Comcast Customer Service

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For your Saturday evening reading pleasure: my experience with what Comcast calls “customer service” but which most of us would label “fuckery.”  I don’t have time to proof read so please ignore any errors and stop finding reasons to criticize me!

Enjoy, and don’t drink and drive or forget to share my blog.  Love you all,

Robin

CHAT ID: 19888766-EA67-409A-B9E1-AE67C4ED3FDB

Problem: I need to access my account and am authorized but the site won’t let me. Last four digits of primary account holder’s snn are (redacted). Please provide me my account number!

Vikas: Hello Robin_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Vikas. Please give me one moment to review your information. Hello! It’s a privilege to have you here on chat and I am looking forward to provide you excellent service!

Robin_: My Issue: I need to access my account and am authorized but the site won’t let me. Last four digits of primary account holder’s son are (redacted). Please provide me my account number!

Vikas: To ensure we are on the same page, I understand that you need to reset your password for your online account. Is that correct?

Robin_ : No, that is not correct. I need my account number

Vikas : Thank you for confirming
Vikas: I will definitely provide you your account number
Vikas : I would request you to please allow me to ask a couple of question
Vikas : I hope that will not bother you

Robin_ : I also need to schedule an appt for someone to come to my house because ever since I installed new router my internet is screwed up
Robin_ : go ahead

Vikas: Thank you.
Vikas: For account security & verification purpose, please provide the complete address where the services are installed. Please include Apt/unit #, State & Zip.

Robin_ : (redacted) Portland, OR 97229

Vikas: Thank you.
Vikas: Could you please also confirm your last four of SSN ?

Robin_: (redacted)

Vikas: Thank you.
Vikas : Your account number is (redacted)
Vikas : And to solve your appointement problem , I need to transfer this chat to our scheduled department to provide or arrange a technician as I am from different department
Vikas: Shall I transfer this chat with your permission

Robin_ : yes please

Vikas :Thank you.
Vikas : Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

Robin_ :hello???
Robin_ :Is anyone going to help me schedule an appointment??
Robin_ :Comcast “customer service” continues to impress!
Robin_ : HELLOOOOOOO???
Robin_: You know, direct TV is looking better and better every day…
Robin_: hellooo

Robin_: I need to schedule an appt

Faraz: Robin, I am here. Please stay connected.

Robin_: do you have any idea how long it took for this chat to be transferred?

Robin_: helloooooo???

Faraz: Robin, as I checked your name is not registered as authorized user on account.

Robin_: that is bullshit

Faraz: I am just checking that only.

Robin_: I am indeed an authorized user. I am the wife of Tom Sand

Faraz: May I have your Full name.

Robin_: Robin C. DesCamp

Faraz: Robin, I apologize I did check the account 3 to 4 times, it is not showing you as the authorized user to the account.

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Robin_: OK, Tom Sand here.

Robin_: My wife left the keyboard. You made her cry. That’s my job! LOL

Faraz: Robin, if you are the owner of the account than you will need to chat with your name on the account with a new chat session due to security purpose of the account.

Faraz: I do understand and apologize for the inconvenience.

Robin_: Does it not seem odd that I was helped by the person before?

Robin_: See?? Up above there? Vikas helped me. And you will not?

Faraz: Robin, I do understand and I apologize on his behalf, but as I checked the account your name is not registered as the authorized user

Robin_: You neither understand nor apologize. Explain to me why I have been able to use the chat feature several times until you came on board. I’m listening

Robin_: I AM ON THIS ACCOUNT. I HAVE BEEN FOR YEARS

Faraz: I will raise a peer feedback for the previous rep, do not worry.

Robin_: What? You are going to tattletale on him for HELPING ME? LOL – Comcast is the best!

Faraz: Robin, your name should be registered as the authorized user by the account holder for us to make any changes to the account.

Robin_: I AM NOT MAKING CHANGES> I am trying to schedule an appt!

Robin_: Wait, is this some sort of a joke? Am I on camera? Or are you truly trying to be as unhelpful as possible?

Robin_: Answer me: can you help me schedule an appt?

