Your Divorce Diet Results Have Convinced Me To Torpedo My Own Marriage E8942

Congratulations on Your Misery!

One…two…three…this fucking misery.

Four…five…six…I look different in those pics.

Seven…eight…nine…I don’t think these pants are mine.

Ten…eleven…twelve…these ones I’ll have to shelve.

Thirteen…fourteen…fifteen…did this skirt grow some in the dry clean?

Sixteen…seventeen…eighteen…getting skinny as a runner bean.

And nineteen leads to twenty…I’m a weight loss cognoscenti.

Dear Readers:

Yesterday I ran into someone I haven’t seen for a few months.  As seems to be the case when that happens these days, the person almost immediately commented on my weight.  More specifically, they commented on the LOR – Lack of Robin – that is my appearance these days.

I appreciate a compliment as much as anyone else, but not for reasons you may think.  I am an expert at deftly denying the validity of any compliment and insulting myself at the same time. It’s a special talent that runs in my family.  I am especially susceptible to comments about my weight, as I’ve struggled with it over the years and have historically based a large portion of my self-esteem on the number typed on a tag inside a pair of pants.

I’m working on it.  Don’t judge me!

So there I am at the gym, minding my own business (not true – nobody minds their own business at my gym) and along comes a woman I’ve known for about twenty years.

“Wow!  You look great!  You’re so skinny!  You look ten years younger!  You bitch!”

We laughed, I thanked her, and as I always do when someone compliments me on my appearance, I suggested she visit her eye doctor post haste.

I’m working on it.  Don’t judge me!

Unfortunately, like so many women with whom I am acquainted, the conversation focused on the superficial: the LOR and how it was achieved.

“So,” she murmured enviously,”what’s your secret?”

I looked at her – all 118 pounds of her – with her 2.5 caret diamond ring and her $3,000 purse and her $200 haircut, and I decided to be as honest and real in that moment as I could be.

“Well, in June my husband decided he’d rather not be married to me any longer.  I lost my partner, best friend, lover, and a large group of people I thought were my “family” overnight.  He had supported me in my change of career from lawyer to writer, but apparently his patience and understanding had run out.

“When he left the marriage, he left me, my son, and our two dogs (one of whom has a serious drinking problem) without financial assistance.  I wanted to stay in our house until my son graduated from high school, but my husband and his lawyer told me he would force the sale of the home.

“Because of that my son and I had to move into a rental, and soon after we did so I found out my husband is dating my new next-door-neighbor.  Do you still follow me?”

Her eyes widened and she nodded her head.  I think she was expecting to hear “I quit carbs,” or some other bullshit.  I couldn’t tell if she was fascinated or repulsed.  Perhaps she was both.

“So I had to start my business overnight, and over the past several months I have tried my best to negotiate a fair settlement with my husband.  However, he has decided he wants me to leave the marriage with 10% of what I came in with, while I estimate he will leave with around 300% of what he came in with.  Also, his income dwarfs mine by a factor of ‘a shitload.'”

She shifted her feet uncomfortably and looked around for someone to rescue her.  I understood her desire to leave, but I wasn’t done with her yet.  In order to fully captivate my audience of one, I encircled her insect-like stick of an arm with my right hand.

“I’ve begged him to talk to me but he refuses, and all communications have to go through his lawyers. Now he and his lawyers are blaming me for his legal fees. My house hasn’t sold yet, I’m scared to death most days, my husband is happier than a pig in a feces bath, and I think I might be getting a yeast infection.”

At this point my prisoner/friend started babbling excuses about why she needed to leave, and perhaps we could continue this conversation another time over lunch?  She tried to wrest away from my grasp, but like I said, she’s a tiny little bitch.  She couldn’t get away.

“You wonder how I lost weight?  I carved off twenty pounds since June because for a good month I couldn’t eat at all.  I think I choked down about 400 calories a day, tops, from July to September.  Since then, I continue to struggle with eating. Part of that is work-related, because I am working so hard to support myself that sometimes finding time to eat can be a struggle.

“But the truth is, the misery that comes with divorce, especially when you are facing several lawyers and you have none, and especially when your husband seems to have morphed into an entirely different person, poisons your appetite. I don’t even remember the last time I enjoyed food.  I make an effort every day to feed myself enough to power my body for work and the rest of life, but it’s a struggle.

