarBush

    Given the length of your response, one has to assume you began drafting it long before your Tuesday blog: “I think I Made my Point.” Therefore, your Oregon State Bar response is grandfathered into your prior blog format and directives. What I mean to convey is that you have to post this – there is nothing negative about it. This is a stellar example of your comedy talents at work. You will be doing yourself a disservice if you only provide this to those with the sense to ask for it.

    Also the poem today was fabulous. I can tell from the cadence and style what a Hamilton fan you are because I see a resemblance. I too am a huge fan of the musical and I too am doing all I can to find tickets but so far, no luck.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it! I may change my mind and give it a spot when I further develop my “writing” page of the website.

  9. Tamsen

    Truly a brilliant response to the OSB complaint. And yes, the longer definition of “squishy hopes put to paper” had me cracking up.

    I would say that if you know that a certain red and black Mini Cooper belongs to Samantha, I would alert the cops. That shit’s not good.

    I hope Mr. Engel is able to prevail in his future dealings with the DICKS and I’m sorry that Judge Allen turned into a complete idiot. Hopefully her bizarro ruling will be overturned somewhere along the meandering, expensive and nasty course that this case takes.

  10. Sam

    If I were looking for a job this complaint would be the LAST THING I would want any employer seeing. You should have used her name. She’s trashing you to your professional organization publicly and your response was great but I don’t see why you didn’t put her name in the record. Wasn’t her name on the complaint? It’s a matter of public record, right? How do I get a copy of the complaint she filed against you?

    I work in HR for a manufacturing company and we have been doing extensive background checks for some time on prospective employees. If I came across this sort of thing my first instinct would be to think this is not a stable or secure person. You really get a sense from her own words how much of a victim she feels herself to be.

    Robin, as one of your out and proud readers I have to agree that the worst allegation against you was for being homophobic or transphobic or bigoted in any way. I have never gotten that impression from anything you’ve written but have in fact gotten the opposite impression. You hold people accountable for their shit regardless of their “status” as whatever their status might be.

    Thanks for emailing this to me. I’ve shared it with several of my lawyer friends, one of whom said, “Funny you should send this to me because I’ve already seen it and forwarded it to others. Good stuff. She doesn’t seem afraid of controversy, that’s for sure!” So it’s already pretty popular in Portland, funny girl. Keep it up!

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Sam, thanks for the lengthy comment. Comments back to you!

      1. I don’t make hiring decisions at my company because my company is me and me alone. However, I used to be a part of the hiring process in other organizations and especially a part of the process when employment situations went wrong. A document like this would be deeply concerning. Deeply. Can you imagine what this author would be like to work with? Oy vey.

      2. I stated before why I’m not using her name: I don’t want the mom and kids to have to risk further embarrassment and pain because of Samantha’s actions. Also important, I know Samantha wants so badly for me to do just that. I won’t give her the satisfaction. She may have trashed me in that bar complaint but can you tell now that you’ve read it how concerned I am? How many fucks I have to give when someone like that writes a document like that? About as concerned as I was when the biggest DICK of all pretended to be a member of my golf club via a cowardly anonymous nasty-gram. The biggest bullies are always the biggest cowards, don’t you think?

      3. If you want a copy ask the OSB.

      4. No I am definitely not homo or trans hating or phobic or discriminatory. What a bizarre accusation and, might I add, the first time in my entire life I have been called that. People like Samantha piss me off. If you want to criticize my writing, do so from a place of reality. She should change her last name to “Victim.”

      5. Your last comment was the best because I’ve heard it three times already – not the exact same thing but that someone tried to forward it and the person already had it and was loving it. God I hope someone files another complaint against me so I can make this into a book.

  11. Michael Cox

    Excellent! So entertaining a read, and WOW, She (complainant), and her alleged co-conspirators really need to get a grip.

    With all the drama, combined with your sharp wit in the telling of the story, this would make a great movie….. or mini-series. I can see it on the screen in my mind, the story told through the narration of the brilliant and funny blogger via the complaint. It would be the next smash hit. You should contact HBO.

    And FYI, you look absolutely stunningly hot in the black dress, and no need for botox.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Michael, please feel free to send anyone you know in power in the television industry my way. I would love to write this as a show or better yet, a musical! Thank you for the compliment but the dress is multi-colored. Your observation that it’s black renders your opinion I look good in it less believable, because clearly you need glasses.

      1. Michael Cox

        Ha! Blackish brownish reddish. I do need glasses. You referred to a black dress you had wore to the gathering so I said black. I will send all my famous Hollywood connections your way. They number somewhere from 0-100.

  12. Isaac Laquedem

    Even if you publish nothing else from your response to the bar, your rendition of the employment termination agreement is so hilarious and dead-on accurate that it deserves a wider audience.

  13. LawProffer

    The links within the response are great. I’ve been following you for about one year along with my colleagues and I agree with your post: this is possibly the funniest thing you’ve written. It’s not just funny, though, it’s a searing and logical response to a pitiful bar complaint. The complaint itself is interesting because I noted a few things that jump out as painfully obvious:

    1. As you noted repeatedly, this bar complaint was almost certainly written by a lawyer. Regardless of how intelligent someone may be, a non-lawyer would not have interpreted the rules in quite the same way as a lawyer and written the complaint in the way they did.

    2. It is clear Complainant hopes the bar complaint will serve as a springboard for a civil case against you. When the OSB clears you I hope Complainant will wake up to the futility of such a lawsuit and as you said earlier, I can’t imagine any lawyer taking on this case. Perhaps she intends to file it pro se but if so I feel badly for her. I can imagine given this bar response just how thoroughly you would destroy her in a lawsuit with one intellectual hand tied behind your back.