Faraz: Robin, there is going to be a call made to the owner of the account or confirmation from him to make you the authorized user.

Faraz: Please allow me 2 minutes.

Robin_: Thank you so much. Not for your help, because what happened here was the opposite of help. Instead, thank you for your participation in what is going to be an awesome article for the newspaper I write for.

Robin_: He is golfing. He will not pick up his phone

Faraz: Robin, thank you for the information.

Faraz: Robin, the account owner needs to come and chat with us with his own name and make you the authorized user. That’s all he needs to do.

Robin_: HE IS GOLFING.

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Faraz: As you are saying he is golfing and will not pick up his phone, Would you like me to make the call to the account holder or you can ask him to chat with us and make you the authorized user to his account ?

Faraz: May I have your preference ?

Robin_: Can I chat with your supervisor please? Because I just wrote “he will not pick up his phone” and you then suggest we call him. Is English a 4th or 5th language for you?

Faraz: Cretainly.

Faraz: Certainly*Faraz: Kindly stay connected while I put you through my supervisor.

Faraz: It may take 3 to 6 minutes basis the availability as all the supervisors may be on another chat but I shall try to make this as quick as possible for you.

Robin_: I hope this doesn’t take as long as the last transfer. I need to wax my surfboard.

Faraz: Do not worry, he will be connecting with you soon.

Faraz: Please stay connected.
Atul kumar: I would be glad to give my best service to help you. How are you doing today?

Robin_: Terrible. Dealing with Comcast “customer service” is about as pleasurable as a D and C

Atul kumar: I apologize for the inconvenience caused to you.

Atul kumar: Please allow me few moment.

Robin_: I’ve received several apologies from Comcast on a number of issues lately. May I please have some service instead?

Atul kumar: Robin, your chat has been mistakenly transferred to other rep instead of Supervisor. However, you need not worry, I am transferring the chat to Supervisor. Please stay with me.

Robin_: Are you familiar with the acronym “LOL”?

Atul kumar: Yes, but I apologize for the inconvenience.

Atul kumar: I am transferring the chat to Supervisor as chat has been transferred to me. I am also a Rep. I am not the Supervisor.

Atul kumar: am transferring the chat to Supervisor

Robin_: And how long will that take?

Atul kumar: It will take few seconds.

Atul kumar: Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

user Robin has entered room

analyst Anuj has entered room

Waiting for response from Atul kumar

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Anuj: Good Evening,This is the Supervisor in the Shift.Please stay connected while I review the chat transcript.

Robin_: It’s a real doozie. Enjoy!
Anuj: Robin,I do Understand that You want to schedule a technician .

Robin_: Bravo! Let’s do that, shall we?

Anuj: Robin,I would be more than happy to do that unfortunately we do have to complete the Verifiaction part.

Anuj: As per the account information your name is not added as an authorized user.

Robin_: I have been an authorized user on this account for years. This is completely ridiculous. Do you think I am really some random person trying to schedule an appointment for service as a prank or something? What is wrong with you people?

Anuj: Robin.I have checked the account and the notes unfortunately I am unable to see your name under the authorized user.

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Robin_: I am canceling all comcast services tomorrow based upon this experience and others.

Robin_: I’d rather teach myself how to read than deal with Comcast ever again

Anuj: Robin,I sincerely apologies for the Inconveniance caused,Though I hope you will understand that we are bound to clear the Verification before we can make any changes for the Security purpose.

Robin_: I AM NOT MAKING CHANGES! I WANT A SERVICE TECH AT MY HOUSE!

Anuj: Robin,Changes and scheduling can only be done on completion of proper verification.

Robin_: Have you seen this, by chance?

http://youtu.be/KMcny_pixDw

Anuj: No Robin,I have not seen it,neither we can access it.

Robin_:Robin_: So even if I have last 4 of his social security number you can’t help me?

Anuj: Unfortuntely no Robin.We cannot.

Robin_: FYI: the title of the video is “Comcast Doesn’t Give a Fuck.”  It’s hilarious, but mostly because it’s so true. You should check it out.