“I’m not sleeping much either, so these canyon-like bags under my eyes belie your claim I look ten years younger, but thanks for the compliment.  Again, get yourself to your eye doctor.”

The woman looked at me quizzicality.  “Robin?  Are you OK?  Did you hear me?  I asked you how you lost the weight.  If you don’t want to tell me, that’s OK.  It’s none of my business.”

If this were television you could see that the entire conversation above was my fantasy telling of my weight-loss story.  The camera would focus in on my face, go a little fuzzy, etc., and you’d know that I was only imagining what I’d tell her. Of course I’d never reveal such personal information about myself, you see.

That would be embarrassing.

“I’ve just been working out and eating less carbs,” I said.  And then, just for good measure, I added, “plus, I’m getting divorced.  So that might have something to do with it.”

“Well congratulations!” she shrieked.  “Divorce sure looks good on you!”

“Better than it feels, I hope…” I muttered under my breath.

“What’s that hon?  Oh never mind, I’ve gotta run!  Let’s have drinks soon and catch up.  You look great!”

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This Post Has 26 Comments

  1. Kathy

    This was poignant, brutally honest, and funny. I don’t know how you manage to make what sounds like a tremendously difficult time funny, but you do. That’s a gift to your readers and a great talent so please keep writing.

  2. Felicia

    All that sucks and YOU are great. Hugs to you, Robin.

  3. Kevin

    Sounds like some guy is going to get jammed with some serious alimony.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      No, because I don’t want alimony. I want to leave the marriage with what I came in with, and for him to do better than that (he will leave with more than he came in with). That’s all I want. That, and to never have to see him again. Too bad nobody mentioned to me before I moved what everyone knew but me. That’s another blog for another day.

  4. Ice Queen

    Thank you for your honesty. Divorce is horribly guy wrenching and most people are ashamed to talk about how it feels.

  5. Signal Mixer

    Twenty-one, twenty-two, a brand-new you.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      …so I’m still not thin enough for you? Sigh…twenty three…twenty four…I’ve got to lose some more…

      1. Signal Mixer

        Vingt-cinq, vingt-six, quelle belle surprise!

      2. Signal Mixer

        Vingt-cinq, vingt-six, une belle litigatrice!

      3. Signal mixer

        Vingt-cinq, vingt-six, la belle litigatrice.

        1. 19th Hole habitue

          Twenty-seven, twenty-eight, and you look great.

          1. Robin DesCamp

            Twenty nine leads next to thirty – will I then to you look purdy?

  6. Teresa Whitebear

    Geesh Kevin way to kick a girl when she’s down. She never said a damn thing about alimony and if you’ve ever read her blog you would know that Robin doesn’t endorse alimony. She’s been a sucessful attorney, married 10 years and deserves an equitable division of their assests. Hugs to you Robin. Divorce sucks.

    1. Kevin

      I was poking Robin with the stick that I, unfortunately, got rammed up my nether region. I know Robin wouldn’t throw another human into the %#$%&#$hole that is alimony. Robin knows my story. Mine is the poster child for why alimony laws (***most particularly in Oregon***) are criminal. Simply, criminal.

  7. Jimmy

    Speaking of “misery” are you going to write about the Portland Golf Club election? You know why things went that way, right? Someone commented somewhere else that the Arlington Club would prefer you as a member and same goes for PGC. People out there care about you and think what’s happening right now is rotten (especially the spouse members and you know why).

    Please hire a lawyer. This isn’t something you should do yourself especially when you have to take care of your family and your own clients. Maybe someone will represent you for free?

    1. Robin DesCamp

      1. I don’t know. Maybe. I haven’t decided yet. I’ve received several messages regarding the election and I need some time to sort through them all and see if it’s something I care enough about to dive into. I have a meeting next week with a much-awarded writer who wants me to tell my story for either the Oregonian or a major magazine so for now I am going to sit tight until I have a better idea what he is thinking about for publication. As for being a member there – no way. I have way too many happy memories out there, including my wedding, to ever want to go back. I never want to set foot on that property again. Ever. It makes me ill just thinking about it.

      2. Are you offering to pay? If so, please email me robin@robindescamp.com. Otherwise, I’m on my own. It’s good experience for me! I have no business taking pro bono time from anyone – that should go to the truly unfortunate who don’t have the education and skills to go it alone. I can do this! But thank you.