    3. If I understand correctly, the judge is forcing the children to have parenting time. Is that the case? How does that work, exactly? Are they restrained and forced into a room with their father? How is the mother being held accountable if the children do not wish to see their dad? I wonder if you’d give the readers some clarification on the “APP” because I don’t quite understand how it works.

    4. I’d also appreciate some clarification on how the judge essentially overruled her decisions in the divorce by her later decision in the fee petition matter. What evidence did she allow at the fee hearing that was improper? Can you explain that further? If that is the case will mom appeal the decision?

    5. Will you marry me?

    You have a big fan club here, DesCamp. Don’t stop what you’re doing.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Lawproffer:
      Love your name. Not sure if you are making a contracts pun or identifying yourself as a law professor but like it anyway. Thanks for your comments! I love numbered comments because they are so easy to respond to.
      1. I would bet my entire savings account this was largely ghostwritten, with Complainant filling in the paranoid victim parts. I can’t prove it, of course, but I am certain about that as I am that it will rain today.
      2. Note in the email Complainant acknowledges she knows the bar complaint will provide a reaction from me. She wants it to and I agree, she wants it in part for my attention and in part because she has a crazy dream of suing me in a defamation case. I suppose when one has liquidated all their assets and delivered them unto the coffers of their divorce counsel, they must seek additional revenue streams. However, to say this stream has no fish for Complainant is the understatement of the century. And yet she is being encouraged in this endeavor, I believe by people who know such a suit would be impossible. How do they know that? Perhaps their own lawyer has told them that, or they actually can grasp the legal tests for a defamation claim.
      3. Questions #3 and #4 deal with things that are still fluid given the latest litigation, so I won’t be answering. Sorry! I am not willing to once again become the smokescreen/red herring in this case. Not gonna do it! Complainant and her counsel can argue the facts that matter, not my little blog.
      5. I am happily married. You know this, LawProffer. I do not think Mr. Patience and Understanding would remain either should I seek to take a second husband. I appreciate the offer, however, and will reconsider should my circumstances change. Please send a photo of the ring you are proposing with so I can be prepared to make my decision based solely upon the shallow substance of the three Cs.

  14. Bud

    Oh, Robin, how I love thee and your snarky, witty, and amazing writing prowess. I so enjoyed your response to the frivolous complaint and only wish I could be a fly on the wall watching Samantha explode as she reads this. She is SUCH a victim. Perhaps if she had waited, AS THEY REQUESTED, to transition from Sam to Samantha, the children wouldn’t feel so betrayed by their father. I hope in the future she can respect her children’s needs before her own. Based on her history, I doubt it.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Bud, thank you for your comment. Dad’s refusal to listen to the kids regarding how and when the transition would occur must have been hard on them, but one could imagine after a good deal of time and work they could come to an understanding about why things happened as they did. Remember the last page of my complaint response and the “I gotta be me” meme? I understand why someone who lived a life that was not authentic to their heart would want to get started on being who they truly are as soon as possible. I don’t think Samantha handled it well, but I can understand it.

      What I cannot understand and I think the kids will struggle with as well is why mom is always being dragged back into litigation by Samantha. I don’t know how many readers have been involved personally in litigation but it fucking SUCKS. I love my parents but if I were witnessing this case from a child’s perspective and seeing my dad sue my mom over and over again when she is trying so hard to get her life back on track, I’m not sure I would ever forgive him. Seriously. Kids can forgive a lot but if they love both parents, they may draw the line at reunification and reconciliation when one keeps attacking the other. Just my humble opinion, and one for which I am sure I’ll have to answer in a bar complaint response soon.

  15. DOMREL

    I can’t count how many times I laughed out loud reading this over the weekend. My girlfriend and I argued over our favorite parts but mine had to be this:

    “Hmm…interesting theory. The outrageous audacity of its impossibility is nearly sufficient to convince the reader of its veracity – but only if the reader were an extremely dim house cat. Assuming you do not have catnip on your desk and a litter box at your feet, I’ll assume you won’t be buying this particular load of cattle feces.”

    Being familiar with the process I know Complainant/Samantha will have the opportunity to respond to your response. I wonder how she will deal with the “reality of the space-time continuum,” as you wrote in another part of this wonderful document? How can she argue you attempted to extort her in defiance of the calendar?

    Promise your readers you will update when you receive Complainant’s next complaint or response to this?

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Thank you for your comment. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I went through it again just now and tried to find a favorite passage but couldn’t narrow it down to just one that I think takes the cake.

      Yes, I know that sounds arrogant.

      This was fun to write:

      (Complaint)
      “This matter needs to be addressed by the Oregon State Bar to maintain the integrity of our legal system and prevent members of the bar from damaging the profession and degrading public confidence in the legal process as a whole.”

      (My Response)
      “Complainant’s lawyers have done more to damage the reputation of the legal profession and to degrade public confidence in the legal process than I could ever hope to do.

      “I could release a pornographic video in which I set the Constitution on fire while performing fellatio on an actor dressed as Judge Lance Ito. I could urinate on the flaming aforementioned Constitution, all the while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance and pounding tequila shots. My film could close with ten minutes of me getting serviced by a series of actors representing the OJ jury and Christopher Darden.

      “That filming activity by me would do 1/1000th of the damage this firm does on any given day. Come to think of it, my foray into foxy filmmaking could help the reputation of our profession. Mental note to self: call Larry Flynt to assess interest in my project. Working title: Big Lance Eat-o and the Horny Prosecutor: It’s Not Just the Gavel that’s Banging Hard!”

      As far as additional complaints coming my way: do you know something I don’t? My goodness, I would have thought Complainant shot her wad on the one submitted but I suppose she could try again. Will I post her response to my response and my response to her response to my response? Probably not, although it depends. I will, however, email those documents to people who request them.

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