Anuj: Robin,I do understand your concern but I hope you will also understand that without being ad authorized user If I process any request it would directly breach the security of account.

Robin_: Thank you. Say hello to your mullah for me.

Robin_: See, that’s the thing. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AN AUTHORIZED USER

Anuj: Robin,I have double checked the account and still not able to verify your name as an authorized user.

Robin_: Don’t make me come over there. I’m on the do-not-fly list and it will be a real hassle.
Robin_: Hello?

Anuj: Robin,I sincerely apologies,I was again checking the account and still couldn’t verify your name as an authorized user.

Robin_: May I have your permission to use this chat in my stand-up routine? Please do not confuse my request for your permission with an assertion that such permission is required or respected.

Robin_: I’m funny: like Tina Fey but with bigger boobs and not as smart. You should come check out my show next time your employer unchains you from your desk and lets you out of the windowless cave in which you dwell, earning pennies working for the corporate version of Beelzebub.

Robin_: Hello? Are you on a smoke break? Are those cloves?

Anuj: Robin,I am right here.

Robin_: I fear our time together may be coming to an end. How are you feeling about that? Do you feel “Comcastic?”

Anuj: Robin,I know you are a unhappy with the experience today.Though still you would understand that how much important verification procedures are.

Anuj: For the security of the account.

Robin_: I’ve got to run: the gun store closes in an hour and after my experience with Comcast today, I have finally decided to stick a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger.

Robin_: If you think it makes sense to not allow someone to simply schedule an appointment, especially when you could call their house to confirm the appointment was being scheduled by someone who lives there, you are crazier than my friend Jack Kearney, and he’s a god damned loon.

Anuj: Robin,I can surely talk to the primary though you have stated he is out playing golf and couldn’t be contacted.

Anuj: If i can contact him then surely I can get this resolved for you.

Robin_: Like Bill De Blasio, you and your company have blood on your hands, and it is mine. Farewell, cruel world!

Robin_: It is against golf club rules to use the phone at the club. What are the rules at your club? What’s your handicap?

Robin_: Have you ever considered working for a less-despised company than Comcast? Like Halliburton, maybe?

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Anuj: Robin.I totally understand your frustration at this point.Wish I did had another alternate option to process your request.

Robin_: I’m just trying to help you in your career path. By the way, should I point up towards the roof of my mouth or straight back towards the throat? I’ve never done this before – obviously! LOL

Robin_: Do you know what the symptoms of a yeast infection are? I’m a little itchy today.

Anuj: Robin,I can understand .

Robin_: Is this goodbye? Will you tell my son I loved him more than anything (except cable TV, of course)

Anuj: Robin,I wish I could complete your request.

Robin_: BAM!

Anuj: Robin,are we still connected?

Robin_: Oh my God! My wife! She’s dead!!!! Why couldn’t you just help her!!!
Robin_: I can’t call 911 – my phone is not working!!!! My comcast phone account is down!!!

Anuj: Robin,Unfortuntely I am unable to help in getting the technician scheduled for you as you are not an authorized user on the account.

Robin_: Robin’s dead! She shot herself! Tom Sand here. After I get her body moved, can you help me? I need to schedule an appointment.

Anuj: Robin,I would request you to please ask the Primary to chat or call us at 1-800-Xfinity.

Robin_: So now not only did you drive my wife to suicide, but you are calling me a liar? I have a tremendous reputation in the legal community. Perhaps I know your immigration counsel?

Anuj: Robin,I am requesting you to please ask the primary to chat back or contact the 1-800-xfinity.

Robin_: Who is going to hang up first? Remember back in grade school chatting on the phone with your friends and not wanting to hang up first? That’s how I feel now. Do you feel the same?

Anuj: Robin,I do understand that because of today’s experience you are unhappy.

Robin_: But who will hang up first?

Anuj: Robin,If your permission is there then we can end the chat.

Robin_: Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

Anuj: Good Day Ahead Robin.

Anuj: Have a good evening ahead.

Anuj: Robin,are we connected>

Robin_: I told you, Robin’s dead. Man, you people!