  8. 19th Hole habitue

    The inside whispers at PGC are that the leading candidate for the presidency threw away his shot when he dropped his running mate from the ticket.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      He did not realize she was actually at the top of the ticket. No need to pump up the audience for applause when Mrs. Patience and Understanding was in the room. There’s a lot more to the election and what actually happened than simply coming in second. The effort that went into it and the reasons why are fascinating. He was meant to come in second, you see. Not first, and not last.

  9. PGC Wife

    You were missed at the ball, Cinderella. Your absence was notable, as was his lack of shame. Many wondered for years what drew you to him. He’s now more in his proper element. Be happy.

  10. Robin DesCamp

    I’ve heard from many PGC wives, a.k.a. “spouse members,” there is a good deal of anger over the improper ousting of a spouse member from the club in violation of club rules and bylaws. I’ve heard that many of those women are now wondering if their husband finds a new Cinderella to bring to the ball, do they suddenly have no rights at the club? I’ve also heard from many male members as well. People who have asked me about possible brain tumors (not mine), etc. I was actually invited to the President’s Ball by a member and while it would have been an interesting exercise for writing, in the end the idea was repulsive to me. It’s bad enough I have to worry about running into him when he sleeps over at my neighbor’s house (and remember, neither one of them told me about their relationship until AFTER I moved in here, and it had been going on for quite some time). The last thing I want to do is see him at the golf club. That’s his territory and I hope he enjoys it, because I hear it’s become quite a chilly place for him these days.

  11. Susan B.

    What’s the next step for you? When will you get divorced? Are you going to have a trial? Who is his lawyer? Is he a DICK? How are you and your son doing? When will you update us? Why do I have so many questions!? Ha ha!

    1. Robin DesCamp

      1. Mediation is scheduled on December 21, but he is refusing to provide me any documents for mediation and I have to represent myself, while he has at least two lawyers, so I’m not sure how it’s going to go.
      2. The final divorce date depends on how mediation goes. This could drag on for a while. I have made several offers recently – all have been ignored. I am considering seeking an annulment based upon fraud. No, I’m not joking.
      3. His lawyer is Tom Bittner, Esq. No comment at this time on DICK status.
      4. Jake is doing great. I worry about the lesson he had to learn about people this year, but I suppose we all need to be tremendously disappointed by someone we love in order for us to form a realistic idea of the world around us, as well as to teach us lessons about to whom we should give our loyalty and affection. Not everyone deserves it, that’s for certain.
      5. I am doing fine. I am doing as well as can be expected, given the circumstances. I am certainly not off with a lover for Vacation #3 since June like my son’s former stepfather, but I find joy and peace in the little things in life these days, like hanging out with Jake. And smaller pants! And digging clams, helping people, my dogs, reading, exercise, and work. I have a lot to learn about litigation so I spend a good deal of time educating myself on the rules.
      6. I am updating you with these comments. You’re welcome.
      7. I don’t know why you have so many questions. Would you like to write me a letter seeking advice about that?

  12. Miss Piggy LH

    Are you ever going to write anything more on your “Anatomy of a Disaster” series? Especially now since your stupid bar complaint was dismissed? We are waiting.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Indeed. But my main priority is self-support, self-care, and completing my divorce right now. The series will return soon enough. Thanks for asking!

  13. Karen C

    Thank you for sharing this with your readers! I am sure there are so many out there who can relate and empathize (including myself).It is so wonderful to read such a funny but relateable experience. Rebuilding yourself afterwards is oftentimes harder than the divorce itself. This really reminded me of a book that was recommended to me called, “The Accidental Divorcee” by Laura Scott (http://theaccidentaldivorcee.com/). It is a unique guide on grieving and tapping into the healing power within yourself so that you can move on. I also thought it was particularly unique because it is written from both the perspective from the leaver and the person who was left. After reading this I felt recharged and I have been telling everyone about it. I really hope you and your readers will check it out. Good luck to all during this difficult time.

    1. Robin DesCamp

      Thanks! I too am writing a book called “Autopsy of a Mirage: Surviving Divorce and the End of a Dream.” It’s the best work I’ve ever done – hands down – and I hope it is helpful to others. I’ll post a chapter excerpt Tuesday.

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