Anuj: Robin,Plesae advise as we are unable to process the request as you are not on the account as an authorized user.

Robin_: Wait, can you help me with one more thing?

Anuj: Yes Robin.

Robin_: My father says the best pie crusts have lard in them, but lard creeps me out. Do you think I can achieve a perfect pie crust using only butter, or do I need to throw some Crisco in there? Also, I’m not sure how to talk to my teenage son anymore. He’s kind of moody. Should I be concerned?

Anuj: Robin,I apologies I do not have answer for that.

Robin: Darn. Thanks anyway.

Anuj: You are most welcome.

Anuj: Enjoy your evening Robin.Bye…

Robin_: Bye bye!

Tom_: My Issue: I need to schedule an appt

user Tom has entered room

analyst Deepak has entered room

Deepak: Hello Tom_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Deepak. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Deepak: Hello! It’s a privilege to have you here on chat and I am looking forward to provide you excellent service!

Deepak: To ensure we are on the same page, I understand that you want to schedule an technician’s visit. Is that correct?

Tom_: yes. My wife recently committed suicide and my internet has been spotty. I think the two issues may be related.

Deepak: Sad to here that, Tom, In order to resolve this issue I need to transfer this chat to concerned department.

Tom_: You mean a department concerned about my grief? I didn’t know you had one of those. Boy, I can’t understand why Comcast has a bad reputation for customer service when you have a whole department dedicated to helping people process their loss when a loved one eats a gun. That’s amazing!

Tom_: Don’t be sad, though, she lived a full life and was amazing in the old sackarooni, if ya catch my drift! Wink wink

Tom_: Deepak, are you still there? Are you related to Deepak Chopra, perchance?

Deepak: Tom, I am from the user ID and password reset team, therefore I can help you reset the password and manage your online account. However, in order to resolve your issue, I would need to transfer this chat to the concerned department with your permission,

Tom_: Why did I end up with you when I specifically requested a chat about making an appointment? And no relation, I presume?

Deepak: I apologize and understand the situation. to get it resolved as soon as I need to transfer this chat to correct person.

Tom_: How long will this take? I have a big mess to clean up here…

Tom_: …long story…

Deepak: Not more that 2-3 minutes and your appointment will be schedule.

Deepak: May I transfer this chat?

Tom_: Do you happen to know how to get a blood stain out of wool carpet?

Tom_: Hello?

Tom_: So no advice on the stain? There’s some gray matter in there too. Yuck!

Deepak: Tom, you should visit to a Luandary to get it cleaned properly

Deepak: may I transfer the chat so you can get an appopintment.

Tom_: Yes, please

Deepak: Thank you.

Deepak: Please stay connected while I transfer the chat to the correct department for further support.

Tom_: You have been exceedingly helpful

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Deepak: Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

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Waiting for response from Deepak

Tom_: My Issue: I need to schedule an appt

Priyanka: You have reached Sales Department and I will be assisting you with your concern for today. Please give me 2-3 minutes to review your conversation with the previous representative. This will give me a better understanding of the issue at hand so that we can resolve it in the most efficient way possible. Will that be okay?

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Tom_: I need an appt.

Priyanka: Thank you and I will ensure that you will get resolution by the end of the chat.

Tom_: If you are able to achieve that, I will eat my hat. It’s a big hat and this is no idle threat.

Priyanka: Based on your conversation with the previous representative I understood that you want to reschdule the appointmnet is that correct?

Tom_: No. I do not have an appointment to reschedule. I would like to schedule an appointment. I know reading is hard but please do at least give it a small effort, Priyanka.

Priyanka: I apologize for mis understanding the concern.

Priyanka: Thank you for providing that information.

Priyanka: Tom,I understand that you want to schedule an technician’s visit. Is that correct?

Tom_: Also, I don’t suppose you have any tips for getting blood and brain matter out of wool carpet? My wife’s chosen method of Earth Exit has left a hell of a mess over here. If not, no worries.

Tom_: YES I WANT TO SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT, FFS!

Priyanka: Thank you for providing that information.

Tom_: Shall I provide it again, just for fun? I’ve only mentioned it about ten times. If we could wrap this up soon, that would be great. I’m supposed to sign up for match.com today. I’ve mourned long enough.

Tom_: hello?

Priyanka: Tom May I please know for which services you want the technician?

Tom_: Internet

Tom_: Ever since installing the new modem, against the advice of my old friend Kurt, my internet service has been interrupted and unreliable. Do you know Kurt? Kurt Lammers, of Portland, OR? He’s super smart about these things. I guess I should have listened.

Priyanka: Tom please allow me few minutes to schedule an appointment for you

Tom_: Unlike my dead wife, I have lots of time. Do you have any suggestions for the blood stain on the carpet question?

Tom_: My friend Jimmy Savage (he used to have a mohawk back in high school) says I should switch to Direct TV. What do you think? Do you have Direct TV or Comcast? Do you have a television at all? What are the colors like in your world, Priyanka?

Priyanka: Tom I understand your concern but I apologize we are not authorized to share the Personal details

Tom_: I understand. I guess that means asking you out on a date is out of the question? As I mentioned to someone else at your company recently, I am quite newly-single and ready to mingle!

My friend Mitch Cogen is a labor and employment lawyer. I’ve heard Comcast has lots of issues in that department. Do you know Mitch? He’s super handsome, not that I’m gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay! I don’t make judgments on other people unless they give me bad customer service.

Priyanka: Tom there will be one time installation charges for $35

Tom_: INSTALLATION OF WHAT? The technician installing his body into my home?

Tom_: Just set up the appointment already. We’re not getting any younger, Priyanka.

Tom_: Hello?

Priyanka: Tom the soonest installation date which we are getting is for 5 jan 2015 between 12 Pm to 4 pm

Tom_: Fine

Tom_: the 4 hour window is especially convenient for me, Priyanka. I have a funeral to plan and dates to go on.

Tom_: the 4 hour window is especially convenient for me, Priyanka. I have a funeral to plan and dates to go on.

Priyanka: Tom May I get your best contact number on which tech can contact you before coming at your place?

Tom_: 503-(redacted)

Priyanka: Thank you.

Tom_: Have you ever considered moving to America, or do you have a sister here? Can women drive and vote where you live?

Priyanka: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Priyanka: I have completed your request your (redacted) is your order number

Tom_: What about the carpet question?

Priyanka: Tom I apologize but as we are here to resolve your issue related to Comcast service.

Tom_: Darn.

Priyanka: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

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Priyanka: Are we connected?

Tom_: I think we are very connected, don’t you?

Priyanka has left the conversation.

This Post Has 4 Comments

  1. Swifty

    Says more about you than it does them.

  2. askdescamp

    Yes, Swifty. But not for the reasons you think it does.

  3. echinachea

    Looks like “Anonymous” is back under the name of “Swifty?”

  4. Addie

    Great blog and SO true! Reminds me of the day I spent an entire day on the phone with Verizon → No lie – I was on the phone when my husband left for work at 7:30am & still on it when he returned at 5:30pm!! Over the course of 2wks, on 3 separate occasions techs were scheduled to visit my home & fix the problem but they never showed up! I hate change so much, I was still willing to work with them & spent 10hrs on the phone with countless reps who said they could correct the problem (from my end). And though I was told it’s against company policy for them to tell customers where they’re based – after spending so much time on the phone, several of them became quite friendly & told me not only where they’re located (India / Pakistan / England?!), but relayed personal stories about themselves & their families!

    After a month with still no Internet service & all my accounts screwed up (after being unable to access them online), I finally caved in & changed carriers. Now that’s patience! Dumb yes, but patience, none-the-less. (Actually, “stubbornness” or “stupidity” would have been a better choice). ☺

    ETA: Verizon then had the nerve to bill me $400+ (monthly bill including late fees + $295 for “early termination”) which I refused to pay. They then threw my ass into collections which screwed up my (once) perfect credit score & it took me nearly 2yrs to have it removed! The word “Verizon” is NOT spoken in this house. It’s considered a blasphemy. Now going to douse myself with holy water☺

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